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WHAT UP Y’ALL! I’M INVITING YOU TO THA SEXXXIEST WEEKLY PARTY OF THA YEEARRRRRR!!! HOT DJZ, HOT LADIEZ, HOT BEATZ, ICE-COLD MUTHAFUCKIN’ COCKTAILZ! IT’S HOT FOR TEACHER NIGHT AT THA FUEL SPORTS BAR–WASHINGTON STATE’Z MOST EXCLUSIVE NIGHT SPOT! LADIEZ WEAR YOUR CLASSROOM FINEST, AND GUYZ WHO R BAD WILL GET THEMSELVEZ SPANKKKED! DRESS TO IMPRESS… $10 JOINT COVER $5 FUEL… STARTS AT 9:30PM SO COME EARLY TO AVOID LINEZ!
Oh…right. One more thing: This week’s bonanza will be hosted by Mary Kay LeTourneau, the creepiest child rapist (with the wackass-est hair), like, EVER. And her former sixth-grader–oops, HUSBAND–will be spinning tracks as well.
Yeah. We vomited, too.
Filed under: Child Rape, Creepy Tingles, Eww, Fucking Students, Hot For Teacher, Is It Just Us or Does Mary Kay Look Pretty Good For 47?, Mary Kay LaTourneau, Statutory Rape, Vili Fualaau, WTF?, Yuckers
I shouldn’t be expected to understand the Miley Cyrus thing: I don’t think I pay for the Disney channel, I’m not eleven years old, and I certainly don’t find Billy Ray’s chin-pube influence to be at all acceptable. All signs point to “no” with the little butterface. Can she sing? Sorta. Can she dance? Kinda. Is she gentle on the eyes? Hardly. So there you go. I DON’T GET HER.
It’s not that I’m totally out of touch with tween culture or Disney’s brilliant machine, guys. The wild success of the Jonas Brothers totally makes sense to me. Sure, they make terrible music. Yes, their pants are too tight and I’m not at all comfortable with their penchant for ill-fitting vests and high boots. And okay, if they never perform at another football halftime show, it’ll be too soon. But these boys, with their pretty little koala faces, are so damn sugary and cute that they’re impossible for the little ladies to resist. That I can accept. A girl’s gotta have somebody to doodle about in her easy-lock diary, for crying out loud. Give ‘em three cute brothers.
But this Miley girl–whose given name isn’t even Miley (“Miley” was apparently short for, er, “Smiley”–a nickname adopted by her parents)–this girl is not cute. As far as I can tell on the Interwebz, she’s basically just average in every single possible way. Let’s be honest, homegirl has a face that only a chin-pubey, too-close dad can be expected to love (by the by, few others seems willing to say such things because she’s just a young thing, and it’s wrong to judge the little ones harshly… but I’m an asshole, and after I see enough Internet photos of a chick in her underwear I no longer regard her as “little,” and overall I just don’t care).
But while we’re on the subject of faces, y’know, it occurs to me that I’ve always meant to give the little lass some advice on the face she seems to make most repeatedly in photographs (usually self-snapped). It’s an awkward, puckery, duck face. An unflattering pout, if you will.
My advice would be: Always make a nice face in photos. If you were a person with a cute face, it would be all about angles. If your head was cute but a little round, you’d be wary not to let your full moon take over a picture. But if you’re like, really grim, as in your case, and have got a truly tragic mug, always, ALWAYS opt for pretty expressions. Don’t dick around with icky faces–you can’t pull it off. And when assessing your look, always trust a picture. Never trust your ego. Your ego will likely tell you: You’re famous! That means you’re gorgeous! But your ego will be wrong.
‘Cuz then you’ll have but a moment to get out of my face, before Jen and I decide that we’re ready to bust up your face. And it will be the most unfortunate situasian you’ve ever had to face.
And two bitches you don’t ever want to face, face-to-face… are us.
The wait service in Los Angeles is notoriously bad–this, however, takes “bad” to a whole new level.
A pair of shorts, darlin’? Is that too much to ASSk?
