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DISGRASIAN’s Summer Reading: Lisanti Quarterly

August 11th, 2010 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

We’ll be away from our desks the month of August, carrying on with the non-bloggy aspects of our lives, watching mindless movie blockbusters, and indulging in summery drinks made with generous pours of bourbon. During this month, we’ll be linking each day to a different website that we ♥. Hopefully you’ll discover something delightful and new while we’re gone. If not, you are a serious Captain Crankypants and are probably in dire need of a summery drink made with a generous pour of bourbon.

‘Til September, lovelies.


Mark Lisanti is the funniest man on the Internet.

Now before you say, “But what about Gwyneth? He’s a fuckin’ gas!” let me just tell you that I’ve been making this declaration repeatedly since 2004, when I discovered Lisanti’s little H-wood insider blog Defamer (after carrying the site to Gawker-fueled ubiquity, he left his founding editor post in ’08). I blurted the words to him at a poorly-attended cocktail party at Sundance ’06, after an hour of awkwardly hanging out in wait for Robin Tunney’s arrival, when his buddy casually dropped his name and I lost my shit faster than a rookie chili-eating contestant. I say it snarkily at parties, when I realize he’s funnier in HTML than in person (ZING, sucka! I kid, I kid). I grumble it to the sky ever single time the guy outfunnies me on a Facebook wall (this happens more frequently than you would think). And I sighed it aloud yesterday, when I read about his new gig as Deputy Editor of Yahoo! Entertainment Blogs via Business Insider (who I must applaud for choosing a most distinguished photo of the lad to compliment his success).

Super funny people are typically the worst folks in the world to be friends with. For one, the odds of them being totally crazy/depressed/derelict/perverse is about 100%. And two, they spend most of their time with you either being spitefully unfunny (they are, after all, “off the clock”) or proving, at all times, how much more twisted, quick-draw and sharp they are than everybody else. But the thing is, Lisanti doesn’t have to be cementing sticky celebrity nicknames or befriending Tawny Kitaen to make you laugh. He just makes you laugh. I often wonder if he even has to try to be funny, because gentle–but memorable–humor seems to seep out of his pores like joy from a unicorn’s eyes. He is Continue reading DISGRASIAN’s Summer Reading: Lisanti Quarterly

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Dear Jerry Yang

November 18th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Dear Jerry,

Hey dude. We know you’re having a shitty week. Shoot, the whole world knows, which probably means that, right about now, you’re in bed with the curtains drawn, licking raw cookie dough off your fingers, catching up on all those episodes of Deadliest Catch you’ve got stored on your TiVo. While everyone else is speculating what if (you had taken the Microsoft deal) and what next (for Yahoo!), we want to focus on YOU, Jer. Because, hey, you’re still worth a couple billion–okay, maybe a little less with this financial crisis thingy goin’ on–and you’ve worked really hard for that dough. Maybe too hard, naw mean? Don’t you think it’s time to step away from all this technological innovasian and have some good old-fashioned fun for a change?

That’s why we’re here. We, unlike you, are not billionaires. We really don’t know squat about running a business, much less, like, balancing our checkbooks. But we do know how to have fun. And if we had your kinda money, we would know how to spend it. Here are a few suggestions that we guarantee will help cheer you up:

1) Buy a sports team

We know what you’re thinking. Paul Allen’s been there, done that. But unlike Allen, you could buy a team, and, instead of merely parking yourself courtside to get some camera time or wasting your owner’s box on celebutard hangers-on or being content when your team is a perennial also-ran, you could commit. To building a contender. Don’t worry if you don’t know anything about sports. We can teach you. The first thing you need to know is that the Dallas Cowboys, the Pittsburgh Steelers, or the Boston Red Sox should be top 3 on your wishlist. Not just because they’re our favorite teams. Well, okay…maybe because they’re our favorite teams, but, like, whatever, all three of these teams have been #1 in one way or another over the last decade (merchandising and world championships), and you do want to be #1 again, don’t you?

2) Buy your way onto the space shuttle

You wanted to be more competitive with Google, right? Well, Sergey Brin bought his ticket to space…why not you? Since Sergey’s probably busy, like, Googling and stuff, you could totally get there before him! How awesome would it feel to beat Google for a change? Also, we can’t think of a better way to make your Hardass Asian Mama proud. All Asian parents want their kids to go to space; it’s a law of nature, like the effects of gravity. It’s going to cost you $35 million, and it will only bring short-term satisfaction, but if it means besting Google and making your Mom proud in one move, it’s worth every last purple penny.

3) Start an online-media empire in Asia

If space isn’t enough of a final frontier for you, let’s talk Asia. You’re already doing business there. You’ve earned a pretty bad reputasian for your dealings with China, and you probably feel a shit-ton of shame over it. Well, you should. But we’re not here to pile on (for now). We think that you could begin to make amends, however, by creating a content-driven online-media empire in Asia to satisfying the burgeoning middle- and upper-classes who want perspective, voice, opinion, and humor in their news. Think of it as becoming the Arianna Huffington of Asia, Yahoo! News with a panty-twist. We, um, could help you get started with that. In fact, we have this blog that would fit right into that business model. We’re all about Asia and Asians and opinions and humor. A weird coincidence, right?!

Anyhoo! Bet you’re feeling better already. We certainly are. So call us, Jerry Yang. We’re here for you.

always looking on the bright side,

DISGRASIAN

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!

November 6th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Happy 40th birthday to Yahoo! founder Jerry Yang! On this day, perhaps you can enjoy counting your billions and reminding yourself that even as the stock market continues to plunge, you will still remain rich enough to appear “goofy-hot” to your wife. Yay!

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Thinking EmAsianally

February 18th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Like many of you, I’ve been watching closely to see what will become of yesterday’s super-dot-com, Yahoo!, as Jerry Yang and pals try desperately to avoid Microsoft’s low-ball $46.6 billion hostile takeover.

Phew! Jen and I can’t wait until somebody attempts a $46.6 billion takeover of DISGRASIAN. Sorry, readers, at that point there will be no resistance, only island-purchasing. But you’ll all be invited to stay awhile!

Regarding Yahoo!’s reticence, I recently read an assessment of Yang that I never thought I’d see:

“According to one source close to the situation, ‘The emotional part of Yang would rather do anything but sell to Microsoft, but he doesn’t have the cards to come up with a value-creating, competitive alternative for shareholders.’”

My stoic, terse, anal-retentive, never-say-cry, Hardass Asian Dad and I have a pretty simple message for weepy Mr. Yang: “Do not emote. Sell! Sell! Sell!”

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I’m Not Yangin’ Your Chain About This One

November 6th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
“Democracy, Shmemocracy. Any Yahoo! could do it.”

Yahoo! co-founder Jerry Yang answered to Congress’ House Committee on Foreign Affairs today regarding his company’s involvement with the Chinese imprisonment of Journalist Shi Tao. Shi had used his private Yahoo! email account to send a brief of a 2004 document circulated by the Chinese Government entitled: “A notice concerning the work for maintaining stability”–which warned of Pro-Democracy Chinese dissident activity–to The Asia Democracy Foundation.

When asked for copies of the emails, Yahoo! handed them over immediately, as well as information about anonymous online postings by three other men that led to convictions for political crimes (all but one are still serving their time in jail).

No questions asked.

Goddamn.

I don’t know about you guys, but it’s times like these that I’m glad I use Gmail.

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