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The Chinese Are Coming! The Chinese Are Coming! (Only It’s Not How You Think)
Holy shit, the Chinese are coming. But it’s not how you think. They’re not coming to take over a depressed, podunk American town and fight an insurgency of armed high school jocks. They’re not coming to buy up all of our real estate, convert the dollar to renminbi, or force us all to speak Mandarin (I mean, hello? This is America, where most people only speak American, so good luck with that). They are coming to America in record numbers as tourists, but that’s only a temporary phenomenon and, quite frankly, we could use the dough.
According to Google CEO, Eric Schmidt, the Chinese are coming…to take over the Internet. In a talk given at last week’s Gartner Symposium, Schmidt predicted that the internet in 5 years would be dominated by Chinese-language content.
For those who are “extremely terrified of Chinese people” and can only speak American, take heart. The scarier news that Schmidt delivered?
Today’s teenagers are the model for how the web will work in five years. You know, the same teenagers who we always hear are getting dumber. Schmidt’s exact words:
Talk to a teenager about the way they consume information, and remember that five or ten years from now, that’s your employee. It’s a little frightening, by the way.
A little frightening?!
Building my bunker now…
[ReadWriteWeb: Google's Eric Schmidt on What the Web Will Look Like in 5 Years]
Filed under: Google, Google CEO Eric Schmidt, I Am Extremely Terrified of Chinese People, Predictions, Red Dawn, Teenagers, Teenagers Getting Dumber, The Chinese Are Coming, The Internet in Five Years, We're Taking Over Everything, Yellow Peril
An Open Letter to Our Asian Homies
Dear Homies,
Not to sound like your Hardass Asian Parents, but we’re really disappointed in you. Okay, correction. We’re really disappointed in us. Last week, the AP reported, much to our alarm, that the Asian-American population has slowed unexpectedly (the Latino population, too). What that means, friends, is that our children will not be making round-eye jokes on the playground (“Why are your eyes so big? Can you actually see out of them?”) or bullying white kids for sucking at math and the violin and for not wearing thick glasses or because their houses smell “funny” (i.e. not like soy sauce, funky herbs, and Tiger Balm), and it will still not be cool to be smart in the year 2023, as projected. And dude, that blows. There’s no way we’re going to take over everything if our numbers keep shrinking! So let’s stop fuckin’ around here, people, and start fuckin’ without condoms, okay?*
with abject concern,
DISGRASIAN
*DISCLAIMER: This advice should not be heeded by teenagers, students with outstanding college loans and no job prospects, hipsters, hipster grifters, assholes, drips, people lacking in charisma, dumb people, lovers of emo, children-haters, people lacking “indoor voices,” Michelle Malkin, or mimes.
[AP: Growth of Hispanic, Asian Population Slows Unexpectedly, Census Reports]
Filed under: Asian-American Population Shrinking, Bullying, Fear of a Yellow Planet, Hardass Asian Parents, Latino Population Shrinking, Reverse Racism, Round Eye Jokes, We're Taking Over Everything
Kaling-y Chicks
Intern Jasmine frequently reminds us here at DISGRASIAN HQ that writer/actress Mindy Kaling is a comedic fuckin’ genius. That’s all well and good–Asians love a genius!
But it was only today, after reading about Kaling’s freshly inked overall deal with NBC, via the Peacock and Universal Media Studios (Asians especially love a successful genius), that we realized just how much we have in common with the funnywoman.
Kaling spilled the details of her mission to Variety, saying:
“This is my first step in a Transformers-style way to take over the whole world.”
WORLD DOMINASIAN? Now that’s something we understand. Jasmine’s right: Mindy Kaling, you are most definitely our kind of woman.
[Variety: Mindy Kaling Cues NBC Deal]
Filed under: Funny Ladies, Intern Jasmine, Mindy Kaling, NBC, Overall Deals, Peacock and Universal Media Studios, Variety, We're Taking Over Everything, World Dominasian
First Ever Michelasian Guide
This month, Michelin released its first ever restaurant guide of Tokyo (and its first in Asia). Unlike other Michelin guides, every restaurant and hotel reviewed in Michelin Tokyo was awarded stars (on a scale of 1 to 3). Now Tokyo has 191 stars, the most in the world.
Out of the 150 restaurants given stars, almost one-third of them are French (44, to be exact). If you’ve ever visited Tokyo, you know how easy it is to get a crusty baguette or a killer croissant, the likes of which you could only find elsewhere in France. Looks like the Japanese are out-Frenching the French.
Which means…we’re taking over everything. Yaysian!
If you think Michelin is synonymous with tires, read this.
Source
Thanks Jim!
Filed under: Good Eats, Michelin Guide, Out-Frenching the French, Tokyo, We're Taking Over Everything
We’re Taking Over Everything
Korean-born Jeannie Cho Lee is a dissertation away from becoming Asia’s first Master of Wine, a distinction only 265 people in the world have obtained. Reuters reported that the “Master of Wine has been likened to a PhD”–so really, it was only a matter of time before one of us got one. The Oxford-educated Lee, a mother of four, is particularly exceptional because she does not work in the wine industry and all of this began as a “hobby.”
Which is great news for Diana and me, since we fancy ourselves wine hobbyists, too! Oenophiles, in fact, which I believe is Greek for winos.
Filed under: Drunkards, Hey Are You Gonna Drink That?, I'll Take Winos Over Whiners Any Day, Jeannie Cho Lee, Masters of Wine, Oenophiles, We're Taking Over Everything
SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Booyao!
