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Who Knew? Pilipinas Loves Animal Sounds And Bondage Gear And…

March 19th, 2010 | 4 comments | Posted by Diana

What I learned watching the following excerpt from Pilipinas Got Talent:


1. “B.M.” doesn’t always stand for “Bowel Movement.”

2. Sometimes, scaring is caring.

3. Black vinyl dominatrix gear with a flirty yellow tulle robe might get you fugged in the United States, but the PGT judges love it. LOVE IT.

4. The sound of a loud horse neigh scares the shit out of me.

5. It’s true–heels DO go with everything.

6. When you wait for the loud “X” buzzer, it never comes.

7. Those strange talents that the losers honed in homeroom while I was doodling stuff for my fanzine might actually pay off one day.

8. I clearly wouldn’t know talent if it walked up to me on Sunset Boulevard wearing an “I’m Talent” t-shirt and holding up a sign reading, “What does talent look like? Me!” then kicked me in the ass, punched me in the eye, and said, “I said I’m TALENT!”

[YouTube: Pilipinas Got Talent Big Mouth (BM)]

Source Thanks, G Scott!

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Andrea Kremer Loves Every Color But Breast Pink

October 12th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I spent the weekend in the City of Fountains, Kansas City (Missouri, not Kansas), marveling at the waterworks that have been tinted pink for Breast Cancer Awareness Month:

I investigated–not Kool-Aid

…and couldn’t wait for last night, when I would finally see if Sunday Night Football correspondent Andrea Kremer has decided to take our advice and hop on the NFL’s hot pink Breast Cancer Awareness train!

“Eff your lady lumps!”

Instead, Kremer wore another aggressive color: bright fucking banana yellow.

Hey, y’all know we love ourselves some yellow (!!!), but this is getting ridiculous.

[NFL Shop: 2009 Breast Cancer Awareness Gear]
[Susan G. Komen For The Cure - Official Site]

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Haiyang Zhu

January 23rd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Xin Yang and Haiyang Zhu

Haiyang Zhu–the Chinese grad student at Virginia Tech allegedly responsible for decapitating new friend Xin Yang with a kitchen knife on Wednesday–apparently showed signs of frustration unrelated to the incident earlier this month.

AP reports:

[A] Chinese-language blog was written earlier this month under the name Haiyang Zhu, and displaying the same photo of Zhu by authorities in Virginia. The author expressed frustration over stock losses and other problems in the blog, dated Jan. 7.

‘Big stock losses. Recently I’ve been so frustrated I think only of killing someone or committing suicide,’ the posting reads.

We are numb with disbelief, seeing that he chose to employ the former rather than the latter–and brokenhearted either way.

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Halloween Shame Hall-of-Fame

November 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Dear Bobby Trendy,

The wait service in Los Angeles is notoriously bad–this, however, takes “bad” to a whole new level.

A pair of shorts, darlin’? Is that too much to ASSk?

Eyes-a-burnin’,
DISGRASIAN

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Margaret Bis This Crap?

June 10th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

As I’ve watched the candidates in this election cycle come and go, and their powerful friends step up to give endorsements, I’ve found myself developing more of an opinion about the endorser than the endorsed.

For example:

Chuck and Huck

When Chuck Norris came out strong for Mike “God and I Think the Constitution Could Use Some Work” Huckabee, I didn’t lose any sleep or respect for the Huckster (there wasn’t a lot to begin with). But I definitely stopped believing that Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

So now how should I feel, even though a Presidential candidate isn’t on the line, about the fact that my heroine Margaret Cho has come out on behalf of Tila Tequila?

She wrote this today on her blog:

“I love Tila Tequila and in many ways I consider her my spiritual daughter. She is a beautiful Asian American woman with a head for business and a bod for sin. She rules and she’s got tattoos!! Oh and she is bisexual!! She’s great and I think her show “A Shot at Love” is groundbreaking and fabulously entertaining

Sometimes people complain and say that the show is all fixed fake and that Tila isn’t really queer and it’s all bullshit, but I don’t believe them. I think it is real, and even if it isn’t – who fucking cares? We have a major hit TV dating show that revolves around a queer star. The real identity of the players or the legitimacy of the game isn’t important to me. What is important is that people like Tila, which means people like me, are no longer invisible. We are here, we are queer, and everyone is getting used to it.”

