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Hails from: Hunan Province, China
Occupation: Model and New Face of Estée Lauder
Why She’s a Babe: Because Liu Wen’s got quite possibly the prettiest pucker we’ve ever seen. And she books modeling jobs wearing no makeup (bitch!). And because she’s the first Asian model EVAR to be a “face” of Estée Lauder. And firsts of any kind–except First Loser, aka second place–are delicious. (You may recall that Liu was also the first Asian model to walk for Victoria’s Secret, where she somehow managed to look smokin’ while wrapped in what appeared to be an industrial air-conditioning duct.)
The 5′ 10 1/2″ Chinese model will be joining a gaggle of white girls–Gwyneth Paltrow, Elizabeth Hurley, Carolyn Murphy, and Hilary Rhoda–in representing Estée Lauder, whose ads often oppress with, let’s just say, their unbearable whiteness of being.
And also: about fucking time!
Filed under: Asian Models, Beauty Brands, Cosmetics, Estée Lauder, Finally, Liu Wen, Liu Wen First Asian Face of Estee Lauder, Liu Wen First Asian Model Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, Marketing to Asians, Model Liu Wen, People That Can Wear No Makeup, The Unbearable Whiteness of Being, Victoria's Secret, White Girls
I typically love most of what our friend at Slant Eye for the Round Eye posts on his blog, but not today. Nope, today, he posted (with a disclaimer, natch) a new Funny or Die vid starring the most horribly un-hilarious comic ever, Dat Phan:
Swedish pop superstar Robyn’s new self-titled album was recently released in the UK on her label Konichiwa Records (an homage to Dave Chappelle’s “Racial Draft” bit), and it rules. Watch her rock this hilarious video for “Konichiwa Bitches,” the LP’s plucky hip-hop single.
[Diana covers mouth and giggles]
Lauren Gottlieb, one of the finalists of So You Think You Can Dance? gushed to the camera last night about her “alter-ego,” that of an Asian girl named “Misha Chan.”
Here’s the highlight:
“Lately I’ve kinda chopped up my hair and kinda looked more Asian and had a million people ask me if i was Asian, so I kind of… made this Asian identity, named Misha. I actually go into auditions sometimes and change my name on the top from Lauren Gottlieb to Misha Chan. And go audition [laughs]!”
(And no, I’m not going to even get into the Ching Chong music the SYTYCD producers tacked on in the background of her backstory package.)
Well, you can definitely dance. I will give you that.
Girl, WHAT? What are you doing? I know that this alter-ego thing is supposed to be some imitative kind of flattery, but…HUH? You can’t just chop off your hair and make up some whack name and pretend to be one of us at auditions. You just can’t.
Why? Because it’s creepy.
Why? Because you have too much booty to be Asian.
Why? Because we’re not named “Misha.” Our parents named us Sandy and Michelle and Jenny and Annie and Caroline and Lisa. Nobody knows an Asian girl named Misha. For the record, Mischa should be spelled “Mischa” like Barton, while “Misha” just looks like a half-assed knock off of “Mochi.”
Why? Because you’re a spaz, and people like you should only be referred to as “Love” or “Angel” or “Music” or “Disgrasian.”
Why? Because to be Asian requires just a tad more than a fucked-up haircut and a four-letter last name. It’s hard. It requires being flat-chested your whole life. It requires twenty or so years spent disappointing your parents unless you become the top student at your Tony medical school, and shaming your ancestors if you don’t marry well. It means being called Nip, Chink, Charlie, Gook, Slit-eye, Chinaman, and Jap, even by people that don’t have all their teeth or brain cells. It means strangers remarking at how wonderfully you speak English, even if you were born in Nebraska. It’s about having hair that won’t curl, knees that look like sausages, fucked up little teeth, and eyelids that look like shit with too much smoky shadow. It’s about being good at math, or conversely not being good at math and being considered a total failure. It’s about laughing awkwardly when kids at school chant, “Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees, Look at These.” It’s about always being compared to Lucy Liu, even if you don’t have freckles or teardrop eyes. It’s about college boys asking you if your vagina is sideways and meaning it. Do you read me? This shit is REAL.
