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High Hopes For ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska’

November 15th, 2010 | 2 comments | Posted by Diana

Apple pie and a cross couldn't make this photo more American

Apparently, 5 million people watched the premiere of Sarah Palin’s 8-part reality series, her Alaska, last night.

I was one of them. Miraculously, I held down my vomit through every stinking minute of the TLC hour, mostly because I was hoping that Alaska’s former governor would get eaten by a bear (although I certainly would have settled for her falling off of a mountainside). She didn’t. But there are seven more episodes to go, so here’s hoping.

If you compare this pilot to other recent television hours, like Matt Lauer’s recent interview with the fact-slalom king, George W. Bush, then heck, the content wasn’t at all that infuriating. After all, one could maybe accept Alaska as simply a cloying, stagey, poorly-produced celebreality show (Really, Mark Burnett? You built how many scenes off of one blurred Joe McGinniss cutaway? Tsk!) along the lines of Keeping Up With The Kardashians (except the young, unmarried, unqualified new mom in this show isn’t old enough to drink yet). One could celebrate the soaring music cues, red-white-and-blue lower thirds and Christian-rock theme song of the show as just what the Middle American doctor ordered. One could argue that the vast mountain landscapes, endless skies, and extreme animal closeups legitimize this “travelogue,” excusing Palin’s thinly-if-at-all-veiled political rhetoric–sprinkled throughout each story beat–because she, like a Ken Burns that can’t pronounce “feel,” is just givin’ a much needed voice to the under-appreciated state she loves so darn much.

You could. But you’d be lying, just like anyone who defends the show as “completely non-political.”

Sarah Palin’s Alaska marks an American low, a political low, and HOLY CRAP a reality show low (which I wasn’t sure even existed). I really, REALLY hope there’s a hungry bear in episode two.

[LAT: 'Sarah Palin's Alaska' breaks TLC record with 5 million viewers for premiere]

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Jerry Hsu

December 17th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Happy 28th birthday today to pro boarder Jerry Hsu!


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This dude is the reason that Diana rides an Enjoi skateboard (poorly; with near-catastrophic drop-in attempts under her belt). Known fondly as Asian Elvis, he is not only a skate prodigy but a pretty sweet photographer, and one of our heroes.

Here’s hoping he ends up passed out in a pile of his own birthday vomit tonight! It’s the only way to celebrate.

[Epicly Later: Jerry Hsu Photo Gallery]

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Losing My Lunch

February 20th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Question: what makes you want to hurl more?

These cooked dog feet from a restaurant in China?

Or…

Gene Simmons’ sex tape?

[Vomits. Loses appetite forever.]

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I Believe In Celine and Yuna!

December 18th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Guess biz-nas in US have been slow for Dion since she got dropped as the official songstress of HRC’s campaign and took her last bow in Vegas! Celine “Da Diva” Dion has apparently now spread her wings towards the ATMs audiences of Japan, releasing a beautiful new duet with J-Pop star Yuna Ito:

Oh boy! From the soft, meaningful hand grasp at the song’s opening measure, to the creepy intimate eye contact throughout, to the scary hug and awkward thumbs-up warm embrace at the end, this beautiful collaborasian drips with sincerity! No way does it reek of Ka-Ching Chong!

[vomits in mouth]
[buys "A World To Believe In" mp3 single on iTunes]

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Thanks, jRu?

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My Parents Don’t Approve of Nick and Vanessa "Playing House" and Neither Do I

December 5th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I hate to puke.

But when I’m driving around the city and I’m pulled up to a stoplight and I’m clucking my tongue to tunes and checking out pedestrians, my eyes will settle on the license plate frame on the car in front of me. “Rachel and Marc…Meant to Be” indeed! I saw this the other day. I promptly hurled into my travel coffee mug.

Who does this? Are these the same people that buy “relationship” photo albums? Or who get decals of their initials + their lovah of two month’s initials = 4eva? What IS this? Why is this?

