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Thing That Make Me Throw Up in My Mouth: Competitive Eating

May 27th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Competitive eating is gross. And, by extension, so are competitive eaters. These are people who train to stretch the stomach muscle and choke back their own vomit, not to mention lethal amounts of foods that you could sort of see eating in large quantities (until you actually see it done) and foods that make you barf in your mouth just thinking of them, like beef tongue, cow brains, and mayonnaise. What drives a person to achieve that? Why in the world would you take the pleasure away from eating only to replace it with…a stopwatch? What does being the world champ of pounding cabbage, like, do for you? The whole thing is just weird.

I’m willing to rethink my position on this, however, because of one “gurgitator”–even that moniker makes me gag–who’s relatively new on the scene. Her name is Juliet Lee (pictured above and below, with Takeru Kobayashi), she’s only been competing since December 2006, and she scarfed down 23 DOZEN CLAMS in six minutes this past Memorial Day to set a new clam-eating world record (yes, there is such a thing).


Oh, and she’s FUCKING HOT. And I, like everybody else, am unfairly fascinated by gross stuff that hot chicks do (in that way, I’m a dude). She has the face of Michelle Yeoh and a hatefully-teensy waist–she weighs in at 105 lbs.–despite her, um, sport. I don’t even mind that she always seems to be wearing a midriff-baring top like some slutty tween girl who wants to be the first in line to bone a Jonas Brother. I’m sure I’d even find her farts charming.

And Juliet seems kinda normal. She has a college degree in geology from her native China, she owns a hair salon, and she has two adorable daughters. (She also lives in the same Maryland town as Michelle Malkin–love to see that eating contest go down.) Did I mention she’s 42 years old?! She could almost make me forget how demented her sport is, how grotesquely contorted competitive eaters’ faces get when they jam 10 hot dogs in their mouths at once, and how, you know, they eat their own puke. Almost.

[Juliet Lee website]

Thanks, Neal!

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ANTM’s Sheena Sakai: Bust-ed

September 11th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Sheena Sakai got busted for having fake TyTys last night on America’s Next Top Model. Paulina Porizkova asked her flat-out (so to speak) if her breasts were fake and Sheena said, “No, Ma’am,” which I imagine made the 43 year-old judge vomit in her pretty mouth because cool chicks married to rockers don’t cotton to being called “Ma’am.” (By the way, have you ever wondered what Paulina and Ric Ocasek talk about, like, over breakfast?) But Sheena had a change of heart and came forward again after all the girls had been addressed by the judges to, as she said, get something “off (her) chest” (around the 5:00 mark):

Which was an incredible set-up for Tyra to then have her Oprah moment and tell Sheena:

I knew your breasts were not real. But one thing that I feel is absolutely beautiful is that you stepped forward and you said, you know what, I’m gonna tell the truth.

And that’s when I vomited in my pretty mouth.

PREDICTION: After ANTM Cycle 11 is over, Tyra will have Sheena on The Tyra Banks Show for a Fake-Tits-Are-Baaaaaaaaaad story, we’ll go into the operating room with Sheena as she gets them taken out and Tyra holds her hand, telling her how “brave” she is, how beautiful she is on the inside and out, and how she’s a wonderful example to young girls everywhere.

*sighs and golf-claps*

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Magibarf

January 16th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Everyone and by that we mean pervs is talking about “magibon,” the latest YouTube sensasian. The wide-eyed, Japanese Margaret Keane doll doesn’t say anything in her videos, leaving viewers to speculate about their subtext. Me personally? I think girlfriend looks like she just vomited in her mouth and is doing her damnedest to swallow it:

UPDATE: Ahh. Now we know the real reason behind that tight-lipped smile.

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DISGRASIAN OF THE YEAR! Readers’ Choice

December 31st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Happy New Year all! Instead of us deciding who deserves the coveted mantle of DISGRASIAN of the Year, we thought we’d open that up to you, dear readers. Who did you think was the biggest disgrace to the race? Who sold out their peeps with the least amount of shame? To whom did you want to send hate mail? Who made you vomit in your mouth every time you logged onto the interweb and came across their grody visage? Below you’ll find a sampling of the contenders, followed by our DISGRASIAN of the Year exit poll. Now get crackin’, we’ve got some shampers to drink!









DISGRASIAN OF THE YEAR!

Who deserves the title of DISGRASIAN OF THE YEAR?

Shinzo Abe

Bastardly.com

Jackie Chan

Naomi Campbell

Bai Ling

Sanjaya Malakar

Michelle Malkin

Masi Oka

Gwen Stefani

Tila Tequila

View Results

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