The thing is, I don’t know if I care more about the fact that Margaret got behind Tila (not lit-rally, but like the Kennedys for Obama), or her casual willingness to dismiss the importance of the identity of Tila’s sexual pawns. I’m all for high-visibility gays and bis but without identity, attention is just bullshit. And should we really celebrate exploitation without real progress? I dunno, maybe we should ask mid-century Black performers that got to dance and sing for white folks but couldn’t enter through he same concert hall doors.

How should I feel about this? Maybe I’ll just introduce Margaret to Chuck and call it a day. That’ll kill two stones with one burn.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Alterasians

March 28th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

We’ve all had those awful moments of realization: We have our mother’s moon face. A third-world flat nose. Our dad’s beady-little almond eyes. Sausage knees. A flat ass. Non-existent cheekbones. Five feet of tiny height. Or whatever else is wrong with us, that can be magically assessed in a highly unforgiving full-length mirror.

All of which make it very difficult to look like Gisele Bündchen, or like the Sweet Valley twins that you read about through grade school, or your Barbie dolls, or that bitchy, skinny, matchy-matchy perfect 10 that your crush, Jeff, is going out with instead of you.

In those moments, it’s so easy to daydream about how easy it could be to get just a little something done. Maybe a little eyelid snip ‘n’ pull like your friend Jenny got on her “mother-daughter trip” to Korea. Or perhaps a bit of work on your nose to help out with that deviated septum.

I must say, I was a bit taken aback, though not surprised, by the tip I received numerous times this week, all of which pointed to: Asian-Americans are more down for plastic surgery than anyone else these days.

Hey, it’s not like I haven’t thought about it, or marveled at the wonderful work I’ve seen on my newly round-eyed relatives. But it does bum me out.

When are we going to realize that we’re blazin’ hot the way we are? We don’t get old, we don’t get fat, and hey, from what I hear, white people seem to like us just the way we are. So maybe we should start liking ourselves.

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Mercury Retrograsian

January 24th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Mmmmmmmmmmmm…

The New York Times published a report today raising questions about bluefin tuna samples from twenty Manhattan restaurants that tested high for mercury levels. Tuna from five of the restaurants were so high, in fact, that the FDA would be within its rights to take their fish off the market. I tell you, just repeating these words is giving me an “oh no, not sushi!” panic attack.

The alarming report continues:

In general, tuna sushi from food stores was much lower in mercury. These findings reinforce results in other studies showing that more expensive tuna usually contains more mercury because it is more likely to come from a larger species, which accumulates mercury from the fish it eats. Mercury enters the environment as an industrial pollutant.

So now what? We shouldn’t eat expensive sushi? I can’t even process that idea. My mind is having a meltdown. I seriously do not know how I can possibly even deal with such a proposal.

Some environmental groups have sounded the alarm. Environmental Defense, the advocacy group, says no one, no matter his or her age, should eat bluefin tuna. Dr. Gochfeld said: “I like to think of tuna sushi as an occasional treat. A steady diet is certainly problematic. There are a lot of other sushi choices.”

AN OCCASIONAL TREAT??? I SWEAR TO GOD MY STEADY DIET OF SUSHI HAS NEVER BEEN PROBLEMATIC IN ANY WAY! LOOK AT ME, I’M FINE. OH MY GOD, HOW I WISH I HAD NEVER EVER EVER EVER LAID EYES ON THIS ARTICLE!!! HOW CAN I UNDO IT? HOW? WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…

**Addendum: Empower yourself! Environmental Defense has done their homework so that people can make fish choices that are good for them AND the ocean! Sounds like a win-win. Check out their Seafood Selector here.

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Thanks a whole lot, Maris.