I will declare it here and now, no self-respecting couple should do such things. If you are one of these dorks, it doesn’t matter if you donate to Africa or have two broken legs or buy me 30 Hermes bracelets. I hate you. I really do. You are making the world drippier, sadder, and uglier. You are like a french-country epidemic, infecting the planet one frilly photo at a time. BLEGH. BLEGHHH.

Oh, and you, Nick and Vanessa?

…you are so that couple, and I hate you, you goons. BLEGH. I just ruined my new blouse.

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A Red Cup at Love with Tila Tequila

October 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Ah, the Red Solo Cup. Calls to mind so many wonderful memories, don’t it? Bitchin’ frat parties, binge drinking, drunk driving, vomiting on someone else’s upholstery, blacking out, and lots of lots of date rape. In other words, Fun Times!

Seeing as how Diana wrote the definitive deconstruction of the pilot of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, there’s really no need to get our hands and everything else dirrrrrrty over the second episode. Because what we witnessed in Number Two was not really Tila’s pathetic perseveration that she really really is a drive-bisexual or more gratuitous circus T’n'A or men preening in tranny heels, all of which did, in fact, occur. What we saw instead was shot after shot (pardon the pun) of RED SOLO CUPS. You know, those classy cups that wikipedia says, “have become the cup of choice for Beer Pong on college campuses.”

“What the eff? I thought this was a show for lezzies! This drama is driving me to drink! Thank God for this red cup.”

A homoerotic fight ensues over Tila between two totally masculine alpha red cup dogs. Tila looks on in horror from the chaise, clutching her red cup for dear life.

“Brahs, a little less fighting, a little more red cupping.”

Tila seeks refuge among the lezzies holding red cups.

Tila has a crying sesh on the couch with one of the lezzies, while declaring that she’s “overwhelmed” and she is “fer real,” gesticulating with her red cup for emphasis.

Tila goes in for a smooch with her lezzie du jour without tipping, yup, you guessed it, her fuckin’ red cup.

By our count, Red Cups made an appearance in that one-hour episode (40 minutes, really, when you count commercials) 201 times.

Excessive? Yes. Low-brow? Uh-huh. Trashy? You be the judge.

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Pork Dinner

September 25th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

A story surfaced last week in the Mainichi Daily News about a restaurant in the Roppongi district of Tokyo (home to many U.S. expats which used to be seedy but has in recent years gone luxe) where you can supposedly fuck a live chicken, dog, goat, or pig, have it slaughtered for you, and then EAT IT.

Every time I’ve attempted to write about this, I’ve thrown up in my mouth and aborted. But there are a lot of “facts” in the story that are fishy (I think you can fuck one of those, too, I just don’t really know how), which are broken down nicely in the blog Neojaponisme. Neojaponisme points out that the original story comes from a publication called Jitsuwa Knuckles. This is what it looks like:

Now, I can’t read Japanese, so I can’t verify whether or not Jitsuwa Knuckles is a legitimate news source, but it sure as shit does not look like one.

Also, the one eyewitness who claims to have been to the restaurant, works at an S&M club (not that we’ve got anything against sex workers, but read on).

“Apparently, the restaurant started off quietly in the basement of a building that a real estate agent in Roppongi who couldn’t find any other tenants,” an S&M club worker identified only as M tells Jitsuwa Knuckles. “News about the restaurant spread through word of mouth and it became popular.”

“An S&M club worker identified only as M” is the only source for this pork-riffic story? At the very least, that’s shoddy journalism. Also, as Neojaponisme points out, this story sound suspiciously like all the other Wacky Jap stories that are circulating the web, along with the innumerable tales of those Evil Baby-Killing Chinese.

If anyone else has the skinny on porking one’s dinner in Tokyo, we would love to hear from you. In the meantime, best of luck keeping your lunch down after reading this.

