DISGRASIAN™

10 Reasons Not To Get Plastic Surgery To Look Like Jessica Alba (And One Reason To Do It)

A 21 year-old girl in China is getting plastic surgery to look like Jessica Alba.

Now Jess is really, really hot. Damn near perfect, if there is such a thing. Worse, she’s only better in person.


But why would anyone want to look like some actress instead of like themselves?

Why, for love.

You see, Xiaoqing (future patient) was dating some cheesedick for a year and a half that was so obsessed with Alba that it consumed him entirely (read: he is a freakish stalker gnome), and eventually she had to bail. Post facto, instead bejeezus that she got away from that sick, sad, reality-challenged nerdbomber, Xiaoqing began to regret the split and brainstormed ways to get him back. The result of all that thinking was the choice to alter her appearance and become, as Erasure may have put it, Alba-esque.

Continue reading 10 Reasons Not To Get Plastic Surgery To Look Like Jessica Alba (And One Reason To Do It)

Filed under: Actresses, Awful, Chinese Woman Plastic Surgery To Look Like Jessica Alba, Donasians That Suck, Douchebags, Everyone Involved Has Major Issues, Exes Suck, Fantastic Four, Ick, Jessica Alba, Movie Stars, Nerd Crushes, Obsessions, Plastic Surgery, Sad, Self-Esteem, Weird Chinese Behavior

One Finger That Makes Quite A Bang

I know I’m really late to the game in finding out about this, but I just read that a 32-year old Chinese martial arts master named Fu Bingli scooped a Guinness world record late last year for doing 12 pushups with one finger.


From the Telegraph:

“I’ve been training since I was seven years old and my index finger has as much strength in it as most people’s entire body,” said Fu of Lianyungang, eastern China.

I read that quote and immediately was like, whoa. Not to get all gross or anything, but my pervy little mind was instantly consumed with questions: What else could ya do with a finger like that? And with what intensity? And uh, how soon??!?!?

But then I realized that his finger looks like this:

Continue reading One Finger That Makes Quite A Bang

Filed under: China, Fu Bingli, Guinness Book of World Records, Index Finger, Martial Artists, Weird Chinese Behavior, World's Strongest Fingers

Pretty Spitty

Some dude on “China’s eBay,” Taobao.com, was apparently banned from selling his product: a tonic composed of saliva taken from pretty girls, after complaints from Taobao users caught the attention of the site’s higher-ups.

Listen, we don’t have any issues with pretty girls (um, my caveat list for the preceding statement is too long to include here), but c’mon, creepos, spit is fucking disgweesting. We don’t want a drop of it landing on our nose when somebody’s talking to us, a big wad of it on the ground when we walk through the park, or a gloopy mess of it in our entree because our dinner mate insulted our waitress. Fuck spit. Fuck it.

But that isn’t what bothers us so much. The thought of somebody ordering a bottle of that bodily ick, paying the shipping and handling, sending over the PayPal amount, anxiously waiting days by the mailbox for the package to arrive, and then opening that package OF SPIT… that makes us sad.

Like, really, really, really, really sad.

Thank bejeezus nobody bought one.

[via Lemondrop]

Thanks, Cecil!

Filed under: Bodily Fluids, Creepy Tingles, disgusting, Ebay, Eww, Gross, Ick, Online Auction, Pretty Girls, Saliva, Spit, Taobao, Weird Chinese Behavior

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Lai Jiansheng, aka The Bridge Pusher

There was some discussion at DISGRASIAN HQ this week over the actions of the Bridge Pusher, the dude in Guangdong province who pushed a suicidal man from a bridge (onto a partially-inflated, emergency air cushion).

The entire incident was captured on video:

Yes, the suicidal man, Chen Fuchao, who became despondent when he fell into heavy debt, survived with minor injuries. Sure, he had been holding up traffic for five hours. Maybe, you could even argue that the Bridge Pusher, Lai Jiansheng, 66, was simply getting shit done, shit that the police would’ve eventually done themselves.

