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Of Course Electroshock Smile Therapy Was Invented By Asians [HOAX]

February 7th, 2011 | 1 comment | Posted by Jen

Hardass Asian Parents, do you wish your lazy, spoiled, selfish children would show some gratitude for all the sacrifices you’ve made for them by offering up a smile now and then? Is that too much to ask???

Welp, if it is, you can simply force their little mouths open with the Electro Smile, a device allegedly invented by a Japanese scientist that sends electric shocks to a child’s cheeks, producing a smile that “lasts for Days.”

I hate you, Mommy! BZZZZZZZZZ I mean, I love you, Mommy!

The gadget warns of an “only slight twitch side effect,” along with an only slight your-child-hating-you-forever-and-thinking-you’re-a-sadistic-fuck-for-the-rest-of-his-or-her-life (deep breath) effect.

[UPDATE: The photo above is for a real product, albeit one that doesn't deliver electroshocks (sorry, Tiger Moms). And the text is fake and not just the result of a horrible translation. The real product, as I learned from the comments section of Neatorama, is called a Kami Kami sensor, and it counts the number of bites children make while eating their food. Which actually seems way less useful than an electroshock smile therapy tool, don't you think?]

[Image via]

[via Neatorama]

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! The Philadelphia Inquirer’s Brian Tierney and Harold Jackson

May 15th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

In response to the public outcry this week over the hiring of Torture Memos author John Yoo as a monthly columnist for the Philadelphia Inquirer, both the paper’s publisher, Brian Tierney, and its editorial page editor, Harold Jackson, issued defenses of Yoo’s hiring that were, well, indefensible.

The NY Times reported:

“What I liked about John Yoo is he’s a Philadelphian,” Mr. Tierney said. “He went to Episcopal Academy, where I went to school. He’s a very, very bright guy. He’s on the faculty at Berkeley, one of the most liberal universities in the country.”

To critics of the hiring, he said, “The most important speech to defend is the speech you hate.”

And sure, we can all agree that free speech = GOOD, even when we don’t agree with said speech’s content. Unless, of course, you’re John Yoo. In a 2001 memo, Yoo actually suggested that free speech and free press were maybe not all that, in the words of Tierney, “important” and worth “defending.”

First Amendment speech and press rights may also be subordinated to the overriding need to wage war successfully,” Yoo wrote, in a memo entitled, “Authority for Use of Military Force to Combat Terrorist Activity Within the United States.

Oh. The. Irony.

The Inquirer‘s editorial page editor, Harold Jackson, was less chummy in his own Yoo-pologia, but he wasn’t any more convincing.

For NPR.org, he wrote:

Adding more conservative commentaries to our mix doesn’t mean we have become right-wing in our editorial positions. It means we aren’t afraid to let people hear what the other side has to say.

We think most of our readers aren’t afraid either.

Our editorial board strives to take distinct positions on every topic we write about. But we also want to make sure our pages present alternative points of view.

That’s the reason we run Yoo.“

Ahh! “Hearing…the other side” and “alternative points of view” also = GOOD (and now let us embrace and sing Kumbaya together), however…

Legally justifying torture is not simply “other” and “alternative,” it’s madness. It goes against reason, logic, ethics, and humanity. And, for the record, we should be afraid of that. We should be very afraid.

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Yoo Might Be In Trouble

April 21st, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


President Obama stated today that he would leave open the possibility of criminal prosecution for the members of the Bush administration that constructed legal basis for torture-based interrogation during war-on-terrortime. The choice to take legal action against these policy architects will land squarely in the lap of Attorney General Eric Holder.

From CNN:

“With respect to those who formulated those legal decisions, I would say that is going to be more a decision for the attorney general within the parameter of various laws, and I don’t want to prejudge that,” Obama said during a meeting with Jordan’s King Abdullah at the White House.

It’s about time.

We’re looking forward to seeing who might get called to task, should Holder decide to pursue real legal action against those morally challenged policymakers. We’re particularly interested in seeing what might come of John “Torture Memo Shmorture Memo” Yoo, whose “moral compass” while working for the White House seemed not only lost, but shat on twice and destroyed.


We can’t help but wonder if he’s starting to feel just a liiiiiiiiiiiittle bit sorry about some of his actions, for once.

Or perhaps a bit nervous about being questioned by the prosecution.

[CNN: Obama Leaves Door Open to Bush Officials' Prosecution]
[Straits Times: US Lost Its Moral Compass]
[The Swamp: Justice Interrogation Memo]
[Salon: John Yoo Is Sorry for Nothing]

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Yoo Suck, Again

March 3rd, 2009 | 1 comment | Posted by Jen

In a newly declassified Justice Department memo released Monday, it was revealed that “torture memos” author, legal expert and professional fat-face John Yoo also recommended to the Bush administration shortly after 9/11 that First Amendment rights be suspended during its “war on terror.”

First Amendment speech and press rights may also be subordinated to the overriding need to wage war successfully,” Yoo wrote in the memo entitled “Authority for Use of Military Force to Combat Terrorist Activity Within the United States.

So, to review: Yoo is totally okay with crushing the testicles of a child, and he’s also down with squelching free speech. No wonder the citizens of Berkeley, CA want him fired from his tenured position at the law school and declared a war criminal. But I’ve got a better idea. He and fellow bondage-lover/free speech-hater Tila Tequila should make a baby!


It would be adorable in that Bad Seed, Damien Thorn sorta way.

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! John Yoo, the Torture Memo, and the Bush Administration

April 11th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

On the first of this month, under pressure from the ACLU, the Pentagon declassified a 2003 Justice Department memo authored by John Yoo, then Deputy Assistant Attorney General of the Office of Legal Counsel, which interprets the law for the executive branch. In what is now being called “The Torture Memo,” Yoo wrote that, in U.S. military interrogations of prisoners of war, anything short of causing “death, organ failure or permanent damage” was not considered torture. The memo also gave the Bush Administration the power to bypass the Fifth Amendment (due process) and the Eighth Amendment (cruel and unusual punishment) when it came to “alien, enemy combatants held abroad.” Though the memo was revoked nine months later, many believe that it laid the groundwork for prisoner abuses at Abu Ghraib. It also gave President Bush absolute authority above our Constitution, the Geneva Conventions, and international treaties the U.S. has signed regarding torture of war prisoners.

Then ABC News broke a story this week that top Bush advisors–Cheney, Condi, Rummy, Colin Powell, CIA Director George Tenet and Attorney General John Ashcroft–held several secret meetings at the White House to approve the use of “enhanced interrogation” (i.e. torture) in the interrogation of al Qaeda suspects.

According to one source, Ashcroft expressed his doubts about what they were doing and said during a meeting, “”Why are we talking about this in the White House? History will not judge this kindly.”

For once, we hafta agree with Ashcroft.

[The June issue of Esquire publishes an interview with John Yoo, currently a Berkeley law professor, where he defends his actions. Read excerpts here.]

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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