You are currently browsing posts tagged with Useless People

Grace Park Single-Handedly Saves The Baby Seals

November 5th, 2009 | 8 comments | Posted by Jen


You don’t have to be a bleeding-heart emo vegan with a hard-on for Natalie Portman to think that killing baby seals for their fur is one of the sickest forms of animal cruelty around. But after seeing PETA’s new celebrity ad campaign to end seal slaughter in Canada and some of the douche applicators in it…


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The Today Show Just Got A Little More Hardass. Awesome!

June 16th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Al Roker hosted Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt on the Today Show yesterday, and properly clowned the famous-for-nothings for majorly pussying out on the wait-this-is-an-actual-unscripted-reality show, I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!

After Roker’s opener, “Now there are those who say that you guys are the poster children for everything that is wrong with celebrity in this country,” the best part of the video is most certainly when the Today veteran asks Heidi a very simple question, referring to the couple’s messy exit from the show (3:40 of the clip): “Are you proud of this?”

He asks. Over. And over. And she fumbles because she can’t really deal, or understand, or–we’re hoping–actually be proud of her actions. Ever.

It’s painful, really. Until at last her answer surfaces: “I mean, I’m not ashamed.

And, truth be told, we aren’t the least bit surprised.

[via Now Public]

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When Worlds Collide: Speidi And Blago

April 24th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

So this is what it looks like at the 1st Annual Totally Fucking Shameless [In the Woods] Convention:

The Apocalypse Is Most Certainly Near

What’s worse: having everything to be ashamed of, or nothing to be proud of?

Kinda boggles the mind, doesn’t it?

[People: When Blago Met Speidi]

Thanks, Eliza!

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Hipster Runoff Is the April Fool

April 1st, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Hipster Runoff posts about Slanties!

Feel kinda weird about how AZNs are ‘winning’ everything. Used to think that they were sort of a ‘novelty race’ who were just trying to look kute, but I think I was focusing one the wrong ones that didn’t actually represent the majority of the AZN population [via Gwen Stefani's AZNs].

And inspires more disaffected dreck like this:

Still not satire. Still not funny. But definitely foolish.


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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Crazy Hong Kong Airport Lady

February 20th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

By now, unless you’re living in a cave without WiFi, you’ve seen the Crazy Hong Kong Airport Lady Fuh-Reak-Out on YouTube, along with–at present count–4.2 million other people.

When we first saw this, Diana was like, “Do you have any idea what she’s saying?”

And I was like, “Dude. I don’t speak Cantonese. But more importantly, those are not word-sounds coming out of her mouth. That lady is straight-up falling down.”

It seems kinda mean to call out a crazy lady, doesn’t it? And lord knows, we’ve all lost our shit at the airport, which we’re certain would be designated a ring of hell if Dante were alive today. But here’s where Crazy Hong Kong Airport Lady screwed up.

If you’re this prone to epic panic attacks–and we speak from personal experience–you ALWAYS WITHOUT EXCEPTION REMEMBER TO BRING DRUGS ON YOUR PERSON. ESPECIALLY TO THE AIRPORT. We’re talking Valium, Ativan, Xanax, Klonopin, and any other medication whose generic name ends in “azepam” that you would then chase down with a watery, airport lounge Bloody Mary. If you can’t remember that one itty-bitty detail, you really are useless. Except to 4.2 million people, all of whom are laughing at you.

Which serves some kind of purpose, we suppose.


*pops pills ending in “azepam”*

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Vanessa MinNILlo, Blogger

October 27th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Our friend Slanty wrote about Vanessa Minnillo’s blog last week and pointed out that there was a whole lotta nuthin’ going on over there…

Which sounds about right.

Thanks, Jasmine!

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More Stuff and Stuff

May 21st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I recently became addicted to Tila Tequila’s “Hot Spot”–which is in fact, not her clitoris, but her blog. How else would I have learned that, God willing, she plans to walk away from fame once she finds her mate in A Shot At Love 2?

She writes:

My Life After ‘A Shot At Love’ Is Over!!!

I mean. We Wish.

She continues by quoting herself from Entertainment Weekly Magazine:

I wanna do meaningful stuff. After a while you reach your goals and then what? You just prance around like Paris Hilton all day long and feel like you have to find the next scandal to stay big. This lifestyle is fun and I worked hard for it, but I think in the long run, it’s a lot. I just wanna be in love for the rest of my life and move to an island and have kids.

Oh, that Tila and her “stuff!” After reading this incredible declarasian, we feel compelled to figure out what goals she’s reached in life:

1) Mastering a musical instrument

2) Being on the cover of a national magazine

3) Writing a book

Done, done, and done! She really has come so far. And I agree… with nothing left to accomplish, she should move on to the meaningful stuff!