Now, please understand that this comes from a girl who has memorized a hundred words of Hebrew, cooked a lotta latkes, and lit many a candle for Shabbos in an attempt to be loved as a Jew. It’s a very delicate dance, racial drag. Believe you me.
My advice… hang out with some Asians. Eat some Asian food (Jonathan Gold can point you in the right direction). Love yourself some Asian men (they’re so hot, why not?). Try a little bit of this and a little bit of that–ALL OF THIS before going on national television to introduce Misha Chan. Because Misha Chan is a DISGRASIAN.
Recently Daniel Dae Kim was snapped in Vancouver–and not well, as you’ll see–accompanied by an unidentified lady friend.
Now, if roles were reversed, and, say, Yunjin Kim (who plays DDK’s wife on Lost) was photographed on the street with a white dude, SOME PEOPLE (and they know who they are) would be fah-reaking out and denouncing her as a race traitor, a fetish object, a sellout, and maybe just plain ugly.
So what am I going to say about DDK and his new GF, you wonder?
First of all, I really don’t care what color his girlfriend is.
…she looks like an average sorority girl. Bleh. He can do way better in any shade. And, yes, I’m bitter.
Have you seen that box of moon cakes my Mom gave me for New Year? It was wrapped in pink and red cellophane and decorated with about thirty cardboard cutouts of dragons and little Asian children and things.
Oh I’m so hungry.
By the way, isn’t Eva Green a hot mess?
Remember when Gwen Stefani used to wear all that Dior? Things haven’t gotten better.
(Transcript from conversation overheard at DISGRASIAN HQ earlier today)
DIANA: Good morning, Jen!
JEN: What? WHAT? I can’t hear you over the din of these fucking news helicopters!
DIANA: WHAT DID YOU SAY? [to the assistant, Nicolai] Nicolai!!! Why the hell won’t these helicopters stop flying overhead!?
NICHOLAS: [bitchily] My name is Nick.
JEN: BITCH, ANSWER THE QUESTION!
NICHOLAS: [bitchily] We’re in the Hollywood Hills. All those dishy news copters want to get a peek of Paris riding in a cop car to court.
DIANA: Oh Jesus H. Christ! Nicolaya, please get Jen The Times and me some earplugs.
NICHOLAS: [bitchily] Whhhhatever. [goes to fetch the paper and wadded up toilet paper for Diana's ears]
DIANA: [stuffing ears with TP while squeaking open her laptop] Ahhhhhh. So what’s going on today?
JEN: Missile test in North Korea. Riot in China. Putin offered the US a joint missile plan.
DIANA: Mmm hmm.
JEN: Did you hear what I said?
DIANA: Mmm hmm. Yep.
JEN: Putin, dude.
DIANA: Totally. Totally. That’s hot, Jen.
DIANA: [snapping out of a daze] Oh my god, Jen. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
JEN: What happened to you?
DIANA: I don’t know, you know, it’s like, I clicked on the first headline I saw on CNN. And… And… It was a piece about Paris going to court. And then I started to think, you know, in many ways, she’s like one of us! Like those dogs, all those little dogs. She dresses kinda like Bai Ling. She’s a terrible driver! She loves soft cuddly things. Dude, she loves Hello Kitty!
JEN: Diana, she calls it “hello pussy.”
DIANA: No, look!
DIANA: Jen! Look, with her eyes closed, she even kinda looks like…
JEN: Don’t say it! Don’t you fucking say it!
DIANA: …an Asian.
JEN: [charges over to Diana and slaps her repeatedly in the face] WHAT’S COME OVER YOU?? DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND HOW WRONG YOU ARE?
DIANA: Ow. Ow. Ow.
JEN: Paris Hilton is useless. First of all, she could not be less Asian. She sits with her legs spread. She did not succeed in school. She repeatedly dishonors her family name.
DIANA: Oh man. So true.
