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Cute Wars

July 9th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


A couple of years ago, my boyfriend and the cutest dog in the world (see above) were approached by his DISGRASIAN female neighbor, who had one burning question she wanted answered:

“Who’s cuter? Me? Or the dog?”

I don’t have a photo of this chick on me, but let me tell you. I’m not convinced she would’ve won this competition with a cactus (ZING!). The answer, which she didn’t like, was a stunned: “THE DOG.”

Point is, humans can’t really contend with the cuteness of animals. It just doesn’t work. We don’t have the huggy softness of pandas. We don’t have sad, round, kitten eyes. We don’t employ a tiny frolic like the baby pudu deer. We don’t have wet, little, puppy noses.

Few people have a shot against a cute animal. And I will argue that when it comes down to it, we’ve really only got one secret weapon against our animal kingdom pals: the Asian baby.

“Pandas, you don’t have a prayer.”

My GOD, our babies are so damn cute that their cuteness could melt glaciers.

So if a teeny-tiny Asian baby dukes it out with a tabby cat (like in this photo competition we just discovered via Buzzfeed)…


…we honestly don’t know who has the upper hand. Probably the kid. Probably.

[BuzzFeed: Asian Baby vs. Garfield]

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Face It, Miley

February 2nd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I shouldn’t be expected to understand the Miley Cyrus thing: I don’t think I pay for the Disney channel, I’m not eleven years old, and I certainly don’t find Billy Ray’s chin-pube influence to be at all acceptable. All signs point to “no” with the little butterface. Can she sing? Sorta. Can she dance? Kinda. Is she gentle on the eyes? Hardly. So there you go. I DON’T GET HER.

It’s not that I’m totally out of touch with tween culture or Disney’s brilliant machine, guys. The wild success of the Jonas Brothers totally makes sense to me. Sure, they make terrible music. Yes, their pants are too tight and I’m not at all comfortable with their penchant for ill-fitting vests and high boots. And okay, if they never perform at another football halftime show, it’ll be too soon. But these boys, with their pretty little koala faces, are so damn sugary and cute that they’re impossible for the little ladies to resist. That I can accept. A girl’s gotta have somebody to doodle about in her easy-lock diary, for crying out loud. Give ‘em three cute brothers.

But this Miley girl–whose given name isn’t even Miley (“Miley” was apparently short for, er, “Smiley”–a nickname adopted by her parents)–this girl is not cute. As far as I can tell on the Interwebz, she’s basically just average in every single possible way. Let’s be honest, homegirl has a face that only a chin-pubey, too-close dad can be expected to love (by the by, few others seems willing to say such things because she’s just a young thing, and it’s wrong to judge the little ones harshly… but I’m an asshole, and after I see enough Internet photos of a chick in her underwear I no longer regard her as “little,” and overall I just don’t care).

But while we’re on the subject of faces, y’know, it occurs to me that I’ve always meant to give the little lass some advice on the face she seems to make most repeatedly in photographs (usually self-snapped). It’s an awkward, puckery, duck face. An unflattering pout, if you will.

My advice would be: Always make a nice face in photos. If you were a person with a cute face, it would be all about angles. If your head was cute but a little round, you’d be wary not to let your full moon take over a picture. But if you’re like, really grim, as in your case, and have got a truly tragic mug, always, ALWAYS opt for pretty expressions. Don’t dick around with icky faces–you can’t pull it off. And when assessing your look, always trust a picture. Never trust your ego. Your ego will likely tell you: You’re famous! That means you’re gorgeous! But your ego will be wrong.

Work with your strengths

But, my dear, if you’re going to make another face, don’t let it be this one:

“That guy said it was okay!”

‘Cuz then you’ll have but a moment to get out of my face, before Jen and I decide that we’re ready to bust up your face. And it will be the most unfortunate situasian you’ve ever had to face.

And two bitches you don’t ever want to face, face-to-face… are us.

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Thanks, jRu, Ashley, Jasmine, Bao-Viet, Tammy, Elisa, and Eukadanz!

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Rock of Love Bust

January 13th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I’ve been wondering since Episode 1 of Rock of Love Bus… is the dimple-faced Brittanya Asian, or part Asian?

Some of you definitely think I’m crazy to care, I’m sure–and you’re like, “Diana, dude. That chick is obvs a sassy Latina! And why are you trying to lay claim, anyway?”

I’ll tell you, I’ve eyed the wretched faces of the poor gals on R.O.L. for three seasons now, and most of those mugs would make a baby cry (save for Jes and Brandi M.)–Brittanya is one of the very rare non-fuggles. I’d be happy to claim her. Excepting the fact that she PIERCED BOTH OF THE DIMPLES IN HER CHEEKS, THE OTHERWISE CUTEST ELEMENTS OF HER FACE, she’d be rather adorable if she’d simply crack open the Cetaphil and rinse off all of that hideo eye makeup.

Fo’ realz, I’ve kinda crossed my fingers that my Jungle Asian Eagle Eye is up to snuff and that Miss Brittanya is actually a pretty in purple Pinay, or a lady with a little Laotian in her. It’s totally possible.

Well, I thought it was possible, until viewing this week’s episode of Bus, in which Brittanya confesses during a taxing game of “R U Smarter than a Rock Star” that she “is not that smart.”

After quickly realizing that she a) R Not Smarter than a Rock Star and b) is never going to be able to answer any of the game’s brain-benders correctly, she simply ambles over to Bret in her short shorts and starts sucking his tonsils out. Heyyoo!

Not smart? Definitely not Asian. But Brittanya is, without question, a brilliant contender for Bret Michaels’ heart. Mark my words–Don’t be surprised if you see this hot bitch, whatever her ethnic makeup, in the final three.

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Paris Invasian

July 23rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Paris Hilton announced on her MySpace blog today that she will be joining the geeks and weirdos at this week’s Comic-Con, to promote her new movie, Repo! The Genetic Opera.

Um, what’s up, va-Johnny come lately? Smarties, techies, geeks, and nerds are OUR territory, so bitch better be careful where she steps.

If Jen (who will be geeking it up in the Gaslamp, DISGRASIAN-style) catches so much as a glimpse of that smelly, fishy, stupid ho-bag, I guarantee that there’s going to be an ugly scene. A very ugly scene.

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