DISGRASIAN™

Kobayashi Who?!?

Joey Chestnut scarfed 68 hot dogs this weekend to set a new world record for hot dog eating during Nathan’s annual contest at Coney Island. His opponent and archrival also ate many dogs, but sadly, has lost this competition three years in a row–so, like my mom would and his parents probably have, I’ve already forgotten his name.

[Seattle Times: 68 Hot Dogs In 10 Minutes: American Joey Chestnut Wins Hot-Dog Eating Contest]

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Filed under: 4th of July, Coney Island, Dubious Achievements, Hot Dogs, Joey Chestnut, Losing is for Losers, Nathan's, Takeru Kobayashi, Weiners and Losers, Weird Contests, World Records

Boob Ram

“Don’t Ram the Boobs” seems like a game that my boyfriend would invent after a night of Tecate, spicy pizza, medicinal pot, Cazadores, White Castle burgers, a round of Trivial Pursuit, three pot cookies, two quesadillas, Modelo Especial, a few rounds of “How Hard Can You Squeeze a Raw Agg Before It Cracks and Splatters Everywhere?”, a 32oz. of Miller High Life, one more pot cookie, an around-the-room test of “Who Can Eat a Tablespoon of Cinnamon?”, a plate of Thai larb salad, and three bottles of Pellegrino.

I can just imagine coming home to a very rudimentary setup of “DRTB” accompanied by the words, “But honey! All you have to do is wear this bikini and STAND THERE!”

Sounds pretty fun. And let’s be honest. I’m my mom’s flat-chested progeny, and I’m not getting fakies anytime soon–which could give the dude and his fellow contestants quite the handicap. I’m IN.

[via Break.com]

Thanks, Thomas!

Filed under: Bad Nights, Boobs, Booze Rules, Boyfriends, Don't Ram the Boobs, Fake Tits, Pot, Weed, Weird Contests, Weird Japanese Behavior, Weird Japanese Game Shows

Satay-sfaction

After being shamed by hot dog-scarfing jackoff Joey Chestnut at Nathan’s annual hot dog eating contest two years in a row (which accounts for twice too many times), Takeru Kobayashi has finally gotten his revenge…

…by housing 385 sticks of satay in yesterday’s Singaporean Major League eating competition, a brilliant effort that helped him quash Chestnut (who only downed about, y’know, 292)!!

Congratulations, Kobayashi! You’re back in the winning pool. And a lesson to Chestnut: Don’t try to beat The Golden People on our own territory. Didn’t you learn anything from the Vietnam War?

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Filed under: Dubious Achievements, I Can't Stomach Much More of This, Joey Chestnut, Ongoing Rivalries, Satay is Delicious, Takeru Kobayashi, The Vietnam War, Weird Contests

Doggammit!

We’d kinda assumed that six-time winner Takeru Kobayashi’s dismal loss to Corey Chestnut in last year’s Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest was a fluke.

In our collective imaginasian, Kobayashi walked away from that humiliating loss with a Batman-like commitment: to do everything he could, even if it meant killing himself trying, to make his next contest a victorious one. Not one to settle for #2 twice, he surely ran-not-walked directly home and checked himself into an intense 364-day training camp: 25-dog Tuesdays (for speed training), 75-dog Wednesdays (for endurance), soy-dog Wednesdays (for variety), three hours of morning stomach stretches, 32,000 calories-worth of daily cardio, evening shove-and-swallow drills, and a nightly regimen of anti-cholesterol pills. He didn’t talk to friends or family in all of that time. He barely saw daylight and spent his free time in a dark retreat, decorated only with abstract art depictions of hot dogs, buns, and condiments.

The newly-improved Kobayashi that would step on the stage on July 4, 2008–a year later, a world wiser–would be a changed man, a superman possibly, one whose stomach was more flexible than a Romanian gymnast and jaw looser than a sorority girl in San Diego.

KOBAYASHI WOULD NOT LOSE AGAIN. KOBAYASHI WOULD PROVE TO THE WORLD THAT HE WAS, IS, AND ALWAYS SHALL BE A WEINER WINNER.

But, every once in a rare while, we’re not right about these things–Kobayashi lost the battle for the second year in a row (to his credit, he did so in a five-dog OT). He did not, as we had hoped, “crush Joey’s chestnuts”… but he tried his hardest. He tried his fucking hardest and we truly, truly believe that.

Unfortunately, we’re Asian, and don’t give two shits about “trying.” We’re totally ashamed of him and think he’s a LOSER!

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Filed under: Dubious Achievements, Everybody Loves a Winner, Give It Up, Hot Dogs, Joey Chestnut, Losers, Sorority Girls, Takeru Kobayashi, There is No Try, Weird Contests

Just Cuz It’s Chinese, Don’t Mean It’s Pretty

JEN: Hey, did you hear about the World’s Ugliest Dog contest? It happened over the weekend.

DIANA: Who would enter their dog in that contest? That’s so mean.

JEN: Right? I mean, what’s the point of having a dog if you don’t think it’s the shit in every way?

DIANA: I heard the dog who won was a Chinese-crested or something.

JEN: What’s a Chinese-crested? How can something Chinese be ugly? I have a hard time believing that.

DIANA: I bet you do. That’s why I hate showing you this…

Gus, the World’s Ugliest Dog

JEN: Holy key-rap, that dog is heinous.

DIANA: It’s butt, dude. So butt.

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Filed under: Chinese-Crested, Dubious Distinctions, Gus, The World's Ugliest Dog, Ugly Dogs, Weird American Behavior, Weird Contests