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Every news outlet is talking about how Michelle Obama violated protocol Wednesday by–horrors!–touching Queen Elizabeth on the shoulder, thereby assuming familiarity and–horrors!–parity, but not enough people are talking about what the Queen’s husband, Prince Philip, said to President Obama when the two couples met for the first time.
After Obama detailed who he had met with that day, saying, “I had breakfast with the Prime Minister, I had meetings with the Chinese, the Russians, David Cameron… And I’m proud to say I did not nod off in one of the meetings,” Prince Philip dusted off the funny.
“Can you tell the difference between them?” he said, laughing.
Speaking of making an ass out of u and me, I’m assuming that Prince Philip is not talking about being able to tell the difference between the Chinese, the Russians, and the leader of the Conservative Party in England. And that Philip, who in 1986 jokingly warned British students in China, “If you stay here much longer you’ll all be slitty-eyed,” thought he was being humourous with a “u.” I’m assuming that this is where his grandson Prince Harry gets his cultural sensitivity and ideas of “protocol,” and I’m also assuming that Prince Philip is a royal doucherag.
CAMILLA: Charles, dear, who is that gentleman standing next to us in the bathrobe?
CHARLES: You know, dahling, I have absolutely no idear.
CAMILLA: Should we invite him to stand closer for the picture?
CHARLES: No, pet. We’re royals. Also, it’s my understanding that the Japanese have a thing about personal space. Hence all the bowing and whatnot.
CAMILLA: Thank goodness we’re not in another huggy country. Can someone explain to me the obsession with hugging? I find it quite undignified.
CAMILLA: I do like this odd man’s “man-purse,” however. Do you suppose it’s Comme des Garcons?
CHARLES: “Man-purse”? My dahling, I have not the faintest idear–
CAMILLA: (exasperated) That messenger bag he’s wearing. The one with the polka dots.
CHARLES: Ah, yes, right. It’s just, when you said the words “man-purse,” I thought you were talking about, erhm, you know.
CAMILLA: I’m terribly sorry, love, but I have simply not a clue as to what you’re implying.
CHARLES: Well. It’s one of my many pet names for your, erhm, you know…your woohoo.
CAMILLA: Oooooooh! My man-purse. Charles! Really.
CHARLES: You know, where you keep your, erhm, Tampax. And, dare I say, some of my things.
CAMILLA: Dear, I believe you mean “thing.” Your thing. Your thick, juicy–
JAPANESE GUY IN “BATHROBE”: Please for the love of Buddha, somebody take the picture. I just threw up in my mouth and I might kill myself if I listen to any more of this.
The things people do. I swear, some distant Chinese ancestor–who realized how convenient it could be to grab at things with two small sticks–is rolling over and over and over in his grave right now.
So much jelly.