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Takeru Kobayashi, Still a Weiner In My Book

July 5th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

To paraphrase a certain saying, those who live by the hot dog, die by the hot dog. (According to IMDB, Orson Welles once ate 18 Pink’s hot dogs at one sitting, and he died of a heart attack.) Yet there was something sad about the dethroning of six-time champ Takeru Kobayashi in the Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest yesterday by that awful Seth Myers-character, Joey Chestnut. After scarfing 66 dogs in 12 minutes, setting a new world record, the horse-faced Chestnut wrapped himself in an American flag, like an Olympic sprinter taking a victory lap.

Barf

Afterward, ESPN’s gleeful, hours-long drubbing of Kobayashi–who garnered little sympathy pre-competition by publicly claiming he was suffering from a mysterious jaw ailment–felt about as wholesome and fair as picking on a retarded kid. ESPN replayed the clip of Kobayashi puking and then shoving vomit back into his mouth over and over, only to ban the clip this morning. Fucking hypocrites!

I’m not against showing the clip, only the bullying humiliasian that followed. Hope you had a light lunch, because here tis:

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Flying the Pervy Skies

June 8th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

“Wanna see our cooters? Please keep your seatbelt fastened and your ‘tray table’ in its full-upright position! Hee-hee!”

The Mainichi Daily News reported this week that semi-nude photos surfaced on a porn website of a Japan Airlines flight attendant. They have since been taken down and, no, I’m not going to give you the web address, perv.

The flight attendant, whom the papers are calling Miss A–weird and pervy in and of itself–claims that the photos were taken by a female friend:

“I know where they were taken and who took them,” she explains. “She was a person who I once trusted.”

Riiiiiight. Cuz Diana and I take nudie pics of each other all the time. It’s something we like to call “art.” We giggle through the entire photo sesh, too–with our hands over our mouths.

Jen: Don’t you dare put that on Flickr, hee hee!

Diana: I might! Hee hee!

(sounds of vomiting)

More pathetic was the dialog that appeared with the flight attendant’s racy photos, which was obviously written by a world-class cheesedick genius:

“My likes are simple: I really go for Asian chicks,” the writer smirks suggestively. “And I just love to nibble on those dumb Japanese women.”

The text continues: “Hey, jerkoffs, how’s it going? Let me introduce Miss A (here, the woman’s actual name appears). She’s employed by Japan Airlines, one of their in-flight whores. I’ve screwed her in Japan and in the States.

If you want to hump this bi**h, you have to follow some rules. First, lie to her. I told her I was working for Continental Airlines, and that two buddies of mine were pilots. Eventually I suckered her and her girlfriend to coming over to my place and the three of us had a wild orgy!”

(more sounds of vomiting)

Is castration still legal somewhere in the world?

Click here for full story.

“Try to hump this bitch, and I’ll cut your dick off.”

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Gwen Stefani Makes People Sick

June 1st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The state of New Joisey is all in a tizzy over underage drinking after 13 minors were hospitalized following–surprise!!–a GWEN STEFANI CONCERT. But I gotta ask, was it REALLY the alkeyhol that did those teens in? Or was it…

Gag

Barf

BLEEEECCCCCCHHHHHHH

Oh. God. I don’t feel so good. Overdosing on ricist imagery. Somebody call 911.

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Anticip-p-pasian

May 23rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

At long last, the trailer for Rush Hour 3. It drop-kicks theaters in August.

Two words: CAN’T WAIT.

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Greenpeace Makes Japanese Dock Worker Wanna Barf

April 6th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

“Greenpeace Boat Docks in Japan”
YOKOHAMA, Japan (AP) — Greeted by cheers from a small group of anti-whaling supporters, a Greenpeace boat docked in Japan on Friday, ending a weeklong standoff with Japanese authorities who had effectively barred their entry into port…

Japanese officials have called Greenpeace activists terrorists and threatened legal action against environmental groups that harass whaling boats.


Terrorists? Really, Japan, ya sure about that?

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