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Grace Park Single-Handedly Saves The Baby Seals
You don’t have to be a bleeding-heart emo vegan with a hard-on for Natalie Portman to think that killing baby seals for their fur is one of the sickest forms of animal cruelty around. But after seeing PETA’s new celebrity ad campaign to end seal slaughter in Canada and some of the douche applicators in it…
Continue reading Grace Park Single-Handedly Saves The Baby Seals
Filed under: Animal Cruelty, Baby Seals, Battlestar Galactica, Brody Jenner, Celebrity Campaigns, Grace Park, Natalie Portman, Nerd Icons, Perez Hilton, PETA, PETA Save the Seals, Useless People, We Don't Trust Vegans
The Today Show Just Got A Little More Hardass. Awesome!
Al Roker hosted Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt on the Today Show yesterday, and properly clowned the famous-for-nothings for majorly pussying out on the wait-this-is-an-actual-unscripted-reality show, I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!
After Roker’s opener, “Now there are those who say that you guys are the poster children for everything that is wrong with celebrity in this country,” the best part of the video is most certainly when the Today veteran asks Heidi a very simple question, referring to the couple’s messy exit from the show (3:40 of the clip): “Are you proud of this?”
He asks. Over. And over. And she fumbles because she can’t really deal, or understand, or–we’re hoping–actually be proud of her actions. Ever.
It’s painful, really. Until at last her answer surfaces: “I mean, I’m not ashamed.“
And, truth be told, we aren’t the least bit surprised.
Filed under: Al Roker, Al Roker Rules, Famous-For-Nothings, Hardass Asian Questioning, Heidi Montag, I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here, People Who Have No Shame, Spencer Pratt, Useless People
When Worlds Collide: Speidi And Blago
So this is what it looks like at the 1st Annual Totally Fucking Shameless [In the Woods] Convention:
The Apocalypse Is Most Certainly NearWhat’s worse: having everything to be ashamed of, or nothing to be proud of?
Kinda boggles the mind, doesn’t it?
[People: When Blago Met Speidi]
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Thanks, Eliza!
Filed under: Boring Couples, Heidi Montag, People Who Have No Shame, Photo Op Victims, Pride, Rod Blagojevich, Spencer Pratt, Strange Bedfellows, Useless People
Hipster Runoff Is the April Fool
Hipster Runoff posts about Slanties!
Feel kinda weird about how AZNs are ‘winning’ everything. Used to think that they were sort of a ‘novelty race’ who were just trying to look kute, but I think I was focusing one the wrong ones that didn’t actually represent the majority of the AZN population [via Gwen Stefani's AZNs].
And inspires more disaffected dreck like this:
Still not satire. Still not funny. But definitely foolish.
Filed under: Blogs, Death to Hipsters, Disaffection, Gwen Stefani, Harajuku Girls, Hipster Gear, Hipster Pastiche, Hipster Runoff, Mindless Shit, Slanties, Useless People
DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Crazy Hong Kong Airport Lady
By now, unless you’re living in a cave without WiFi, you’ve seen the Crazy Hong Kong Airport Lady Fuh-Reak-Out on YouTube, along with–at present count–4.2 million other people.
When we first saw this, Diana was like, “Do you have any idea what she’s saying?”
And I was like, “Dude. I don’t speak Cantonese. But more importantly, those are not word-sounds coming out of her mouth. That lady is straight-up falling down.”
It seems kinda mean to call out a crazy lady, doesn’t it? And lord knows, we’ve all lost our shit at the airport, which we’re certain would be designated a ring of hell if Dante were alive today. But here’s where Crazy Hong Kong Airport Lady screwed up.
If you’re this prone to epic panic attacks–and we speak from personal experience–you ALWAYS WITHOUT EXCEPTION REMEMBER TO BRING DRUGS ON YOUR PERSON. ESPECIALLY TO THE AIRPORT. We’re talking Valium, Ativan, Xanax, Klonopin, and any other medication whose generic name ends in “azepam” that you would then chase down with a watery, airport lounge Bloody Mary. If you can’t remember that one itty-bitty detail, you really are useless. Except to 4.2 million people, all of whom are laughing at you.