Oooh! It looks like she’s already started: check out her new track, a duet with Hotrod called “I Like to Fuck.”

At least she’s finally saying something that she means.

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Thanks, jRu!

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Happy Lunar New Year

February 7th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Happy New Year, everyone! Our East Coast Correspondentasian Greenie just sent us the awesomest celebration package of red bean cakes, tea, rice candy and FIRECRACKERS…w00t!

Since it’s the Year of the Rat, my Chinese astrological sign, my Moms also emailed to say that, according to our custom, it’s auspicious for me to shove those firecrackers up a useless person’s ass.* So I’ve picked my candidate, who pulled over yesterday just so that the one paparazzo following her could remind the world of ho she is:

*Okay, so Mom actually told me to wear red, but, like, whatever.

Thanks, Greenie! We love love love it.

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When Worlds Collide: Fauxbulosity

December 7th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

David “Mr.” Chow, Kimora Lee Simmons, and Eva Chow at Art Basel Miami

KIMORA: I love being here at Art Basel Miami with my fabulousest Asian peeps!

MR. CHOW: The secret to being famous is being photographed outside of my restaurant. I’ve launched the careers of Mick Jagger, David Bowie, and Nicole Richie.

KIMORA: I have no idea what an art fair from Switzerland has to do with partying in Miami, but it is fabulicious!

MR. CHOW: I’ve just come to terms with the fact that I’m a tastemaker. For example, did I start this glasses thing or did Philip Johnson? I think we all know the answer to that.

KIMORA: Who’s Philip Johnson? Is he fabulopoulopolis?

MR. CHOW: He’s dead. But I can’t help thinking that if he had only been photographed outside Mr. Chow more, things might have turned out differently for him.

EVA: Some people say I’m a dead ringer for Marilyn Manson.

KIMORA: Marilyn is NOT fabulala. Not since he dumped Dita. Who is fabuburlesqueitude in a martini glass.

MR. CHOW: Marilyn Manson would be a household name if he was photographed outside of my restaurant.

EVA: I mean, the whole thing’s preposterous. I don’t just wear one blue contact. Morticia Adams maybe, but Marilyn? No.

KIMORA: What would not be fabulisimmo is if I look fat in this picture. Lemme use one of my old modeling tricks and kick out my leg like so. Okay! Take the picture…and make us all look fabunarcissisissitical or I will kill you.


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Nodding Off

September 27th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

In his MTV/MySpace-produced live conversation with “real” people this morning, John Edwards answered some tough questions with meticulously pre-prepared answers about the Iraq war, education, raising taxes and how to improve conditions in the inner-city in a shameless bid to woo voters from the hipper, more bleeding-heart, and blacker Barack Obama.

Edwards did a good job, despite his inexplicable sartorial choice of pairing an extra-long blue blazer with the palest, baggy-yet-tapered jeans I’ve seen this side of the Lumberjack World Championships.

But this post isn’t really about Edwards or inner-city reform or Lumberjack Jeans. It’s about SuChin Pak, who was one of the live forum’s hosts.

Watch the video again. And then you’ll understand why I have this to say to SuChin: you are our Oprah. You are brilliant and you really know how to rock anorexia. And, and…let’s see…your shining talent is…um…uh…you NOD a lot?


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Note to Bobby: You Ain’t Fly

August 20th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Booby Trendy,

I had some thoughts about your “look” today. For starters: I do not like your haircut. It’s flat and makes your head look fat. Your lips are an atrocity; they are gucky and disgusting. Lisa Rinna saw those things today and said, “Ech! Can he speak?”

Oh God, your jacket hurts my brain. I love a glue gun and taffeta too, baby, but that lapel makes your chest look like pale-pink squeeze-tube flesh, and shows off that hideous neck accroutrement. And those boots. Boots! It’s the middle of summer! Faux Pas City! It’s tragic. I realize those boots were $125 on Hollywood Booly, but they LOOK like they cost $45! That’s right! Cheap to cheaper! Awful! Everything! Awful! I’m exhausted just thinking about it!

My mother always forces me to say something nice, so: I like that your eyebrows remind me of Grandma Munster.

Warmest Regards,

P.S. So your fly is open. Big whoop. As you can see, that’s the least of your problems.


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August 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Our warmest farts wishes go out to First Drunk Girl Daughter Jenna Bush, who just announced her engagement to some conservative tool in khaki pants Henry Hager. I think it’s safe to say that their children will not be as cute as the rightful-First Daughter Sarah Gore’s and new husband Bill Lee’s offspring…

…but I’m sure that what the future Bush-Hager spawn lack in looks, they will make up for mightily in brains.

Keep up the good work, Jenna! You are truly an inspirasian to fat, drunken, sloppy, dumb, average-looking, useless girls around the world!

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