You are currently browsing posts tagged with Vanessa Minnillo
Quite the Casual Friday: Shanghai man goes to work in his Iron Man suit, which is actually REALLY impressive. [Laughing Squid]
Teen Vogue’s Eva Chen’s personal Tumblr blog is stylish, charming, and totally follow-worthy. [whatever eva wants]
An Aussie newsman attempted to tell the Dalai Lama a joke, which happened to not be funny. But the video is. [Boing Boing]
Pretty B-list, even for B-listers: the wedding of former boy bander Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo will be televised. [PopSugar - thanks, Diana!]
I “dye”! Folks in China are dyeing their pets to look like wild animals, and it’s kinda freakin’ adorable. [CNN - Global Public Square]
The impossible has happened.
After three years of dating, some well-documented spats, and a handful of dropped “Where’s the ring?” hints, the inevitable has happened: Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo, world’s least interesting sublebrity couple, have called it quits.
And no, we can’t really imagine a good reason to ever talk about this again.
You have no idea how hard it is to find a photo of you where you aren’t hawking yourself on some pointless red carpet. Or wearing a far-too-aggressive push-up bra. Or jutting your ass out in some schoolgirl outfit/bikini/lingerie number for one of those glossy bathroom semi-jerk-off magazine spreads. Or hosing around with some useless celebutard who seems far too young to be hanging out with you, cuz you look like you’re freakin’ forty-five and apparently you just turned twenty-eight this week. Blegh! Jesus! Don’t you think there might be better ways to present yourself? More to do with yourself? What do you do? Who the hell are you? You’re rounding up towards thirty, for crying out loud! Two years away, but getting there.
Oh, which reminds us. Happy birthday. You’re twenty-eight. You look, uh, great.
NICK: Ah, just another dinner at DISGRASIAN’s favorite restaurant, Katsu-Ya. Dude, I’m so full of crab rolls. I need a little fresh air.
VANESSA: Nick, roll that window up. Can’t you see I’ve got something in my eye? I think it’s an eyelash.
NICK: Is it an eyelash in your eye or are you still pissed that I patted the waitress on the behind when she took the specials menu away?
VANESSA: She was pissed, not me. Remember how she called you a filthy, fat, D-lister? You better wait awhile before you go back there.
NICK: Good point.
VANESSA: That window is still down! Everyone is taking pictures! I look all irritated! Now everyone’s going to think we’ve broken up!
NICK: Are we breaking up?
VANESSA: No, stupid! We’re a celebrity couple! We brag all the time about how happy and well adjusted we are.
NICK: Right. We are really well adjusted. So we’re not breaking up, but somebody’s going to think we’ve broken up.
VANESSA: Yes, dummy. Although I’m starting to get just irritated enough to want to break up with you.
NICK: You do? You can’t do that!
VANESSA: Well I would, if it would raise either one of our StarMeters, just a little bit.
NICK: Do you think it would?
VANESSA: (sighs) No.
NICK: God, I’m so bored.
VANESSA: God, I’m so bored.
NICK: I sure hope somebody cares if we’re breaking up.
Congratulasians to Vanessa Minnillo, who today confirmed to People that she has been cast in her first feature film, Redefining Love. The former Miss Teen USA also told the magazine that boyfriend Nick Lachey is “one of my biggest cheerleaders,” which confirmed that he is still a big tool.
I hate to puke.
But when I’m driving around the city and I’m pulled up to a stoplight and I’m clucking my tongue to tunes and checking out pedestrians, my eyes will settle on the license plate frame on the car in front of me. “Rachel and Marc…Meant to Be” indeed! I saw this the other day. I promptly hurled into my travel coffee mug.
Who does this? Are these the same people that buy “relationship” photo albums? Or who get decals of their initials + their lovah of two month’s initials = 4eva? What IS this? Why is this?
I will declare it here and now, no self-respecting couple should do such things. If you are one of these dorks, it doesn’t matter if you donate to Africa or have two broken legs or buy me 30 Hermes bracelets. I hate you. I really do. You are making the world drippier, sadder, and uglier. You are like a french-country epidemic, infecting the planet one frilly photo at a time. BLEGH. BLEGHHH.
Oh, and you, Nick and Vanessa?
…you are so that couple, and I hate you, you goons. BLEGH. I just ruined my new blouse.
VANESSA: So wait, why are we here again?
NICK: It’s a celebrity baseball game. We’re the celebrities.
VANESSA: Oh. Well you were in, like, a second-tier boy band in the early 2000s.
NICK: Vaness, don’t start with me. You’re just a former beauty queen. So was Delta Burke.