Which serves some kind of purpose, we suppose.
*shrugs*
*pops pills ending in “azepam”*
Filed under: Benzodiazepines, Chinese Lady Misses Flight, Crazy Bitches, Crazy Hong Kong Airport Lady, Drugs Not Hugs, Falling Down, Shit Fits, Useless People, Xanax? Scotch?, YouTube Sensations
Vanessa MinNILlo, Blogger
Our friend Slanty wrote about Vanessa Minnillo’s blog last week and pointed out that there was a whole lotta nuthin’ going on over there…
Which sounds about right.
Thanks, Jasmine!
Filed under: Beautiful Filipina Women, Bloggers, Doing Nothing, Famous-For-Nothings, Nick Lachey, People Who Wear Bikinis for a Living, Useless People, Vanessa Minnillo, Vanessa Minnillo's Blog
More Stuff and Stuff
I recently became addicted to Tila Tequila’s “Hot Spot”–which is in fact, not her clitoris, but her blog. How else would I have learned that, God willing, she plans to walk away from fame once she finds her mate in A Shot At Love 2?
She writes:
“My Life After ‘A Shot At Love’ Is Over!!!“
I mean. We Wish.
She continues by quoting herself from Entertainment Weekly Magazine:
I wanna do meaningful stuff. After a while you reach your goals and then what? You just prance around like Paris Hilton all day long and feel like you have to find the next scandal to stay big. This lifestyle is fun and I worked hard for it, but I think in the long run, it’s a lot. I just wanna be in love for the rest of my life and move to an island and have kids.
Oh, that Tila and her “stuff!” After reading this incredible declarasian, we feel compelled to figure out what goals she’s reached in life:
1) Mastering a musical instrument
2) Being on the cover of a national magazine
3) Writing a book
Done, done, and done! She really has come so far. And I agree… with nothing left to accomplish, she should move on to the meaningful stuff!
Oooh! It looks like she’s already started: check out her new track, a duet with Hotrod called “I Like to Fuck.”
At least she’s finally saying something that she means.
Source Source Source Source Source
Thanks, jRu!
Filed under: "Fuck", Celebutards, Girls That Shouldn't Talk, Lofty Goals, Meaningful Stuff, Piano Lessons Are Required, Sad Accomplishments, Shut the Stuff Up, Tila Tequila, Useless People
Happy Lunar New Year
Happy New Year, everyone! Our East Coast Correspondentasian Greenie just sent us the awesomest celebration package of red bean cakes, tea, rice candy and FIRECRACKERS…w00t!
Since it’s the Year of the Rat, my Chinese astrological sign, my Moms also emailed to say that, according to our custom, it’s auspicious for me to shove those firecrackers up a useless person’s ass.* So I’ve picked my candidate, who pulled over yesterday just so that the one paparazzo following her could remind the world of ho she is:
*Okay, so Mom actually told me to wear red, but, like, whatever.
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Thanks, Greenie! We love love love it.
Filed under: Auspiciousness, Bai Ling, Lunar New Year, Shoving Firecrackers Up Someone's Ass, Useless People
When Worlds Collide: Fauxbulosity
KIMORA: I love being here at Art Basel Miami with my fabulousest Asian peeps!
MR. CHOW: The secret to being famous is being photographed outside of my restaurant. I’ve launched the careers of Mick Jagger, David Bowie, and Nicole Richie.
KIMORA: I have no idea what an art fair from Switzerland has to do with partying in Miami, but it is fabulicious!
MR. CHOW: I’ve just come to terms with the fact that I’m a tastemaker. For example, did I start this glasses thing or did Philip Johnson? I think we all know the answer to that.
