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Remember the Geisha iPhone app? About which I wrote, “But why stop at geishas? Why not have a stripper app? Or better yet, a lap dance app? Why not have the iPhone also be a dildo? It already vibrates, so you’re halfway there.”
That was before I discovered iGirl, which is being billed on iTunes as “your own virtual girl friend…for less than the price of a cup of coffee or a beer.” You can tickle her, make her dance, and even change her ethnicity! And she’s, ahem, multi-lingual. Plus, as her creators put it, “She Obeys.”
That’s more like it. I mean, sure, they could have taken this idea further or, in the words of one of the customers who reviewed iGirl, “Longer hair and topless would be a good addition.” But this is a promising start toward virtual, convenient, inexpensive iJackingOff! Good job!!!
Jen and I have been trying to figure out how to monetize our amazing Guitar Hero prowess for years. Our GH band, appropriately named DISGRASIAN, slays Slayer (with five stars) without blinking. We own like, thousands of rad custom guitars. We get sponsored after every gig. Virtual Tom Morello bows down to us, Virtual Slash totally fears us, and through the live-competition-through-the-Interwebs magic of Xbox 360, we can make a 12-year old cry before he even starts his math homework, simply by plowing through a near-perfect rendition of ZZ Top’s “La Grange!” We rock! Our band frickin’ rocks!
We want to take this act on the road. We have so many frickin’ stage outfits we can’t stand it.
How many times we have said this aloud we cannot count. Here’s the dream: We pack up our laptops, quit our sorta day jobs, get flying casette tape logos tatooed onto our forearms, and hit the road. We see this as a totally plausible goal, and tell everyone we know that it is so, as often as we can.
And each time, some dipshit asshole responds with the following:
“You can’t just quit your jobs and go on tour with your Guitar Hero rock band. That’s not realistic.”
…which just ruins our day. Incidentally, we’ve been inclined to believe these grouchy naysayers every time they do their naysayin’, so we ultimately put down our guitars, throw back an extra swig of brown liquor, dust off our Macs, and start trolling the Web to see if Tila Tequila has taken credit for another piece of legislation or Sharon Stone has asked her plastic surgeon to seal her lips shut yet.
So you can only imagine how we felt when read a report today about Blake Peebles (see photo above), a Guitar Hero “whiz” who convinced his parents to let him drop out of school at age 16 to pursue his virtual rock dreams. Among his career wins so far are gift certificates, chicken sandwiches, and gaming equipment.
What kind of parents would allow their kid to blow off high school in search of such lofty goals, you may ask?
Says The News & Observer:
[Peebles's parents] Mike and Hunter do not believe in one-size-fits-all parenting.
That is not to say that it was an easy decision for them to let Blake leave school last September. They would have preferred that he stay in high school with his brother. But he bugged them until they let him quit.
“We couldn’t take the complaining anymore,” says Hunter. “He always told me that he thought school was a waste of time.”
We never thought we’d see the day, but it’s time for us to be dipshit assholes.
A message to Mike and Hunter Peebles:
“YOU CAN’T JUST LET YOUR CHILD QUIT SCHOOL AND GO ON TOUR WITH HIS GUITAR HERO BAND. IT’S AN ENTIRELY FUCKING RIDICULOUS NOTION. WHO ARE YOU? ARE YOU HIPPIES? ARE YOU STUPID? ARE YOU JUST TERRIBLE PARENTS?
LET US GIVE YOU A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE: BLAKE HASN’T BEEN OFFERED THE LEADING ROLE ON ZOEY 101, HE’S WON A COUPLE OF CHICKEN SANDWICHES AND PLASTIC CLUTTER! GET A GRIP! TAKE SOME CONTROL OVER YOUR BOY! DON’T JUST PISS AWAY WHAT’S LEFT OF HIS LIFE BECAUSE YOU’RE TIRED OF LISTENING TO HIM. OF COURSE YOU’RE TIRED OF LISTENING TO HIM! HE’S CLEARLY A MUTANT! WHY ARE YOU PAYING FOR TUTORS FOR THIS GUY? SPEND THAT MONEY TO GET YOUR CHILD SOME THERAPY. BUY HIM SOME COOL CLOTHES SO THAT HE CAN MAKE FRIENDS AT SCHOOL–REAL FRIENDS, NOT VIRTUAL TOM MORELLO.
ANYWAY… THE POINT IS, OUR BAND, DISGRASIAN, IS TOTALLY BETTER THAN YOUR PATHETIC KID’S DUMB BAND. TELL HIM TO MEET US ON XBOX LIVE TONIGHT AT 8PM. WE’LL WRECK THAT LITTLE FUCKER.”