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Lessons learned from yesterday’s Balloon Boy incident…
1) It only took one person to start the rumor–and the ensuing media frenzy we all used as an excuse to blow off work Thursday–that 6 year-old Falcon Heene was up in that shiny, oversized-birthday balloon. And that person was Falcon’s older brother, 9 year-old Bradford.
LESSON LEARNED: We should never believe anything that comes out of children’s mouths.
2) When the Heene family was later interviewed by Wolf Blitzer on Larry King Live, little Falcon dropped a bombshell that suggested the day’s events had been nothing but a carefully-planned hoax: “We did this for the show.”
LESSON LEARNED: We should believe everything that comes out of children’s mouths.
3) On Friday morning, when the Heene family was gently pressed by a kindly Meredith Vieira on The Today Show about Falcon’s bombshell statement, the 6 year-old vomited not once, but twice (around the 6:28 mark).
LESSON LEARNED: Vomiting on cue, unlike crying on cue, is a majorly underrated talent.
LESSON LEARNED: Richard Heene is not as talented an actor as his puking-on-cue son, Falcon.
5) Our favorite blog patroness, Arianna Huffington, went on MSNBC’s The Ed Show Thursday afternoon to talk about this little thing called Afghanistan, but the interview was subsequently hijacked by the subject of Falcon Heene, who had, at that point, been found very much alive.
When Arianna, who later deemed Balloon Boy a “non-story,” asked host Ed Schultz, “Now that the little boy has been found, why are we still talking about it?” Schultz responded, somewhat scoldingly, that Balloon Boy was “a good lesson to parents across the country to make sure you always know where your kids are.”
LESSON LEARNED: On second thought, there are no lessons to be learned from Balloon Boy.
Sigh. Well, we may have learned nothing whatsoever from Balloon Boy…
Think about it. Run with the possibilities. Nay, fly! Fly on little Falcon Heene’s clipped wings!
LESSON LEARNED: When life hands you a Balloon Boy lemon, make Balloon Boy lemonade.
Y’all heard about the recent UFO sighting in my home state Texas, right? I figured that was a bunch of horseshit, as we would say in the Lone Star State, until Wednesday night, when I was given a reason to believe that one of Them is among us.
But the dead giveaway that Lapuz is an alien life form was his claim that he hailed from Reno, Nevada. Nevada, home to The Extraterrestrial Highway and the most UFO sightings on planet Earth. Fortunately for all parties involved, Lapuz turned out to be a friendly visitor, regaling the American Idol judges with this message from his people:
I am your brother
your best friend forever
singing the songs
the music that you like
We’re brothers ’til the end of time
together forever til the end of time
Simon Cowell, whom the alien had tearfully declared “Heaven’s Chosen,” was overheard complaining after the show of minor anal cavity discomfort. Lapuz, meanwhile, is goin’ home, back to the place where he belongs, where alien love has always been enough for him…he’s goin’ ho-o-o-ome.