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Nobu Matsuhisa opened his 19th restaurant this week in Melbourne, Australia. The chef, who helped make sushi an international cuisine and introduced jalapeno farming to Japan, traveled Down Unda with his business partner Robert De Niro for the opening.
BOB: One shot is what it’s all about.
NOBU: You all, of course, know Bob, my longtime business partner and friend.
BOB: Never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.
NOBU: So true. I do think the key to a successful business is relying on your friends.
BOB: I’m da boss.
NOBU: Yes, Bob’s the boss. I wouldn’t be where I am today if Bob hadn’t told me to open in New York.
BOB: No matter how big a guy might be, Nobu would take him on. You beat Nobu with fists, he comes back with a bat. You beat him with a knife, he comes back with a gun. And you beat him with a gun, you better kill him, because he’ll keep comin’ back and back until one of you is dead.
NOBU: Uh, well, of course Bob is speaking figuratively. I would describe our partnership as–
BOB: I make him an offer he don’t refuse.
NOBU: Yes, that’s exactly how things went down. Are there any more questions?
BOB: Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads. Here is a man who would not take it anymore. A man who stood up against the scum, the cunts, the dogs, the filth, the shit. Here is a man who stood up. Nobu Matsuhisa, everybody!
NOBU: Thank you, Bob. That was really moving. (beat) Uni shooter, anyone?
BOB: Suck on this!
Drunk Girl/Coke Whore/reigning Miss USA Tara Conner will finally hand over her crown this evening. Congrats, Tara. It’s been, like, a total annus horribilis! The upshot is you’ve only checked yourself into rehab once in an entire year, unlike some people.
Uh, I am talkin’ to you-know-who, but I digress. The real story here is that judges for tonight’s Miss USA pageant include Vanessa Minnillo, herself a former beauty queen: