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We Get It Already, Blasians Can’t Drive Escalades
As Gawker aptly pointed out yesterday, nearly every hack comedian in America managed a take on this setup: “Blasian Tiger Woods crashes his Escalade.”
There are many versions, but the joke goes something like this:
Tiger Woods crashed his Escalade yesterday!
Well you know, he’s Black and Asian [pause for yuks].
And of course… the Black part of him bought the Cadillac [insert ghetto grin] and the Asian part of him was driving [insert buck teef]!
Click here for the sampler flight of punchlines.
Surprisingly, though, not one comedian seemed to find a way to make the “joke” funny. ZzZZZzzZzzZZZzZzzzzzZzzzz.
[via Gawker]
Thanks, Jasmine and Colin!
Filed under: Asian Drivers, Bad Driving, Bad Jokes, Blasians, Buck Teef, Cadillac, Escalade, George Lopez Is Criminally Unfunny, Jo Koy, Lame, Stereotypes, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Crash, Tiger Woods Runs Car Into Fire Hydrant, Wanda Sykes, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz
Sarah Palin Gets Shorty
Sarah Palin is hopping mad about the image of her that Newsweek used for their recent cover, stating that the photo (originally taken for a profile in Runner’s World) taken out of context is “sexist.”
Texting and running--someone should ticket for that
Sexist? Or just stupid? In my humble opinion: after the age of 22, taking any public photo in shorts is downright irresponsible. I don’t care who the hell you are, what job you’ve got, how great your gams are, how fast you are on a Blackberry, or how many times you wink at me. Not a good idea.
[HuffPo: Sarah Palin: Newsweek Cover Showing My Legs "Sexist" (PHOTOS)]
Filed under: Blackberry, Fitness, Fitness Gear, Irresponsibility, MILFs, Newsweek, Runners World, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin Newsweek Cover, Sarah Palin Short Shorts, Sexist Spin is so '08, Short Shorts, Things Women Over 22 Should Not Do, Unholy Magazine Covers, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz
Hideki Matsui Is The First Japanese-Born World Series MVP
Congratulasians to Hideki Matsui, who was named World Series MVP after the Yankees finished off the Phillies, 7-3, in six Wednesday. Matsui, whose nickname is “Godzilla” in Japan, had a monster night in the Series clincher–he homered, doubled, and singled while tying the record for most RBI (6) in a World Series game. The 35 year-old hit .615 in the Series overall.
Matsui is the first Japanese-born baseball player to receive the Most Valuable Player honor and described Wednesday night as “the best moment of my life right now.” It also may have been his last moment as a Yankee, since he’s reached the end of a four year-contract with the team.
So what’s next for the Japanese outfielder/DH?
Continue reading Hideki Matsui Is The First Japanese-Born World Series MVP
Filed under: A-ROD SUCKS, Alex Rodriguez Centaur Painting, Bandwagons, Depressing News, Hideki Matsui, Hideki Matsui World Series MVP, Japanese Baseball Players, MLB, New York Yankees, Winners, Yankees Win 27th Title, Yankees Win World Series, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz
As If You Cared: The Gosselins File for Divorce
BREAKING NEWS: Jon and Kate “Save for Those TLC Devotees, Most of Y’all Had No Idea Who We Were Before TMZ Started Posting Drunken Photos of Dad” Gosselin have filed for divorce.
Maybe they crossed their fingers when they renewed the wedding vows?
Huge shock.
Source
Thanks, Jasmine!
Filed under: Breaking News, Divorce, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, Maybe Now We Can Stop Hearing About these Awful Parents, Poor Things--the 8 Kids, Reality TV, Ways to Ruin A Family, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz
Gwyneth’s Inner Aspect Is Probably Goopy
Have y’all checked out Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle blogzzZZzzzZzz, GOOP? Y’know, a Paltrow P.O.V. guide to dressing appropriately, eating well, rocking hip tunes, throwing wonderful dinner parties, and having dear friends with cool jobs (like chefs and directors).
It’s awful. So awful. And hey, this is coming from a die-hard subscriber to Martha Stewart Living (seriously… it’s so good), yoga addict, shoe fiend–a person, one could argue, that should be having joyous convulsions over such a site right this very minute.
But GOOP is gross–as smug as the actress herself, and perhaps even less interesting. Whether she’s touting a pedestrian list of party songs or listing kid-friendly restaurants like, uh, Chicago’s NoMI (where I almost had a very ugly incident with glass sculpture once), it’s really a blasé bunch of scribblings that not-so-subtly nods to the wonderful life that Paltrow leads–the fabulous friends, so-very-down-to-earth perspective, glamorous day job, eloquent vocabulary…zzZZZzZzzzzZz. It’s inaccessible, really, and not particularly insightful.
Still, she underscores the site’s presence with the logline: “nourish the inner aspect,” a Hindu phrase that recently came under public criticism via religious scholar Rajan Zed.
From Contact Music:
U.S. Hindu leader Rajan Zed suggests the movie star should take the trouble to learn more about the ancient religion before using taglines like “nourish the inner aspect” on her website. Zed fears Paltrow is leading impressionable minds astray by suggesting her weekly musings are deep and philosophical – and then just writing about material, “external” matters.He says, “There are not many deep, spiritual and philosophical thoughts in the blog, which are an essential part of nourishing the inner self.