JEN: More importantly, she represents a huge societal low. She’s known for nothing honorable. Her legacy of failing upward and being famous for nothing but exposed genitals is PATHETIC. No one should care about her and yet everyone can’t stop hearing about her. Her existence precludes 99% of the population from knowing what’s going on in the real world at all times. She’s a cockroach. She is shameful. She’s a DISGRACE… to ALL RACES.
And because of her, these stupid helicopters won’t stop ruining my morning latte on the DISGRASIAN patio. Do you understand?
DIANA: [shuddering] Oh my god… yes… oh my god… Ech, I was so…so brainwashed for a moment there.
JEN: It’s okay. You’ll be okay. [To Nicholas] Nickolojawan, bring Diana a cool cloth for her head.
NICHOLAS: [bitchily] Ughhh! Fine.
JEN: Diana, maybe what you need to do is declare Paris Hilton DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK, and think about what you’ve said today.
DIANA: You’re right, Jen. You’re so, so right.
The 2 hour Grey’s Anatomy special episode airs tonight. I’m watching b-ball in bed instead, nursing a glass of pinot. While I’m not a fan of the ABC drama and know little about the characters, I was nevertheless curious to take the Grey’s Diagnosis: Who Are You Most Like? quiz on the ABC website.
I was even willing to believe that I might be like my other fellow women-of-color, bossy bitch Bailey or saucy, fun-loving Callie Torres (now I’m just calling on stereotypes because I’ve seen the show twice). But, lo and behold, guess who I turned out to be?
Aw he-ell no.
Friday night at Coachella was a bit of a bust. Sonic Youth had just flown in from China and played such tinny, jetlagged versions of “Candle” and “100%” that I actually began to think that they were too old to rock. Blasphemy, I know. The same could have been said for me and my sweaty ass, as I fell asleep during Interpoo and found myself fending off waifs half my age who were trying the entire night–in vain–to buy my beer bracelet off me. Most of these indie-rock chicks were decked out in the latest Ukrainian Hooker Couture, an example of which I found on the very funny carpetblog.
Bjork closed out the night with songs from her forthcoming album, Volta. I considered revoking her Honorasian status after that funereal, horn-heavy dirge-a-thon, but walked out instead along with the rest of the bjummed-out, red-ankled crowd.
The best performance came from The Jesus and Mary Chain, who reunited for the desert festival. They looked like accountants on casual Friday, but they were tight.
Scarlett Jugshansson joined lead singer Jim Reid for “Just Like Honey,” that Prozacian anthem forever marred by that pointless Sofia Coppola movie. I can say with certainty that Jugs was the prettiest Ukrainian Hooker of them all.
Speaking of working girls, Amy Winehouse played before sunset in probably the most-anticipated Friday show. Her throwback voice is quite powerful, and I love the fact that she seems to have stepped right out of a Diane Arbus photograph. But when she busted out Lauryn Hill’s “Doo Wop (That Thang),” and all the shirtless white folk around me started bobbing their heads like they were at a Phish concert,
Our Lauryn, who art in Jersey, hallowed be thy dopeness. Thy new album come, thy record sales be done, on earth as it is on the Billboard charts. Give this white girl this day a can of whoop-ass, and forgive her her trespasses, as we forgive her trespasses against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from this blue-eyed soul hooey. For thine is the real real, the power, and the glory. White people singing R&B and being held to a much lower standard are tired, forever and ever, amen.
I AM SICK OF YOUR ASS. Put that thing away. Take it off the shelf next month if you must–but in the meantime, go grab Jessica Biel and Ice-T’s wife Coco and go bowling. Seriously. All y’all. Enough.
The life of Annabel Chong, the Singaporean porn star/self-anointed feminist who performed 251 sex acts on 70 dudes in 10 hours, has been turned into “251,” a play that is currently up in her native country.
I have to admit, I’m intrigued by Miz Chong, who has apparently retired from the biz and is now a “web designer and programmer,” according to Wikipedia. How did she make the transition? Is her feminist take on porn and gangbanging for real? Did she actually read Michel Foucault?
But then I look at the poster for the play, and I have only one question: