DISGRASIAN™

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Crazy Hong Kong Airport Lady

By now, unless you’re living in a cave without WiFi, you’ve seen the Crazy Hong Kong Airport Lady Fuh-Reak-Out on YouTube, along with–at present count–4.2 million other people.

When we first saw this, Diana was like, “Do you have any idea what she’s saying?”

And I was like, “Dude. I don’t speak Cantonese. But more importantly, those are not word-sounds coming out of her mouth. That lady is straight-up falling down.”

It seems kinda mean to call out a crazy lady, doesn’t it? And lord knows, we’ve all lost our shit at the airport, which we’re certain would be designated a ring of hell if Dante were alive today. But here’s where Crazy Hong Kong Airport Lady screwed up.

If you’re this prone to epic panic attacks–and we speak from personal experience–you ALWAYS WITHOUT EXCEPTION REMEMBER TO BRING DRUGS ON YOUR PERSON. ESPECIALLY TO THE AIRPORT. We’re talking Valium, Ativan, Xanax, Klonopin, and any other medication whose generic name ends in “azepam” that you would then chase down with a watery, airport lounge Bloody Mary. If you can’t remember that one itty-bitty detail, you really are useless. Except to 4.2 million people, all of whom are laughing at you.

Which serves some kind of purpose, we suppose.

*shrugs*

*pops pills ending in “azepam”*

Filed under: Benzodiazepines, Chinese Lady Misses Flight, Crazy Bitches, Crazy Hong Kong Airport Lady, Drugs Not Hugs, Falling Down, Shit Fits, Useless People, Xanax? Scotch?, YouTube Sensations

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: A Roll of the Dice-K

Well. It’s official. The Sox pitching rotation for the ALCS, which begins Friday, is set, and Dice-K will be starting Game 1. I’m both incredibly psyched and incredibly about-to-shit-my-pants. Dice-K, despite his awesome winning record this season, walks way too many batters. My baseball-watching comfort zone is insufficient to tolerate Dice-K’s putting-men-on-base-all-the-time steez (which has earned him the nickname “Dice-BB”); that is to say, it is close to nil. We either have to have an insurmountable lead or our pitcher needs to be totally shutting down the opposing team’s batters or else I’m splayed out on the floor, mumbling to myself, Xanax? Scotch? Xanax? Scotch? Xanax and Scotch? Not that Josh Beckett, who starts Game 2, is in better shape to kick things off. Every year I vow to swear off sports entirely because of moments like this. I know, I know…Shut up and pull it together, this is unbecoming. It’s not very Asian of me to say this–an appropriate response would be “Fuckin’ A, I’ve got my shit together” or “It’s in the bag”–but all I can offer at the moment is I. Will. Try.

Source

Filed under: ALCS, Anxiety-Ridden Sports Fans, Ballers, Boston Red Sox, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Dice-BB, Dice-K, Gamers, Hardass Asian Pitchers, Josh Beckett, Losing Your Shit, Tampa Bay Rays, Trying, Xanax? Scotch?