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When Former Fake Lovers Collide

October 27th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Together Again: Courtenay Semel and Tila Tequila celebrate Tila’s 27th birthday in Miami

COURTENAY: I thought we were broken-up. Didn’t I cheat on you or something?

TILA: Hahahahahaha! You’re so funny! That’s why I love you! My girlfriend’s got jokes! Smile for the paps! Make it look real! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

COURTENAY: This is getting a little old, don’t you think? By the way, your dress reminds me of a trash bag. I sorta want to dump my receipts and purse-lint into it.

TILA: Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday, dear Tila–

COURTENAY: What, what are you doing with my hair?

TILA: I’m playing with it because you’re my girlfriend. And that’s what girlfriends do. Partaaaaaaaaaaaay! We’re having so much fun! (loudly, to the assembled crowd) I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO TAKE THIS GIRL HOME AND LICK HER PUSSYYYYYYYYYY! Yum yum!

COURTENAY: Wow. I thought I was a publicity whore. But I’m starting to think that this is really beneath me. You do know that no one believes you’re gay, right?

TILA: When I play with your hair, nobody notices that your eyes are crossed! Yippeeeeeeee!

COURTENAY: Sigh. (to the paps) Do you guys mind taking the picture? I’d like to finish this up, then go home, draw a nice warm bath, put on some Sarah McLachlan, slit my wrists lengthwise, and call it a day, okay?


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Another Round for Tila Tequila?

October 9th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Tila Tequila told a group of paps outside of L.A. club Coco de Ville this week that she and girlfriend of two months, Courtenay Semel, are over. Tila went on to say that “many numerous” (aka “a bunch of a lot of”) sources had informed her that Courtenay has a wonk wall crossed wandering eye.

Which means Tila is probably nursing a broken heart (she’s human, right?). But how is she dealing with the break-up, we wonder? Is she…

Weeping on the couch in old, tangy-smelling sweats, popping Dibs, and watching Lifetime movies starring Jenna Elfman?

Renewing her gym membership to work on her core?

Taking up crochet? Listening to the Judds’ Greatest Hits? Becoming a vegan?

Reconsidering her decision not to host the third season of A Shot at Love?

Hmm. Our guess is…

Crochet. Definitely crochet. We imagine she could knit a lean, mean thongkini if she really set her mind to it. And she always did seem like an arts-and-craftsy kinda gal, don’t you think?


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Still Not Bi-ing It

August 5th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Courtenay Semel with her alleged new girlfriend, Tila Tequila

TILA: Hurry up, betch, and kiss me.

COURTENAY: Hold your horses, lady! I gotta uncross my eyes first.

TILA: Ughhh. Not that again.

COURTENAY: Yes, that again.

TILA: I sure know how to pick ‘em.

COURTENAY: (hysterically laughing) Betch, pleeeeeease. Do you know how much my daddy’s worth? I could buy your little Chinese ass if I wanted to.

TILA: Dude. I’m Vietnamese, you dumb slut.

COURTENAY: What’s the diff?

TILA: Good point. Did you get those wonk-eyes uncrossed yet? We gotta make out, betch. People don’t believe I’m bi and I really really really need the street cred, ‘kay?

COURTENAY: And I really really really need people to know who the fuck I am. Hanging out with other rich betches is not really helping. (beat) You’re right. We both really really really need each other.

TILA: That’s what I’m sayin’! Trust me. I have the Mid-ass touch. Everything I rub on turns to gold.

COURTENAY: Alright, alright! I’ve almost got my eyes uncrossed.

TILA: Fuck. We’re getting nowhere with this. (sighs) Just take the picture.

Thanks, Jasmine!

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Paris Invasian

July 23rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Paris Hilton announced on her MySpace blog today that she will be joining the geeks and weirdos at this week’s Comic-Con, to promote her new movie, Repo! The Genetic Opera.

Um, what’s up, va-Johnny come lately? Smarties, techies, geeks, and nerds are OUR territory, so bitch better be careful where she steps.

If Jen (who will be geeking it up in the Gaslamp, DISGRASIAN-style) catches so much as a glimpse of that smelly, fishy, stupid ho-bag, I guarantee that there’s going to be an ugly scene. A very ugly scene.


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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK: Paris Fuckin’ Hilton

June 8th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

(Transcript from conversation overheard at DISGRASIAN HQ earlier today)

DIANA: Good morning, Jen!

JEN: What? WHAT? I can’t hear you over the din of these fucking news helicopters!

DIANA: WHAT DID YOU SAY? [to the assistant, Nicolai] Nicolai!!! Why the hell won’t these helicopters stop flying overhead!?

NICHOLAS: [bitchily] My name is Nick.


NICHOLAS: [bitchily] We’re in the Hollywood Hills. All those dishy news copters want to get a peek of Paris riding in a cop car to court.

DIANA: Oh Jesus H. Christ! Nicolaya, please get Jen The Times and me some earplugs.

NICHOLAS: [bitchily] Whhhhatever. [goes to fetch the paper and wadded up toilet paper for Diana's ears]

DIANA: [stuffing ears with TP while squeaking open her laptop] Ahhhhhh. So what’s going on today?

JEN: Missile test in North Korea. Riot in China. Putin offered the US a joint missile plan.

DIANA: Mmm hmm.

JEN: Did you hear what I said?

DIANA: Mmm hmm. Yep.

JEN: Putin, dude.

DIANA: Totally. Totally. That’s hot, Jen.

JEN: What…did…you…say?

DIANA: Whaaaat?


[Jen sees...]

JEN: Diana.

DIANA: [snapping out of a daze] Oh my god, Jen. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

JEN: What happened to you?

DIANA: I don’t know, you know, it’s like, I clicked on the first headline I saw on CNN. And… And… It was a piece about Paris going to court. And then I started to think, you know, in many ways, she’s like one of us! Like those dogs, all those little dogs. She dresses kinda like Bai Ling. She’s a terrible driver! She loves soft cuddly things. Dude, she loves Hello Kitty!

JEN: Diana, she calls it “hello pussy.”

DIANA: No, look!

[Shows Jen...]

JEN: Oh, for crying out loud.

DIANA: Jen! Look, with her eyes closed, she even kinda looks like…

JEN: Don’t say it! Don’t you fucking say it!

DIANA: …an Asian.

JEN: [charges over to Diana and slaps her repeatedly in the face] WHAT’S COME OVER YOU?? DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND HOW WRONG YOU ARE?

DIANA: Ow. Ow. Ow.

JEN: Paris Hilton is useless. First of all, she could not be less Asian. She sits with her legs spread. She did not succeed in school. She repeatedly dishonors her family name.

DIANA: Oh man. So true.

JEN: More importantly, she represents a huge societal low. She’s known for nothing honorable. Her legacy of failing upward and being famous for nothing but exposed genitals is PATHETIC. No one should care about her and yet everyone can’t stop hearing about her. Her existence precludes 99% of the population from knowing what’s going on in the real world at all times. She’s a cockroach. She is shameful. She’s a DISGRACE… to ALL RACES.

And because of her, these stupid helicopters won’t stop ruining my morning latte on the DISGRASIAN patio. Do you understand?

DIANA: [shuddering] Oh my god… yes… oh my god… Ech, I was so…so brainwashed for a moment there.

JEN: It’s okay. You’ll be okay. [To Nicholas] Nickolojawan, bring Diana a cool cloth for her head.

NICHOLAS: [bitchily] Ughhh! Fine.

JEN: Diana, maybe what you need to do is declare Paris Hilton DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK, and think about what you’ve said today.

DIANA: You’re right, Jen. You’re so, so right.

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