We were pretty excited when we heard that a Brit resident of Spain dropped trou (and everything else) to take a fun skinny dipping jaunt around the moat of Japan’s Imperial Palace yesterday. He scaled the wall, threw rocks at police, and splashed water before escaping the shield of the water for a 90-chase before being apprehended.
“Brit expat Spaniard running IN THE BUFF around the Imperial Palace?? HOT!!” we thought.
Until, of course…
Grammy nominated and platinum record selling rock band Weezer, famous for hits such as “Beverly Hills” and “My Name Is Jonas,” has released the Japanese version of their new album “The Red Album” today.
As a special surprise for the Japanese listeners, Weezer did a cover of one of BoA’s Japanese ballads entitled “Meri Kuri” as a bonus track. Lead singer Rivers Comuo of Weezer commented that he was “instantly taken” by the song, as well as the youthful Japanese girl that originally chirped it.*
“I really dig subsurvient Asian girls, so covering a love song by a cute one is kind of like virtual jerking off,” the often misunderstood songwriter said in a recent interview. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. And if anyone in my band thought there was anything weird about it, they would tell me. And then I would kick them out of the band.” *
*Many of Cuomo’s quotes in this story have been altered or fictionalized. Why would we do such a thing? Because we find his awkward Asian fetish to be super-duper freaky. Read the actual AllKPop.com post here.
Thank you, you-know-who!
It’s shameful enough to try and sell me a cell phone with the implicit promise of an upskirt moment–but honestly, if you’re going to do it, please do make sure that the miniskirt doesn’t have fuzzy lint all over it. I can’t bear to look at it and find that it is simply sloppy, tacky, and fuzzin’ embarrassing.
My friend Chris actually said something more along the lines of, “Did you read that piece in The Korea Times about how those shrimp crackers I love have been recalled? They found a fried rat head in one. I buy that shit in bulk at Costco. Guess I’ll have to stop.”
I don’t think he’s ever found getting head to be so unpleasant.
Toyo Shigeta, the head of the Japanese ad agency responsible for Maria Sharapova’s sizzling Canon Powershot ad in 2005, is now the target of a federal lawsuit–he apparently snapped upskirt photos of the tennis vixen to satisfy his icky fetish for crotch snapshots.
Jeez. You’d think with all the options…
…he wouldn’t have to waste any time taking any of those pervy-ass photos himself.
Instead, he chose to violate the princess of Tennis (which our friend at Racqonteur will not be happy about), and we hope he ends up with a racquet up his anus.
Wanna see the photo? Click here, pervs!
UPDATE: Click here to see why there will be no Sharapova crotch shots at the 2008 Wimbledon.
And if you look closely…
Let me tell you, bad things happen when people start getting all “Asian-inspired.”
Oh, and the best part?
The AP reports that the soda “doesn’t actually have any cucumber in it, but has been artificially flavored to resemble ‘the refreshing taste of a fresh cucumber,’” said Aya Takemoto, spokeswoman of Japan’s Pepsi distributor, Suntory Ltd..
In a blind taste-test, we have chosen Pepsi…for DISGRASIAN of the Weak.
For those Angelenos (like Jen and myself), whose dining options have oft been crippled by the embarassing, obnoxious calamity at restaurants shamefully deemed “Celebrity Hotspots,” I am denouncing one paparazzi-smeared institution in particular: MR. CHOW.
TMZ documented the entries and exits of a pocketful of DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Famers (that means you, Chris Tucker)–just this weekend alone–in a flashbulb-filled piece called Chow Hounds. The eatery, however, has already been sufficiently defamed by enough Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, and Britney Spears presence in recent years to officially classify it as a full-time fish market.
“Mr.” Michael Chow– is this really the dining legacy you intended? I just lost my appetite.
But somehow, on the Cannes red carpet, you make Chanel look as crazy and awkward as a giraffe dancing at a disco. Don’t you DARE call me random for making that remark. YOU’RE RANDOM! LOOK AT YOU!
I know what you’re thinking: Diana and Jen will never be happy. And perhaps you’re right.