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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! This Wack “How To Be Asian” Tutorial

August 12th, 2011 | 8 comments | Posted by Jen

Here’s a video on “How To Be Asian” by some chick named Nicole. It’s supposed to be funny or something? Apparently it’s an inside joke and part of an ongoing schtick of Nicole’s that involves putting shit on her face to become another race (black, usually) and maybe being self-satirizing about it but also maybe just being lazy and racist.

Taped eyes? Yellowface? Ching chong? Yawn.

The real tip on “How To Be Asian” that’s missing from the vid? If you want to be Asian, rule number one is Don’t Suck. I don’t know if this video was supposed to make me laugh or give me an outrage boner but neither happened. It just kinda hung there like a stale fart waiting to be collected in a glass jar and ushered out of the room so the rest of us could carry on. It was meh, it was mediocre. Mediocrity, of course, is failure, and failure isn’t Asian.

[LA Weekly: How to Become Asian: Alexandra Wallace Wannabe Takes Video Racism to New Low]

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RIP David Carradine

June 4th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

David Carradine, 73, who was best known for his work in the 70′s TV show Kung Fu and the Kill Bill movies, was found dead Thursday in a hotel room in Bangkok, from an apparent suicide.


Kung Fu (1972-1975) centered around Carradine’s justice-seeking character, Kwai Chang Caine, aka “Grasshopper,” a half-white, half-Chinese orphan raised by Shaolin monks. During that time–and long after in syndication–Carradine seemed to be the only Asian star on TV. That’s no joke. It was a joke, of course, that Carradine was white, but his character was kinda all Asian people had to root for, for a while.

Carradine, who had no knowledge of martial arts before the show, became a lifelong practitioner of Tai Chi and Qi Gong.

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Copycat Jindal

April 13th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Bobby Jindal is writing a book!

He’s reached an agreement with Regnery Publishing, which has published the works of Newt Gingrich, Chuck Norris, and Ann Coulter, to write a book that mixes, according to Jindal, “lessons I’ve learned throughout my life” and policy issues. The book is slated for release in 2010, a year before Louisiana’s gubernatorial election.


Jindal was going to title the book, Dreams from My Father, until he was told that that title had already been taken. The Louisiana governor is currently trying to decide between Hey! I’m Brown and the Child of Immigrants, Too! and Piyush Jindal Is Also a Funny Name and If You Squint Really Hard at the TV and Cover Your Ears, You Just Might Mistake Me for You-Know-Who (Although Probably Not).

Thanks, Jasmine!

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Skanks Gotta Stick Together

October 10th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


The Pussycat Dolls’ Nicole Scherzinger said this week that she’d welcome Sarah Palin into her group if the Republican ticket fails in November.

“She seems like a headstrong woman, a tough chick. And she’s hot,” Scherzinger said.

And we can’t think of a better use of Palin’s talents! Especially after the last few weeks, when the VP-wannabe has demonstrated all too well that she can get down and dirty. Plus, Palin is hot, and we think she’d look smoking in a latex dress, despite her aversion to rubbers.

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I Am 14 Going On 16, Innocent and Naive

July 28th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Chinese gymnast He Kexin


Thanks in large part to our Hardass Parents, Asians looove a headstart. I was potty-trained and walking at 11 months and talking in complete sentences by age 2 (I also, apparently, had a serious boyfriend in preschool); I learned to add and subtract at 3 and picked up geometry and algebra around 8 or 9. I thought I was pretty hot shit in the child development-department until I met Diana, who learned to read at 2, started kindergarten at 3, graduated high school at 16, and had a real job by age 20. (Bitch!)

I was reminded of the value Asians place on precociousness when I read today that two female Chinese gymnasts may be too young to compete in the Olympics (the minimum age is 16). Chinese officials were quick to say that the gymnasts, He Kexin and Jiang Yuyuan, are both 16, despite online records that list their age as 14. Even more curious is the fact that China’s government-run newspaper, the China Daily, ran a story in May heralding the arrival of “14-year-old newcomer” He Kexin, a gold medal favorite in the uneven bars.

But it was only after reading He’s Wikipedia page, which says that the eensy-beensy gymnast:

  • Has already won two World Cup titles on the uneven bars this year
  • Is “one of the few gymnasts in the world to score over 17.00 under the current Code of Points”
  • Has one of the highest difficulty scores in the world in the uneven bars

…that I started to wonder. Given that most gymnasts are considered “old” at 18 and younger girls tend to compete better and do the most outrageous tricks because they have no sense of failure or mortality (Nadia Comaneci was 14 when she scored the first perfect 10 at the ’76 Games), I gotta think that THOSE GIRLS ARE SO TOTALLY NOT 16. At some point, the ambivalence creeps in, you don’t think you’re such hot shit anymore, and, of course, you want to get laid. Maybe that explains why I was better at geometry at 8 than I was at 14?

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Magibutt

June 26th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Remember Magibon, the YouTube sensasian who started a whole genre of whatthefuckery on the web by smiling and staring into a camera?

When we last wrote about her, we wondered why she was so tight-lipped. Our theory was that she had just thrown up in her mouth. We were close:

Magibon Does Japan


DENTAL DISGRASIAN ALERT!!! Except, of course, homegirl’s not really Asian.

But given the fact that Magibon is practically mute, obsessed with cute, and has made a career out of soliciting herself to internet pervs…she might as well be.

Yaysian?