KIMORA: Who’s Philip Johnson? Is he fabulopoulopolis?
MR. CHOW: He’s dead. But I can’t help thinking that if he had only been photographed outside Mr. Chow more, things might have turned out differently for him.
EVA: Some people say I’m a dead ringer for Marilyn Manson.
KIMORA: Marilyn is NOT fabulala. Not since he dumped Dita. Who is fabuburlesqueitude in a martini glass.
MR. CHOW: Marilyn Manson would be a household name if he was photographed outside of my restaurant.
EVA: I mean, the whole thing’s preposterous. I don’t just wear one blue contact. Morticia Adams maybe, but Marilyn? No.
KIMORA: What would not be fabulisimmo is if I look fat in this picture. Lemme use one of my old modeling tricks and kick out my leg like so. Okay! Take the picture…and make us all look fabunarcissisissitical or I will kill you.
Filed under: Hating on Kimora is Our Pastime, Marilyn Manson's Doppelganger, Mr. Chow, Talking Over One Another, That Looks Like Fun, Useless People
Nodding Off
In his MTV/MySpace-produced live conversation with “real” people this morning, John Edwards answered some tough questions with meticulously pre-prepared answers about the Iraq war, education, raising taxes and how to improve conditions in the inner-city in a shameless bid to woo voters from the hipper, more bleeding-heart, and blacker Barack Obama.
Edwards did a good job, despite his inexplicable sartorial choice of pairing an extra-long blue blazer with the palest, baggy-yet-tapered jeans I’ve seen this side of the Lumberjack World Championships.
But this post isn’t really about Edwards or inner-city reform or Lumberjack Jeans. It’s about SuChin Pak, who was one of the live forum’s hosts.
Watch the video again. And then you’ll understand why I have this to say to SuChin: you are our Oprah. You are brilliant and you really know how to rock anorexia. And, and…let’s see…your shining talent is…um…uh…you NOD a lot?
Filed under: Inner-City Reform, John Edwards, Lumberjack Jeans, Nodding Is a Great Art, SuChin Pak, Useless People
Note to Bobby: You Ain’t Fly
Dear Booby Trendy,
I had some thoughts about your “look” today. For starters: I do not like your haircut. It’s flat and makes your head look fat. Your lips are an atrocity; they are gucky and disgusting. Lisa Rinna saw those things today and said, “Ech! Can he speak?”
Oh God, your jacket hurts my brain. I love a glue gun and taffeta too, baby, but that lapel makes your chest look like pale-pink squeeze-tube flesh, and shows off that hideous neck accroutrement. And those boots. Boots! It’s the middle of summer! Faux Pas City! It’s tragic. I realize those boots were $125 on Hollywood Booly, but they LOOK like they cost $45! That’s right! Cheap to cheaper! Awful! Everything! Awful! I’m exhausted just thinking about it!
My mother always forces me to say something nice, so: I like that your eyebrows remind me of Grandma Munster.
Warmest Regards,
Diana
P.S. So your fly is open. Big whoop. As you can see, that’s the least of your problems.
Filed under: Bobby Trendy, Disgaysians, Lips that Scare Me, Pale-Pink Flesh, Useless People, X-amine Y-our- Z-ipper
Congratulasians!
Our warmest farts wishes go out to First Drunk Girl Daughter Jenna Bush, who just announced her engagement to some conservative tool in khaki pants Henry Hager. I think it’s safe to say that their children will not be as cute as the rightful-First Daughter Sarah Gore’s and new husband Bill Lee’s offspring…
…but I’m sure that what the future Bush-Hager spawn lack in looks, they will make up for mightily in brains.
Keep up the good work, Jenna! You are truly an inspirasian to fat, drunken, sloppy, dumb, average-looking, useless girls around the world!
Filed under: Dumb Blondes, Engagements, First Daughters, Jenna Bush aka The Fat One, The Bush Twins, Useless People