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Look at the World Through Hello Kitty-Colored Contact Lenses

January 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Why?

Because:

a) You like scaring the bejeezus out of coworkers.
b) You are a dude unafraid of his feminine side.
c) You had an unhappy childhood.
d) You find it hard to resist anything with a pussy on it.

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Goodbye Kitty

December 31st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

And now, introducing…Hello Kitty! For men!

Sanrio company spokesperson Kazuo Tohmatsu explained the reasoning behind the line to the AP:

“Young men these days grew up with character goods,” said Tohmatsu. “That generation feels no embarrassment about wearing Hello Kitty.”

Really? Perhaps they should.

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Rivulvsion

November 28th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Dear Riyo,

I know we’ve given you shit in the past, mostly because you’re hot and you’re Miss Universe and we’re bitchy and a little jealous. But I’ve come around to you. I’ll admit I’ve been watching Pageant Place–and I won’t even pretend that I’ve been doing so “ironically”–and you are my favorite character on the show. Sure, you’re basically mutasian (a mute Asian character often seen on television and in movies), but in this case, it’s a good thing, since all the other beauty queens you’re forced to live with are hysterical crybabies having hissy fits and bitchfights every five seconds (which I watch with pleasure, also unironically). Your silence conveys a certain dignity that I feel your housemates are sorely lacking. You come across as a decent, classy gal.

And hey, I just wanted to tell you, you are rockin’ those new bangs, which you debuted at the Vogue Nippon Women of the Year awards last weekend. But what I can’t for the life of me figure out is why you wore this, this thing:

You do realize, Riyo, that you are wearing a GIANT VULVA on your chest, don’t you?

The “Rivulvsion” dress and Georgia O’Keeffe’s Black Iris


This is not classy. This is not dignified. This is just…ewww.

thinking of you and skipping lunch today,
Jen

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Paging Bruce Springsteen

June 27th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Sivaji: The Boss, a Tamil language film released this month in India, is reportedly the most expensive Indian movie made to date. Much of the $20 million dollar budget went to Computer Generated Imagery (CGI) designed to make its star Rajinikanth appear white.

Rajini before CGI (bottom right) and after (left)


What does this mean for Hollywood?

The sequel to this masterpiece…

…is gonna be SO SO boss.

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When Worlds Collide: Robot Wedding

June 18th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
From the AFP: “Robot hosts South Korean wedding”

Robot: Ahem. Can I get everyone’s attention, please? I would like to propose a toast to the beautiful bride and the groom, my creator and friend, Seok Gyeong-Jae.

Groom: Thank you. Everyone, give it up for Tiro the Robot. We’re making history today, as this is the first time a robot has ever hosted a wedding.

(Wedding guests clap.)

Robot: Aw shucks, man. It’s a real honor. I just wanted to tell everybody that the first time I met the bride, I knew that these two were a match made in heaven.

Bride: That is so sweet.

Robot: Seok and I were out at a bar–cuz the dude is and always will be my wingman, right, Seok? Punch it in, brah!

(Robot and Groom fist-knock. Bride raises an eyebrow.)

Anywho, we were at this bar, and this smokin’ hot babe walks in with her girlfriends, and I was, like, Seok, did you see the pair of ti–

Groom: Er, I think it’s time to cut the cake!

Robot: And he was, like, duuuuuude, I wouldn’t mind tapping that a–

Bride: (yelling) Who wants CHAMPAGNE?

Robot: Which didn’t prove so difficult in the end, as our blushing bride here turned out to be a big-time sl–

Bride: Will someone fucking get me a bucket of water or something to throw on this thing?

Robot: Thing? How incredibly offensive. I’m not a thing. I am capable of at least 436 emotions–

Bride: (to Groom) Brilliant idea, by the way. Really genius.

Robot: Seok, buddy. Don’t say I never warned you that she was a C-U-Next-Tues–

(Groom reaches over and pulls the plug on Tiro the Robot.)

Groom: That concludes our toasts for the evening! (to Wedding Photographer) Please take the picture while I am still living and breathing.

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