“Psst. Whatcha puttin’ in those Wheaties?”
Houston Rockets center Yao Ming was named Western Conference Playa of the Week yesterday after averaging 27.8 points, 10.5 rebounds, and 2.8 blocks two weeks into the season. This acknowledgment was the perfect capper to last Saturday’s highly-touted Yao-Yi showdown, where Yao and his Rockets won 104-88.
The most impressive numbers from that game didn’t come from the Chinese ballers, however. Chinese sports commentators estimate that the match–dubbed “The Super Bowl” by China Daily–drew 100 to 200 million viewers in their home country, causing NBA evil mastermind commish David Stern to splooge all over his suit pants and have a fantastic weekend.
David Stern’s “O” faceFiled under: "O" Faces, David Stern, Ka-Ching Chong is the new English, Splooging In Your Pants, We're Taking Over Everything, Yao Ming, Yi Jianlian
We Rule
My friend Greenie, a diehard New Yorker and joke savant–if you ever need a script “punched up” as they say or a food recommendation in his favorite city–he’s your man. He sent me this tip from the New York Post this morning about the Forbes’ Top Ten Most Powerful Women on the planet:
POprah didn’t even crack the top ten, and you know we’re all going be tithing 10% of our earnings to her in 10 years, because that bitch is more powerful than God. But, dude, Chi Wu, Ching Ho, Indra Nooyi, and Sonia Gandhi? That’s 40 percent of the Top Ten, y’all.
We kick ass! We rule!
And, as Greenie wrote in his email, “Let’s hear those dry cleaners jokes NOW, suckas!”
(Thanks G!)
Filed under: Asian Ladies Can Kick Your Ass--Believe Us, Chi Wu, Ching Ho, Indra Nooyi, Of Course We're In the Top Ten, Sonia Gandhi, Take That, We're Taking Over Everything
REGGAE OF ASIAN
Korean reggae artist Cho Sung-jin, aka Skull, has released a single “Boom Di Boom Di” that’s made it to #5 on the Billboard Hot R&B/Hiphop Singles Sales charts.
Skull is managed by Morgan Carey, Mariah’s brother, so there are already rumors of a future collaboration between Skull and Mimi.
Go to Skull’s myspace page to have a listen. He’s pretty easy on the eyes, too.
Filed under: Boom Di Boom Di, Mariah Carey, Rastafarasians, Reggaesian, Skull, We're Taking Over Everything
Standing Ovasian
Seattle Mariners’ superstud Ichiro Suzuki made history on Tuesday, hitting the first ever inside-the-park home run at an All-Star Game. He was later awarded the All-Star MVP by a very awkward, very dermatologically-pumped up Jeanne Zelasko.
Congratulasians, Ichiro! You rule.
Filed under: All-Stars, Ichiro Suzuki, Longball, Making History, Studs, We're Taking Over Everything
Ka-Ching-Chong Is Declared the Official Language of the New York Yankees
Last Friday, the New York Yankees formally introduced their two 19 year-old, Chinese prospects, pitcher Kai Lu and catcher Zhenwang Zhang, to the media. Yankees General Manager Brian Ca$hman was also present at the press conference.
Kai Lu: Ching-chong ching-chong.
Zhenwang Zhang: Ching-chong.
Ca$hman: Ka-Ching-Chong!
Filed under: Ka-Ching Chong is the new English, Kai Lu, New York Yankees, Prospects, We're Taking Over Everything, Zhenwang Zhang
SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: The New York Yankees Speak Fluent Ka-Ching-Chong
Yesterday, the New York Yankees announced the signing of two Chinese prospects to minor league contracts. Left-handed pitcher Kai Lu and catcher Zhenwang Zhang, both 19, are the latest players to join the Evil Empire, and the first mainlanders to be inked by MLB. The league’s official website reported:
“This is an exciting opportunity for us to integrate Chinese players into the organization,” said general manager Brian Cashman. “We believe that this is the start of something we can develop further as we work toward our commitment to help grow the game of baseball in China.”
Well played, Yankees. These signings officially make you the most Asian team in baseball. Not only because you’ve got Matsui, Wang, Igawa, and these two 19 year-olds, but because your relentless pursuit of the Number One spot–in your division, record books, revenues, payroll, and now, in China–makes you unmistakably one of us. It’s as though you guys want to be Valedictorian of the Universe. Normally, I would grant you Honorasian status based on that drive alone, but then I remembered that you’re the Yankees, and I hate you, so…good fuckin’ luck.
Filed under: Evil Empires, Ka-Ching Chong is the new English, New York Yankees, We're Taking Over Everything, Wow-That Hating Break Was Brief
We Love to Be The Best
Did you know that there’s a world championship…of pole dancing? I had no idea. The 2005 world champ, Reiko Suemune, is Japanese–overachieving even in skanky professions!–and was recently snapped at her Tokyo pole dance studio, Luxurica, doing some crazy-ass moves.
Pole-dancing with a gigantic belt on! Top that, bitch!The hard-hitting Reuters news story accompanying this photo was that pole-dancing is gaining popularity in Japan as a form of exercise. Please please help Reuters get the word out on this. The world needs to know!!!
Filed under: Grease That Pole, Let's Get Physical, Pole Dancing, Reiko Suemune, We're Taking Over Everything, Weird American Behavior Adopted by the Japanese