But what the Bridge Pusher told Xinhua after the incident puts it in a far more chilling context:

“I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their action violates a lot of public interest,” Lai said. “They do not really dare to kill themselves.“

Does it sound to you like Lai kinda wanted the suicidal guy to off himself? And that he thought Chen was a pussy for not going through with it? What, we wonder, would have happened if Chen had been contemplating suicide on some bridge in the middle of nowhere, and Lai just happened to walk by? Would he have “dared” him to hurry up and kill himself already? We shudder to think.

[AP: Suicidal man in China gets push off bridge after blocking traffic for hours, survives]

Filed under: Chen Fuchao, China Bridge Pusher, Evil Samaritans, Lai Jiansheng, Suicidal Bridge Jumper Pushed, Suicide, Weird Chinese Behavior

File Under: Other Cuts

This week, the UK’s Metro featured this photo of Wang Xiaoyu, a barber from Changsha, in China’s Hunan Province. A nearly two-decade veteran of martial arts training, Wang is apparently attempting to attract more customers by doing haircuts while in a headstand.

We do not envy the head rush he’ll experience when he shows her the back

Err… we don’t exactly see the allure, but maybe he gives a helluva bang trim.

[via DListed]
[Metro: I Could Do This Standing On My Head]

Source

Filed under: Bang Trims, Does This Really Attract More Customers?, Headstands, Martial Arts, Never Getting a Cut from This Dude, Upside-Down Hairdresser, Weird Chinese Behavior

That Chinese Sperm Bank Photo: You’ve Been Shanghaied

I saw this NSFW photo on BuzzFeed yesterday, allegedly taken at a Shanghai sperm bank:

…and my immediate train of thought was, Yick Yuck What the Fuck Their Sperm Works but Their Hands Don’t Being a Woman Blows. And then that quivery Kate Bush song, “This Woman’s Work,” came on in my head, and I was pissed.

But I conducted a little investigasian today and found that this picture first surfaced on the interwebz in late 2008, and it was immediately dismissed as a hoax by officials at Renji Hospital in Shanghai, where the sperm bank is located. So why, then, does this meme still persist? A coupla theories:

1. Because the world needs more Asian massage parlor jokes
2. Because everything in China is wack and fucked-up and backwards, unlike in the West
3. Because Asians are inscrutable, as are their customs

The only good to cum (yuk yuk, me so funny) out of this photo is that I’m no longer outraged, I’m just bored.

Source

Filed under: Chinese Sperm Bank Photo Hoax, Handjobs, Inscrutable, Lies, Massage Parlor Jokes, Memes, Shanghai Sperm Bank Photo Hoax, Viral Internet Trends, Weird Chinese Behavior, WTF?

Chinese Centenarasian Wants to Finally Tie the Knot

A 107 year-old woman in China who has never married announced recently that she now wants to tie the knot, ideally with a fellow centenarian. Wang Guiying told the Chongqing Commercial Times that she was frightened of getting married when she was younger, because she always saw her uncles and other men go all Ike Turner on their wives. She lived on her own and worked as a farmer until she was 74 and too weak to work in the fields, at which point she went to live with a nephew. But that arrangement has become less and less ideal.

“My nephews and nieces are getting older and their children are already tied up with their own families and I am becoming more and more of a burden,” she said.

Hmm. Sounds less hopelessly romantic than totally guilt-trippy. We wouldn’t exactly call public shaming the best man-trap, and normally we’d say a marriage with such a Hardass Asian Biddy is doomed, but something tells us that union, if it ever happens, isn’t going to last, um, that long anyway.

(I KNOW. WE’RE EVIL.)

