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But you already knew that, right? Because if Ms. Wallace had any understanding of how the Interwebz works, she might have anticipated the overwhelming and overwhelmingly negative response her video “Asians In The Library” would receive and nipped–no pun intended–the idea in the bud, continuing her college career instead in the usual quiet, polite, epiphanic-manner in which she’s clearly always conducted herself.
Further evidence of her ignorance–web-related and otherwise–surfaced today in Wallace’s hometown paper, The Sacramento Bee, in which it was revealed that Wallace’s father had written on his Facebook page last Friday morning, around the time Wallace posted the video:
“My daughter wants to start a blog. She’s asking for domain suggestions for ‘Asians on their cellphones in the library!’ She’s shooting videos as I write.”
“ASKING FOR DOMAIN SUGGESTIONS”???
Okay, look. I’m not even taking issue with the fact that she at some point thought making “Asians In The Library” into some kind of serial thing was a good idea or that she thought her dad would be the most appropriate counsel for matters pertaining to the youngs or even that her dad didn’t judge her blog idea to be totally racist and wack and think to intervene with a little fatherly advice–but, while we’re on the subject, what up with that?–I’m taking issue with the fact that THE DOMAIN SUGGESTION WAS RIGHT UNDER HER GODDAMN NOSE AND SHE COULDN’T SEE IT.
Filed under: Alexandra Wallace, Alexandra Wallace Racist Rant, Asians In The Library, Asians in the Library Remix, Ching Chong Ling Long Ting Tong, Draculo, Draculo Asians in the Library Remix, Internet Fame, Memes, Racist Rants, Really Dumb People, UCLA, UCLA student Alexandra Wallace, UCLA Student Racist Rant, Viral Videos, We're Taking Over Everything, YouTube
Just in time for Halloween, fiscal conservative think-tank Citizens Against Government Waste (CAGW)–which has been tied to big tobacco and corrupt lobbyist Jack Abramoff–has released a campaign ad depicting a scary vision of the future in which the Chinese have taken over everything:
According to Ben Smith at Politico, the ad’s an homage to a 1986 Ridley Scott-directed ad that was paid for by CAGW’s founder, and it’s produced by Larry McCarthy, who also produced the 1988 Willie Horton ad that did considerable damage to Democrat Michael Dukakis’s presidential campaign by fueling white voters’ fear of black men.
But it’s 2010, and what Americans need to be afraid of is…China!
And we are afraid. We are VERY afraid.
So afraid that we want to make this ad less scary–and race-baiting and fear-mongering and just kinda baaaaad–and more fun. And that’s where we need your help. Campus Progress Action has already done their own parody, and we want to see yours. So we–along with 8Asians, Angry Asian Man, and Reappropriate–are making it a CONTEST. Because Asians love contests. Because Asians love to win. Which is why we’re taking over everything!
Here’s what you need to do:
Filed under: CAGW, China, Chinese Professor Campaign Ad, Chysteria, Citizens Against Government Waste, Conservatards, Contests, Evil Chinese Professor, Fair Use, Fear of China, Fear-Mongering, Fiscal Conservatards, Jack Abramoff, Lobbyists, Race-Baiting, We're Taking Over Everything, Xenophobia
Holy shit, the Chinese are coming. But it’s not how you think. They’re not coming to take over a depressed, podunk American town and fight an insurgency of armed high school jocks. They’re not coming to buy up all of our real estate, convert the dollar to renminbi, or force us all to speak Mandarin (I mean, hello? This is America, where most people only speak American, so good luck with that). They are coming to America in record numbers as tourists, but that’s only a temporary phenomenon and, quite frankly, we could use the dough.
According to Google CEO, Eric Schmidt, the Chinese are coming…to take over the Internet. In a talk given at last week’s Gartner Symposium, Schmidt predicted that the internet in 5 years would be dominated by Chinese-language content.
For those who are “extremely terrified of Chinese people” and can only speak American, take heart. The scarier news that Schmidt delivered?
Today’s teenagers are the model for how the web will work in five years. You know, the same teenagers who we always hear are getting dumber. Schmidt’s exact words:
Talk to a teenager about the way they consume information, and remember that five or ten years from now, that’s your employee. It’s a little frightening, by the way.
A little frightening?!