“The actress needs to grow-up and stop writing about mundane topics like ‘Boots by Gucci’, ‘Banana Pancakes’, ‘The Hungry Cat’ and ‘Tweezerman’ – in which she talks about taming the unruly eyebrows of men.”
Hunh. We couldn’t have said it better ourselves! Oh wait, yes we could:
The actress needs to just stop writing.
[GOOP.com]
[Contact Music: Paltrow's Blog Under Fire From Hindus]
Source
Thanks, Jasmine!
Filed under: Annoying Things Celebrities Do, GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow, Hateful People, Hinduism, Lifestyle Blogs, Martha Stewart, Nourish the Inner Aspect, Rajan Zed, Religious Scholars, Tweezerman, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz
Gwyn or Lose
MY GOODNESS! “FUCK THE HATERS?” Is Gwyneth Paltrow taking cues from DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamers Kobe and Tila, or just trying desperately to strategically sully her organic-cotton-Coldplay-and-Apple-babies-yoga-granola image?
As she “spilled” to OK! Magazine: “I’m probably less square than people think,” she insists. “I never get drunk to the point of throwing up. But I get very talkative.”
Oh, she gets talkativezzZZZzZzZZZZzzz when zzZshezzZZzz ZzzzZdrinkszzzzZzZzz! I’m sure that would cool our hating jets if we caredzzZZZzzzZzZZz.
Filed under: Boring People, Crunchy Chicks, Drunks, Gwyneth Paltrow, Haters, Kobe Bryant, Public Image Makeovers, Tila Tequila, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz
Oh Mickey, You’re So Fine
Page Six, ever the bearer of truthful word, reported today that wow-and-I-do-mean-wow-face Mickey Rourke was accosted by Bai Ling at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont just the other night. In Richard Johnson’s own icky words, the odd duo “made out and partied pretty hard.”
I’ll be honest. My gut reaction was to write: Dude, I thought Rourke was freaking uh-mazing in his unrelenting lead role in ‘The Wrestler‘. That, however, did not cause me to hearken back to his younger, more beautiful days, and rekindle a desire to suck his mangled face. Dude, Bai. Do your Adductor thigh muscles only respond to IMDB stats? What is the deal?
Then, of course, I had to go and do what I loathe most: a little research. This naturally led me down a slippery slope to one of Bai Ling’s online biographies–which includes the following blurb about her personal life:
She is friends with Kimberly Stewart. She dated a play actor in the mid-1980s in China, and music composer Qu Xiao-Song in the mid 1990s, and Chris Isaak 1999-2001. She was briefly said to be romantically linked to Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. Rumors spread that Bai was engaged to him, but Carter denied the rumors, saying they were “just friends”. More recently, Ling has been linked to Dionne Warwick’s son, Damon Elliott, though the two are not currently dating.
ZzzZzZzzzzSo… okay. How can anyone with even a pittance of warmth in their heart (that’s about all I’ve got) look at that sad little collection of facts and not feel kinda bad for the poor woman? Ling’s personal life, despite her fondness for dancing and easily accessible breasts, actually seems duller than Sienna Miller’s mangy hair. I wouldn’t wish that kind of dry love life on anyone, not even this crazy bitch.
So instead, I’m really very psyched for Ling, and happy about the fact that she got some aggressive tongue action the other night, even if it makes me go “Eww.” Here’s hoping she got felt up and maybe even fingerbanged! Anything to spice up that sad little paragraph.
And–guys, take a look at Rourke’s fuckin’ FACE!–I do mean anything.
Source Source Source Source Source Source Source
Filed under: Aging Badly, Bai Ling, Boring Love, Crazyfaces, Eww, Hooking Up, Mickey Rourke, Nipples, Page Six, Sienna Miller is Gross, The Wrestler, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz
She’s Getting Bai
Not sure what perplexes me more:
Red-y to WearA) Bai Ling was invited to a legitimate Golden Globes after-party.
B) Bai Ling was not nude at said legitimate Golden Globes after-party.
C) Bai Ling’s peace sign actually looks spirited and, well, peaceful.
D) I truly have nothing mean to say about Bai Ling after looking at the above photograph. Nothing mean at all. NOTHING MEAN WHATSOEVER.
This series of conundrums obviously leads me to believe that the world is coming to an end. Take cover, guys!
Filed under: Awards Shows, Bai Ling, Confusion, Please Stop Flashing Peace Signs Peeps, Red Carpet Whores, Taking a Hating Break, The Apocalypse, The Golden Globes, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz
Gossip Girl Goes Over to the Dark Side (Again)
Gossip Girl and ethnics don’t mix. It’s been well-documented by DISGRASIAN since the first episode, when the Black Chick and the Asian Chick (aka The Haragossip Girls) were mutely paraded around in matching outfits, that non-white characters tend to be used on the show like accessories. After the writers’ strike, when the actress who played the Asian Chick decided to go back to Brown to study neuroscience instead of returning to the hit show where she had more headbands than lines (I know..how Asian), the Mutasian was replaced by another Asian Chick, whose character turned out to be a royally drippy–and tragically uninteresting–Nerd.
It’s only when the show stopped all of its tokenizing whatthefuckery that it actually got good. Season 2 opened with a “White Party” in the Hamptons (Diddy was nowhere to be seen), a fitting metaphor for what Gossip Girl is really about: pretty, rich white people trapped in a particular ring of hell where life is one neverending party that you can never leave. The Black Chick and the New Asian Chick have cropped up here and there, and they do speak now and again, but you’d be hard-pressed to name them, because they’re on the show so infrequently. The only ethnics left who still have significant roles are Dorota, the Waldorfs’ Polish maid (ethnic in the old school sense and a more politically-correct, non-WASP buffoon), and Vanessa, who I still contend is coded brown, mostly because of the gigantic earrings she always wears, but their place in the GG hierarchy has more to do with money and education (and their lack thereof) than with ethnicity, perceived or otherwise.
Which is fine by me, because ethnicity is clearly beyond the show’s reach. People of color on the show have been portrayed about as accurately as Yale was in Episode 6 of this year, when the Dean was depicted as a George Plimpton-esque bon vivant who had nothing better to do than play parlor games with prospectives and the co-ed, secret senior society Skull and Bones was THE Skull and Bones, all-male, and had a boner for Chuck Bass, who is still in high school.
Speaking of Gossip Girl’s resident bad boy, Chuck seems to be the only character still dabbling with the dark side (i.e. the non-white). Whether it’s his rendezvous with that Japanese flight attendant earlier in the season, or his coy reference to his “daily shiatsu” a few episodes back, or the intriguing preview we got at the end of Monday night’s episode (see below), Chuck’s escape from the restricting corset of Upper East gentility usually involves a skeevy dive into the Otherworld:
Is that an Oriental massage parlor I see? An opium den? An Oriental massage parlor/opium den? What’s with that Asian drumming music? Don’t get me wrong, I’m down with Chuck’s downward spiral into abject hedonism–the most interesting if overacted plot development of the show thus far–but please, for the love of sweet white Jesus, leave us out of this.
Filed under: Appropriasian, CW, Going Over to the Dark Side, Gossip Girl, Mutasians, Nerds, Opium Dens, People as Accessories, The Haragossip Girls, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz
Hush Your Mouth
Dear Jennifer Aniston,
If I read another boo-hoo out of you (“Vogue, I can’t buh-lieve what uncool Angelina said in another magazine!” “EW, I can’t buh-lieve Vogue printed what I said about Angelina! It’s not like everybody’s slobbering in wait for me to breathe the word Ang–” “I’m the victim here!”) I promise that I will send each one of my overbearing, stubborn, outspoken aunts out to your house to hunt you down and give you a good old-fashioned Hardass Asian talking to.
Y’know. Like the kind you get when you’re getting divorced and they explain to you that you’ve suddenly made it everyone’s dishonor problem.
Y’know. Like when they tell you that your career goals of becoming an engineer are stupid and worthless, and that if you loved anybody but yourself, you would just go to medical school like your mother wanted you to.
Y’know. Like when they say that you should exercise more. Because you look fat.
They’re mean as hell. But they’re honest.
Trust me, at the end, you won’t feel pretty, you won’t feel cool, you won’t feel good about the fact that you’re still dating that cooz John Mayer–but you will understand (hopefully) that there’s no pride in airing your relationship dirty laundry through PR channels over the course of five years. That in order to maintain your dignity you’ve can’t cry out loud–just keep it inside, and hold your head up high, and make a goddamn good movie for Chrissake.
Please. Have a little pride.
xoxo
D
Filed under: Angelina Jolie, Exes Suck, Hardass Asian Aunts, Jennifer Aniston, People I Can't Read About Anymore, PR Moves, Pride, Talking-Tos, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz
Post-Trypt
It’s taken awhile for us to get moving again after four days of turkey-stuffing-mashed potatoes-stuffing-nap-US Weekly Magazine-stuffing-red wine-turkey-pizza-Rock Band-stuffing-gravy-dog park-cookies-pie-ice cream-Contemporary Adult Fiction-mashed potatoes-white wine-aunts’n'uncles-brunch-scotch-Star Magazine-Facebook-gravy-tequila-cashmere throw blankets-stuffing-PayPerView movies-gratitude-turkey.
Fortunately, our pen pal Margie kicked off the morning with a photo of exactly how Jen and I are looking at DISGRASIAN HQ today:
I mean, we could look worse.
Source Source Source
Thanks, Margie!
Filed under: Adorable-ness, Animals are a Reliable Source of Joy and Awe, Awwwwwww, Contemporary Adult Fiction, Holidays, Pandas, Recovering, Sleepy People, Slow TImes, Tryptophan, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz
RNC Updasian: The Convention Floor In A Nutshell
A blast. Simply a blast.
Filed under: Cindy McCain and Laura Bush are RILFs: Robots I'd Like To Flick, Good Times, Half-Empty Convention Halls, Republican National Convention, RNC, ZZzzzZzZzZZzzzz