Source

Filed under: Biddies, Centenarians, Dirty Old Ladies, Guilt Trips, Marriage, Nuptials, Public Shaming, Wang Guiying, Weird Chinese Behavior

A Case of Mistasian Pomerasian Identity

When I first read about the Chinese man who mistook his pet Arctic fox–a rare, protected species–for a Pomeranian, I was like, Whaaaa?! But then I saw a picture of Mr. Zhang, the confused pet owner, and I had SO MANY MORE QUESTIONS.

Is the color super-saturated in this photo, or did that fox, who would frequently bite his owner, make steak tartare out of Zhang’s face? Or are those horrible burns? Wicked bad rosacea? Why is Zhang wearing lipstick? Is this what happens to people after something terrible happens to them, like getting their face chewed off by a dog-fox or surviving a fire, that they become incapable of distinguishing between animal species and knowing what’s what in the universe?

So many questions.

[via BuzzFeed]

Source

Filed under: Arctic Fox, Confusion, Fox Pomeranian, Mistasian Identity, Weird Chinese Behavior, What Gives?, Zhang Pomeranian Owner Arctic Fox

File Under Weird Chinese Behavior

Saddam lives! And he likes his chicken wings spicy!

A Shenyang, China restaurant uses Saddam’s mug to hock their food, because there’s nothing like the image of a dead despised dictator to whet the appetite.

Yummmmmm!

[via BuzzFeed]

Filed under: Dickheads, Dicktators, Huh?, Saddam Chinese Chicken Wings, Saddam Hussein, Spicy Stuff, Weird Chinese Behavior

Product Plasian

Sure, it’s probably a not a great idea to plant the smoking seed early by allowing a cigarette company to sponsor young students’ school uniforms…

…but hey, cigarettes are fuckin’ cool, right? So these kids, decorated with Marlboro logos, look totally muthafuzzin’ COOL!

And as everybody knows, that’s what’s really important.

Source
Thanks, Jasmine!

Filed under: Being Cool, Cigarettes and School Go Together Like Ramma Lamma Lamma Lamma Ka Dinga Da Dinga Dong, Marlboros, Thank You For Smoking, Uniforms, Weird Chinese Behavior

Earthquasian

Bai Ling’s earthshattering dancing

In case you live under a rock–we had an earthquake in Southern California this morning that registered 5.4 on the Richter scale. It sent Diana scrambling under her desk at work and me running out to the front yard with my two dogs. It was there that I took stock of what I was wearing–a baggy t-shirt, boxers, and Birkenstocks–and reminded myself that I need to start making more of an effort working from home because one of these days The Big One will happen and I’ll literally be caught with my pants down. While most people I know were freaked by the whole thing, Bai Ling (via her blog) had a slightly different take:

…the earth heard me and is helping me to show the Russian lady and the Russian man that I can make the floor dance, so wired when I stepped on the floor and waved with the earth like a tangle almost waved to the window, maybe it is my dance made the earth happy or mad? The Earth started to shake his ass to show me he is better? And maybe was a way of giving me a worning or celebrate with me as we all are just had a teqeila and drunk? I know there is this little wild spirit in side earth she is just like me wear a short mini skirt and like to surprise people and light a fire.

“(M)aybe it is my dance made the earth happy or mad”???

Well, we’ve seen Bai Ling dance…so, maybe. Just maybe.

Source
Thanks, Jasmine!

Filed under: Bai Ling, Blame It on Bai, Crazians, Earthquakes, L.A., Overestimation of Self, Personal Responsibility, So You Think You Can Dance?, Weird Chinese Behavior

File Under Weird Chinese Behavior

Wei Shengchu, world record holder in the Guinness Book for acupuncturing himself with 1,790 needles, shows his Olympic pride by wearing 205 needles, one for each country represented at the Games. For the Opening Ceremony, Wei plans to break his record by inserting 2,008 needles in his head.

Source

Filed under: Acupuncture, Attention Whores, Nice Sunglasses, Pin Cushions, the Olympics, Wei Shengchu, Weird Chinese Behavior, World Records