VANESSA: I was an MTV Veejay!
NICK: So was Jesse Camp.
VANESSA: Oh my god. We’re nobodies.
NICK: No, baby. We’re somebody! For instance, I partly-own this baseball team: The Rainiers.
NICK: The minor league team.
VANESSA: Minor league? Who watches the minors? Who cares if you partly own a minor team? It’s not like you’re Jerry Buss or something.
NICK: That was fucked up. I can’t believe you just said that.
VANESSA: I know, sweetie. I’m sorry. Okay, so if this is a team, then why are we playing?
NICK: It’s a celebrity game.
VANESSA: Ooh! Where are the other celebrities?
VANESSA: They’re US?
NICK: What are you trying to say?
VANESSA: Oh my god. Can we go to Koi or something when we get back to LA? I’m having a meltdown. I thought you were raising my stock.
NICK: What stock?
VANESSA: My stock! My stock! I want to have a higher StarMeter score on IMDB!
NICK: Listen, we’re being photographed. We’re going to be on WireImage like ka-ray-zee tomorrow.
VANESSA: People care about this shit?
NICK: Sorta! Nobody really has anything better to do!
VANESSA: Where are the cameras?
NICK: There. [points] And there.
NICK: Mrrnnmmph!! Take the picture!!!
Perhaps in an effort to compete with her
nemesis replacement ex-husband’s girlfriend Vanessa Minnillo’s crazy face:
Jessica Simpson did her best to rock the crazy with an assortment of
retahded nerdbombalicious scary spastic happy poses at the recent launch of her swimline.
Filed under: Crazy Faces, Fading Into Obscurity, Irrelevance, Jessica Simpson, Low-rentitude, Nick Lachey, Regretting the Day You Laid Legs on Johnny Knoxville, Talentless White Girls, Vanessa Minnillo, Weaves
Oh Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo. Just as I was starting to think you guys might actually be kind of cool, you had to go and remind me that you are just really just a pair of B-list saccharine douchetards:
EWWWWWWWWWWWWW! You guys are so LAME! “Our secret life” my ass. I promise you, unless there are s&m swings and/or spy work involved, your secret life is as boring as my 3rd grade diary–which read a little something like this:
How are you? I’m great. So much to tell, I don’t even know where to start. So what happened today… Social Studies, English… SCHOOL! I can’t believe we have to go to school. But I got to sit next to Jared C. (sigh!) today at lunch, it was A-W-E-S-O-M!
You should have been there, Diary!!
Anyway, that’s all for now!
Love (and kisses),
But back to this dreadful zzZZZzZZzcelebrity coulple–oh sorry, I dozed off– it all gets so much worse:
Now hightail it to some new tropical resort and screw on VIDEO! It’s the only way.
However, TMZ just reported that Mr. Lachey and his Vaseline-smile woman were caught on camera getting damn freaky in the hot tub of a private Mexican resort.
TMZ has learned that the rest of the roll shows the two not only making out, but having hardcore sex in the hot tub. A source who has seen the photos tells TMZ that they are “Paris sex tape-level scandalous,” and include images of the couple in several different sex positions. That’s hot!
Well, well, well. Maybe you two aren’t so boring after all. I’m liking you both more already.
This week, Vanessa Minnillo, formerly of MTV’s TRL, debuted a new line of cosmetics called Flirt. Here she is at the launch party:
Wowzers. Not only has the Insanity Barometer gone up, up, up, it’s shattered into a million pieces, and I’m eating broken glass off of the floor. As I snack on this dee-licious lunch, I thought I would write Va-mess-a a letter.
I am writing today out of concern for your mental health. Forgive me for being forward, but what the hell is wrong with you? I guess I should be happy that, in the above photos, no one’s holding a knife to your throat. Are you experiencing problems in your home life? We at DISGRASIAN are well-aware of how your boy Nick can render a girl batshit-crazy.
I have a theory about why you seem to always take wack pictures. Stop me if you think I’m overthinking this. As a former beauty queen, who had to, no doubt, endure the humiliasian of taping your butt cheeks and putting Vaseline on your teeth to maintain that creepy pageant-smile, perhaps you’re finished with impressing other people with your looks. I respect that. You’re done with the Beauty Myth, the Feminine Mystique, and yada yada, and have moved on to posing with crazyfaces, because you want the world to see the REAL YOU and appreciate you for your mind, your critical faculties, your intelligence–
Wait a second. You’re Vanessa Minnillo. I am overthinking this.
On second thought, you’re nuts.
all the best,