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Less Is Moe: Practically Part Two

December 11th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

We’d like to extend a formal apology to Moe Tkacik of Jezebel.com, who, after reading that she had been named DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK, wrote on her site:

I was saddened to find that I had been named a “Disgrasian” recently on some blog that looks out for the interests of Asians. They took issue with the fact that I said I “practically am Asian.” Duuuuuude, I would never sincerely claim to be “practically Asian.” I mean, how would I ever get my kid into a decent college that way???? Kidding!

Duuuuuude, we’re soooooo sorry, Moe. There’s clearly been a communication breakdown between us, probably due to the language barrier. When we called you “disgrasian,” we thought you’d notice that there’s “Asian” in the word, which is, like, practically “practically Asian.”

So there was really no need to follow that with all this:

I was a Guailo, and thanks to its shameful legacy of colonialism most Hong Kongers speak passable English so, like, no way was I running around that shit trying to learn Cantonese and every one of its NINE motherfucking tones. Thanks to Mao’s shameful legacy of totalitarianism everyone in China and Hong Kong soon too sort of has to speak Mandarin, so that is the language I went around butchering for most of the nine years total I spent living there.

It is soooooo cuuuuuute when you say things like “shameful legacy of colonialism” and “Mao’s shameful legacy of totalitarianism.” We soooooo appreciate the edumucation on such historicistical things, since we know nothing about them, despite the fact that both sides of Jen’s family fought the Japanese colonials in China, then they were either chased out of their own country or put into labor camps and tortured for fun because of Mao’s totalitarianism, and Diana’s dad grew up without a father because of Vietnam’s shameful legacy of both colonialism and communist totalitarianism clusterfucking at the same time. So thank you, thank you for opening our eyes (heehee, we made a rice joke) to, like, this fer serious stuff.

We also empathize with your struggle to assimilate in America:


…funnily enough, when I came back to an American high school, I’d spent so much time there some of my classmates actually did think I was Chinese…sometimes I am going to piss some of you off but really in the end I win because they’re paying me by the pageview anyway and pretty soon I’ll be outsourcing this shit to India…

People in our high schools thought we were Chinese, too! That’s key-razy! We have so much in common. And once you outsource your shit to India, we guess that’ll make you Indian, too! Cooooool! We’re so jealous!!!

Ya see, Moe, this was all a big misunderstanding. You have totally proven that you are practically Asian, though if you were, in fact, Asian, you would know that our shameful legacy of perfectionism kinda negates the meaning of the word “practically”; that’s like saying one is practically smart or practically good-looking or practically successful. Kidding!!! But we soooooo appreciate that you have a blog that looks out for the interests of, um…well, we’ll have to think about that one and get back to you.

sincerely with our heads bowed in shame,
“Some Blog that Looks out for the Interests of Asians”

Read all of the sweet things Moe’s peanut gallery had to say about us here, and put more ka-ching in Moe’s chong!

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Less is Moe

November 16th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Last week, Moe Tkacik of Jezebel put up a cheeky little post asking, “Are Asian Fetishes a Myth? We’re Gonna Have to Go With ‘No’.” In it, Moe declared herself an expert on the subject of our peeps–”I practically am Asian”–by dropping the word “AZN” and the fact that she once spent two whole whoppin’ years living in Hong Kong.

Moe’s post set off a firestorm on the blogosphere with this statement:

…there are a few reasons some dudes prefer Asian women, and it starts with the fact that they are very rarely unattractive, and they are even more rarely stupid, and they are even more rarely than that fat. They have really nice skin and they’re not afraid to tell you yours looks bad.

…so much so, that she felt the need to followup with a second post, a sloppy-verging-on-P.C. apologia.

Thing is, Moe, Diana and I don’t really care that you pronounced us gorgeous, smart, glowing skinny bitches. We love compliments and, actually, couldn’t agree with you more!

But let’s get one thing straight. You ain’t almost Asian just cuz you know that the young folk use AZN to show their pride or cuz you spent two years in Hong Kong, most likely butchering the shit out of Cantonese and its eight muthafuzzing tones. You ain’t almost Asian cuz you said so or cuz you love rice or cuz you have a few gorgeous, smart, skinny Asian bitch friends.

What you are, sweetie, in your effort to step to us and speak for us, is DISGRASIAN. But look on the bright side. Being disgraced and shamed publicly is the first step toward understanding what it’s like to be one of us. So keep the dream alive, girl.

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Special thanks to DISGRASIAN’s first lieutenant, Jasmine!

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M.D. Stands for Major Douche

October 29th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Driving down the 5 Freeway the other week, my friends and I pulled up behind this shiny, new Lexus with vanity plates:

When we got close enough to read the license plate, I was STOKED. A Ninja M.D.? Holy shit. Did that mean the driver was a doctor to Ninjas–who I imagine have special injuries like stab wounds to the spleen that we mere mortals would never survive–or was the driver both a Ninja and a doctor, a scenario that could only be described as a Hardass Asian Parent’s wettest dreamiest wet dream?

I made my friend Matt, who was driving his pimped-out Cadillac, pull up alongside this mystery martial-arts healer. Was he/she in their black-as-night Ninja uniform? Was he/she steering that shiny, new Lexus without touching the wheel? Would he/she be invisible to us civilians?

“Ninja MD” turned out to be a man. He didn’t exactly look like a Ninja. He was Asian and middle-aged and I suspect, rockin’ out to the wicked vocal stylings of Josh Groban. And then it occurred to me that he might just be a doctor, but because he was Asian, he fancied himself a Ninja, too.

Then I just felt depressed.

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Who Is This Asian Chick?

May 7th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

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