Building my bunker now…
Filed under: Google, Google CEO Eric Schmidt, I Am Extremely Terrified of Chinese People, Predictions, Red Dawn, Teenagers, Teenagers Getting Dumber, The Chinese Are Coming, The Internet in Five Years, We're Taking Over Everything, Yellow Peril
Not to sound like your Hardass Asian Parents, but we’re really disappointed in you. Okay, correction. We’re really disappointed in us. Last week, the AP reported, much to our alarm, that the Asian-American population has slowed unexpectedly (the Latino population, too). What that means, friends, is that our children will not be making round-eye jokes on the playground (“Why are your eyes so big? Can you actually see out of them?”) or bullying white kids for sucking at math and the violin and for not wearing thick glasses or because their houses smell “funny” (i.e. not like soy sauce, funky herbs, and Tiger Balm), and it will still not be cool to be smart in the year 2023, as projected. And dude, that blows. There’s no way we’re going to take over everything if our numbers keep shrinking! So let’s stop fuckin’ around here, people, and start fuckin’ without condoms, okay?*
*DISCLAIMER: This advice should not be heeded by teenagers, students with outstanding college loans and no job prospects, hipsters, hipster grifters, assholes, drips, people lacking in charisma, dumb people, lovers of emo, children-haters, people lacking “indoor voices,” Michelle Malkin, or mimes.
Intern Jasmine frequently reminds us here at DISGRASIAN HQ that writer/actress Mindy Kaling is a comedic fuckin’ genius. That’s all well and good–Asians love a genius!
But it was only today, after reading about Kaling’s freshly inked overall deal with NBC, via the Peacock and Universal Media Studios (Asians especially love a successful genius), that we realized just how much we have in common with the funnywoman.
Kaling spilled the details of her mission to Variety, saying:
“This is my first step in a Transformers-style way to take over the whole world.”
WORLD DOMINASIAN? Now that’s something we understand. Jasmine’s right: Mindy Kaling, you are most definitely our kind of woman.
This month, Michelin released its first ever restaurant guide of Tokyo (and its first in Asia). Unlike other Michelin guides, every restaurant and hotel reviewed in Michelin Tokyo was awarded stars (on a scale of 1 to 3). Now Tokyo has 191 stars, the most in the world.
Out of the 150 restaurants given stars, almost one-third of them are French (44, to be exact). If you’ve ever visited Tokyo, you know how easy it is to get a crusty baguette or a killer croissant, the likes of which you could only find elsewhere in France. Looks like the Japanese are out-Frenching the French.
Which means…we’re taking over everything. Yaysian!
If you think Michelin is synonymous with tires, read this.
Korean-born Jeannie Cho Lee is a dissertation away from becoming Asia’s first Master of Wine, a distinction only 265 people in the world have obtained. Reuters reported that the “Master of Wine has been likened to a PhD”–so really, it was only a matter of time before one of us got one. The Oxford-educated Lee, a mother of four, is particularly exceptional because she does not work in the wine industry and all of this began as a “hobby.”
Which is great news for Diana and me, since we fancy ourselves wine hobbyists, too! Oenophiles, in fact, which I believe is Greek for winos.
Houston Rockets center Yao Ming was named Western Conference Playa of the Week yesterday after averaging 27.8 points, 10.5 rebounds, and 2.8 blocks two weeks into the season. This acknowledgment was the perfect capper to last Saturday’s highly-touted Yao-Yi showdown, where Yao and his Rockets won 104-88.
The most impressive numbers from that game didn’t come from the Chinese ballers, however. Chinese sports commentators estimate that the match–dubbed “The Super Bowl” by China Daily–drew 100 to 200 million viewers in their home country, causing NBA
evil mastermind commish David Stern to splooge all over his suit pants and have a fantastic weekend.
My friend Greenie, a diehard New Yorker and joke savant–if you ever need a script “punched up” as they say or a food recommendation in his favorite city–he’s your man. He sent me this tip from the New York Post this morning about the Forbes’ Top Ten Most Powerful Women on the planet:
POprah didn’t even crack the top ten, and you know we’re all going be tithing 10% of our earnings to her in 10 years, because that bitch is more powerful than God. But, dude, Chi Wu, Ching Ho, Indra Nooyi, and Sonia Gandhi? That’s 40 percent of the Top Ten, y’all.
We kick ass! We rule!
And, as Greenie wrote in his email, “Let’s hear those dry cleaners jokes NOW, suckas!”
Korean reggae artist Cho Sung-jin, aka Skull, has released a single “Boom Di Boom Di” that’s made it to #5 on the Billboard Hot R&B/Hiphop Singles Sales charts.
Skull is managed by Morgan Carey, Mariah’s brother, so there are already rumors of a future collaboration between Skull and Mimi.
Go to Skull’s myspace page to have a listen. He’s pretty easy on the eyes, too.
Seattle Mariners’ superstud Ichiro Suzuki made history on Tuesday, hitting the first ever inside-the-park home run at an All-Star Game. He was later awarded the All-Star MVP by a very awkward, very dermatologically-pumped up Jeanne Zelasko.
Congratulasians, Ichiro! You rule.
Last Friday, the New York Yankees formally introduced their two 19 year-old, Chinese prospects, pitcher Kai Lu and catcher Zhenwang Zhang, to the media. Yankees General Manager Brian Ca$hman was also present at the press conference.
Kai Lu: Ching-chong ching-chong.
Zhenwang Zhang: Ching-chong.