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I’m not one to be a stickler for quality control in any of VH1′s fucktarded celebreality programs–if I was, I couldn’t possibly enjoy the bounties of mindless hits like Rock of Love and the now-defunct Charm School.
But I do wonder what genius came up with this season’s new ideazzZZzz to book I Love New York‘s namesake star for an energy drink commercial in Japan (how wacky!), painted up like a Geisha bobblehead drag queen, and asked to break a board with her hand by a fisting/shouting/wacky Jap director? (Skip to 00:50 of the video to watch.)
And I do ask myself why, to do research on Japanese culture, New York went to a dry cleaners and nail salon on Hollywood Boulevard (much to the geisha-bobblehead-drag queen-fearing dismay of the respective Korean and Vietnamese store owners), when Sushi Row was just meters away?
Sure, New York is that stupid, but do her producers have to be?
Oh, so many questions, questions, questionzzzZZZZzzz.
PerezHilton.com just reported that Heidi Montag, who will turn 22 this year, joined her douchebag boyfriend Spencer Pratt at the DMV… and finally registered to vote! Wow! We’re so impressed we could justzzZZZzZzZzzzz…
zzzZzzZZzzurpOH! Um. Good… job? Sure, you should have done this four years ago, but who’s counting?
The internet is abuzz, sorta, about new celebrity couple Keanu Reeves and China Chow!
Just Jared, described in the Vanity Fair Blogopticon as a “kinder, gentler celebrity-gossip blog, chockablock with exclamation points!”, seems to have the most pictures of the ghostly, sorta-famous pair, who were described as:
“…play fighting in the water and doing some sort of dance/karate stances along the shore.”
Witness said “karate stance”!
That’s weird, since Jared’s Asian!
That’s not even China Chow doing “karate” on the beach! Let’s compare photos! China is on the left, in a blue bikini, and the much-tanner Karate Lady is on the right, in a black bikini:
I know! I can’t believe I’m doing a bikinalysis either! But wait! It gets worse! There’s also a buttnalysis! The pale midget on the left is China (taken on a different day), the darker Amazon on the right is Karate Lady:
Source: Just Jared
KARATE LADY: Like this?
KEANU: Shake it like a polaroid picture!!
KARATE LADY: Where did you say you learned this again?
KEANU: Ibiza. No, on the set of Matrix: Reloaded.
KARATE LADY: I liked that film.
KEANU: Nobody liked that film, China.
KARATE LADY: I think your accountant did.
KEANU: You’re goddamned right he did.
KARATE LADY: I can’t believe I’m dating Keanu Reeves.
KEANU: Yeah you are! Did Marky Mark ever have pecs like these?
KARATE LADY: Well, I mean, he had pecs. What happened to you?
KEANU: What do you mean?
KARATE LADY: I mean…
KEANU: I’ll tell you what I mean: you’re so beautiful, of course I’ll go out with you. Look at you. You look like a little china doll, China.
KARATE LADY: Actually, powder pecs, if we’re assessing porcelain skin and bones, you’re the china doll here. I look tall and tan and young and lovely.
KEANU: (confused) That’s cool.
KARATE LADY: (confused) Okay.
KEANU: So when do we get to go eat together at Mr. Chow? I love his noodles.
KARATE LADY: Uh yeah, me too.
KEANU: Do you think I should call him “Dad?” or “Mr. Chow?” or “Mr. Dad?”
KARATE LADY: Um, I think I’d prefer a salad at La Scala.
KARATE LADY: Yes, always.
KEANU: Hunh. Okay. Wanna learn a different dance?
KARATE LADY: Sure… (sighs) Are you going to be filming a new Matrix sequel anytime soon?
KEANU: I dunno… Why is everybody always asking me that?
As I’ve said before, I have a soft spot for Yoko Ono. I really can’t explain why. Part of it is reflexive–because she’s historically painted as a woman getting in the way of men’s genius, I kinda can’t help but root for her. Also, does anyone really still care if she broke up the Beatles? A) It was probably was a little more complicated than that. B) So fuckin’ what? It happened forty years ago. C) Has anyone listened to the entire Beatles catalog lately? It’s pretty complete. What? You wanted a disco record, too?
Sure, girlfriend is fiercely protective of John’s estate, but she was married to A. BEATLE. That’s how Beatles do. Should Yoko be handing out that shit for free? How is it shocking that she might be motivated by profit? What rock stars aren’t (if you’re thinking Radiohead, think again)? The difference is, she married one, he’s dead, and people are pissed because they don’t like the idea of a woman holding the strings to a very large money-purse. Then it’s either, how dare she license his image/work for this? Or how dare she withhold his image/work for that? Either way, she’s made into this venal, money- and pleasure-hording harpy. Yawn, I’m bored.
The latest news on Yoko only stirred up more of the same. “Imagine” was used recently in Expelled, a documentary disputing evolution. So everyone jumped at the chance to vilify Yoko once again as a money-grubbing sellout to creationist idiots until they realized that, oops, she didn’t actually license the song.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for cracking on Yoko. She, like Bai and Kimora, is endless fodder. Her bizarre millinery choices alone are enough to keep DISGRASIAN going. And just because I feel for her, doesn’t mean I’m not creeped out by, say, her making John into an action figure. But we gotta find something new to say about her. That other shit is so played.
Bai Ling is still a working actress.
Then the not-so-shocking news:
Bai Ling was recently cast in the Crank sequel (starring Jason Statham) as…drumroll…a working girl. Her character teams up with Statham in order to “hunt down the Chinese mobster who has stolen his heart, literally.”
And now’s the time when I put myself down for a mid-afternoon nap.
NICK: Ah, just another dinner at DISGRASIAN’s favorite restaurant, Katsu-Ya. Dude, I’m so full of crab rolls. I need a little fresh air.
VANESSA: Nick, roll that window up. Can’t you see I’ve got something in my eye? I think it’s an eyelash.
NICK: Is it an eyelash in your eye or are you still pissed that I patted the waitress on the behind when she took the specials menu away?
VANESSA: She was pissed, not me. Remember how she called you a filthy, fat, D-lister? You better wait awhile before you go back there.
NICK: Good point.
VANESSA: That window is still down! Everyone is taking pictures! I look all irritated! Now everyone’s going to think we’ve broken up!
NICK: Are we breaking up?
VANESSA: No, stupid! We’re a celebrity couple! We brag all the time about how happy and well adjusted we are.
NICK: Right. We are really well adjusted. So we’re not breaking up, but somebody’s going to think we’ve broken up.
VANESSA: Yes, dummy. Although I’m starting to get just irritated enough to want to break up with you.
NICK: You do? You can’t do that!
VANESSA: Well I would, if it would raise either one of our StarMeters, just a little bit.
NICK: Do you think it would?
VANESSA: (sighs) No.
NICK: God, I’m so bored.
VANESSA: God, I’m so bored.
NICK: I sure hope somebody cares if we’re breaking up.
I don’t wear perfume. I find it too sweet and cloying, like Brooke White on American Idol. For that reason and, um, a few others, you won’t find me dabbing Kimora Lee Simmons’ latest
self-promoting pile of ‘ca ware, Fabulosity the fragranzzz, behind my ears any time soon.
What did grab my attention regarding Kimora’s new perfume was its description on several sites as a “fruity oriental.” I was, like, come again? Who ya callin’ Fruity Oriental?
But then the Great Google Oracle told me that Fruity Oriental is actually a common classification in the olfactive arts.
Shows you what I know about fragrance.
The Sun reports that Britney Spears’s new video, for
a track nobody cares about her song, “Break the Ice,” will debut next month. Here’s the exciting part: the former pop princess will be depicted in zzZzZzANIMEzzZzZz (see above).
Don’t be fooled, everybody. The cartoon fantasy character may have real/long/luscious locks, a tiny waist, and perfectly perky breasts… but we’re pretty sure it’s still certifiably nutbars.
Do any of you remember Jamie Chung from The Real World: San Diego a few years back?
That ok, we barely remember her either. If you do, perhaps what you best recall is that on the most boring season of The Real World ever, there was once the most boring reality cast member ever, and that, my friends was zzZzzJamiezzZzZzz. You’ll be glad to know that Jamie hasn’t given up her average pursuit for fame since her lackluster television “debut,” and is still mowing her way through the challenging world of swimsuit modeling (Jen said today, “well, I guess that makes sense”) and acting. Rest assured that her sound bytes haven’t gotten any more interesting: “I think I’m single because I’m really busy.” “I go on a lot of auditions.” “I travel a lot.” “I’m an Aries.” …but her Photoshop-enhanced, bulbous rack sure has. Never one to leave a snoozer in the fray, wonderbread network ABC Family, led by Paul “Not Like Bruce” Lee, has jumped to the rescue. He recently announced the net’s new series, Samurai Girl, which will star Chung in a fascinating femme fatale role:
“Samurai Girl,” based on the popular young adult novels, centers on 19-year-old Heaven (Jamie Chung), a Japanese girl who learns that her adoptive father is the head of the Yakuza and possibly had her brother murdered. She leaves her family to train in the ways of the samurai and to plot against her father’s evil empire with the help of her new American friends.
That ok, we barely remember her either. If you do, perhaps what you best recall is that on the most boring season of The Real World ever, there was once the most boring reality cast member ever, and that, my friends was zzZzzJamiezzZzZzz.
You’ll be glad to know that Jamie hasn’t given up her average pursuit for fame since her lackluster television “debut,” and is still mowing her way through the challenging world of swimsuit modeling (Jen said today, “well, I guess that makes sense”) and acting.
Rest assured that her sound bytes haven’t gotten any more interesting:
“I think I’m single because I’m really busy.”
“I go on a lot of auditions.”
“I travel a lot.”
“I’m an Aries.”
…but her Photoshop-enhanced, bulbous rack sure has.
Never one to leave a snoozer in the fray, wonderbread network ABC Family, led by Paul “Not Like Bruce” Lee, has jumped to the rescue. He recently announced the net’s new series, Samurai Girl, which will star Chung in a fascinating femme fatale role:
So funny, How often do you find yourself singing while walking around the house: “Oh, I get by with a little help from my American friends?”
Man alive! We do believe that retarded tingles we get while reading the Samurai Girl short treatment are the only things keeping us awake. If Jen and I can keep our eyes open until the show premieres, we’ll be maybe sure to possibly watch an episode or two.
Filed under: ABC Family, Bikinis, Boobs, Boring People, I Get High With A Little Help From My American Friends, Jamie Chung, Paul Lee, Uh... "Samurai Girl?", We Don't Care About Her Either, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz