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Does the world need another high school musical? No. Yes? I dunno–it depends on how you feel about that sort of thing. But after Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens broke up last month–or did they?–because “they just grew up,” and with Zac graduating to new man roles like his part in The Lucky One, for which he put on lots and lots of man-muscle in order to play a war veteran with a manly albeit curious Southern accent–Get it people? Zac Efron is a man, now, okay?–something must be done to fill this terrible, awful void. Plus, high school musicals move nail polish units, apparently.
Enter Lemonade Mouth, brought to you by Disney Channel Original Movies–producers of HSM–the plot of which sounds something like The Breakfast Club meets School of Rock for the Belieber set. In other words, it will be awful! And, in other words, I will be watching it late at night on my DVR when I can’t sleep and am particularly vulnerable to bad TV starring teens with impossibly good skin who will make me feel only more wretched and old than I already do!
I will also be watching Lemonade Mouth for Hayley Kiyoko (pictured, center), who plays one of the lead misfits. Because the 19 year-old of Japanese descent is crazy talented. She plays the drums, keys, guitar, and writes her own music. I’m particularly partial to the song “Lungs” on her MySpace (listen here). She’s also in a girl group called The Stunners who opened for the Biebs last summer, not that you care (I mean, I don’t). And she’s so pretty in a tomboyish way-Hayley played Velma in both Cartoon Network Scooby Doo movies–she kind of demands your attention. Added bonus: she’s goofy as hell, as witnessed by this YouTube video she made last summer, when she and girl-groupmate Lauren Hudson, who’s also Asian, got stuck in the back of their tour van:
Filed under: Asian-American Singers, Beliebers, Cuties, Disney Channel, Disney Channel Original Movies, Glee, Hayley Kiyoko, High School Musical, High School Musicals, Japanese-Americans, Justin Bieber, Lauren Hudson, Lemonade Mouth, Mixed People, Scooby-Doo, Teen Talents, the Biebs, The Stunners, Tweens, Vanessa Hudgens, Vanessa Hudgens Naked Pictures, Zac Efron
But here’s what sucks. The person that suffered the brunt of the Q-tip attack was none other than Efron’s lady, Vanessa Hudgens…
Except: we ladies can help you fellas buy jeans that don’t look like they were obtained at a 1992 Gap. We can help you pick out shirts for work. We can give you cologne for Christmas, introduce you to Kiehl’s men’s products, request that you shower regularly, and quickly size you up before you walk out the door.
But we can’t be responsible for your waxy-ass ears. Boys, that was yo’ mama’s job. And if you’re old enough to screw/drink/smoke, now it’s yours.
ZAC: Yeah, baby.
VANESSA: [eyeing Zac sweetly] I love you…
ZAC: [eyes aglaze] Mmhmm.
VANESSA: Ahem. I love you…
ZAC: Yep. [frowning suddenly] Babe, these seats are courtside. Aren’t you watching the game?
VANESSA: Yes, but for some reason, I feel like I hate Kobe.
ZAC: Hunh. I don’t see why. Don’t you at least find him kinda hot? I think he–I mean, if I was a girl–I’d think he was pretty hot.
VANESSA: [slightly thrown] Well I, uh, I mean yeah, I guess I’m with you, there. He’s hot.
ZAC: Totally. I was actually thinking of buying that $100,000 vintage tennis racquet he signed.
VANESSA: Why on earth would you do that?
ZAC: Because you also get lunch with Kobe at Carl’s Jr.!
VANESSA: You never eat at Carl’s Jr.! You said it makes people fat!
ZAC: Well, I would go if Kobe were there.
VANESSA: [eyes narrowing] What about me?
ZAC: What about you? Are you bidding, too?
VANESSA: [smacks forehead with her hand]
ZAC: I look kinda like a dark knight tonight.
VANESSA: [peeved] You look like a poseur.
ZAC: I’m a rebel without a cause!
VANESSA: In what way are you a rebel? Tell me. Is it the paycheck you get from Disney or the facial you got on Monday?
ZAC: Well, my hair, for one.
VANESSA: You have fifteen gallons of Bumble & Bumble in your hair. You look like you’re in the sequel to Hairspray.
ZAC: I’m wearing all black! This is real leather!
VANESSA: [sneering] My ex-boyfriend was a real rebel. He wore pleather.
ZAC: You stop that right now.
VANESSA: What’s wrong… jealous?
ZAC: Pleather is just…tacky. They give my thighs a rash.
VANESSA: I don’t quite know what to say.
ZAC: What’d you say?
VANESSA: Nothing. Just watching the game. Go Knicks.
This is a cease-and-desist letter, ordering you to stop pursing your lips like that immediately. I can’t tell whether you just sucked on something sour [insert Zac Efron penis joke here] or if you’re really really really pleased with yourself. Or if you went to Jessica Simpson’s lip doctor. Any which way, it’s not a good look for you. It’s creepy. It’s aging. It’s contagious:
Oh Vanessa Hudgens, you pretty little tartlet, whatsamatter? Are you knock-knock-knockin’ on Heaven’s door with a virus, like me? Do you have a soft spot for those O.G. sweatpants with the elastic hems because you find that they truly can be cute and comfortable (except, I will argue, when they are seventeen sizes too big), like Jen? Did you have a Jamie-Lynn Spears scare this week? Did Zac Efron make out with your brother?
Tell me, girlfriend, cuz you’s lookin’ such a mess. I want to help you, mostly because I’m worried about all the shluz and bactaria your sweatpant folds are collecting from the ground (that’s the clean-freak dad in me talking), but also because I’d simply like to see you smiling again. Give me a call. I’ll have a pint of Ben & Jerry’s at your house in a hot minute.