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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Weak 3 Of The NFL Regular Season

September 29th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

NFL’s Week 3… oh, what a week. Did y’all see what we did?

Amazian blasian Hines Ward hit a major milestone Sunday afternoon during my Steelers’ away effort against the Cincinnati Bengals–he became the first black-and-gold-bleeder to surpass 10,000 receiving yards (further solidifying a future bid for the Hall Of Fame). Huzzah!

Sadly, the achievement was mired by Pittsburgh’s second 3-point loss in two weeks. To the BENGALS. Oy oy oy. Heal that knee, Polamalu, Heal! Our D needs you, baby!

But hey, it wasn’t all bad. Before MNF’s kickoff last night, Jen wondered aloud who the biggest QB tool of the evening would be: her Cowboys’ Tony Romo or the Panthers’ Jake Delhomme. Turns out, Delhomme served up more turnovers than a European bakery–perhaps suggesting what job he might actually do well at when he gets booted from Carolina–and America’s team added one in the win column. Phew.

Frankly, the Cowboys needed a home win like that, especially one on Monday’s snazzy nationwide stage. It was heartbreaking to watch them christen the new $1.5 billion dollar stadium in last week’s shameful loss to the Giants, particularly because Romo’s dorky disappointment was super-sized and crystal clear on that beautiful new Jumbotron.

But back to Sunday. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that perennial grouch/sweatponcho pioneer Bill Belichick might be considering a career change: WILL HE OR WON’T HE–join the Misfits, that is?

Just assessing the evidence being placed before our eyes. Mark my words, guys. Belichick is a punk.

And speaking of punks, can somebody please drive up to Buffalo to knock some sense into Terrell Owens? How can an avid Twitterer and star of a trashy VH1 reality show have the gall to lash out at “the media?” Is he not constantly serving himself up on a roasting dish for public consumption? Does he not understand what medium affords him the luxury of being known worldwide as “T.O.?” Aw hell no.

If only Owens could simply suit up, catch the ball (unless he’s playing the Saints), and shut the fuck up, for just one season. I just want to shake the dude and scream: “Play, Terrell! Play well! Play with the team! That’s all you need to do, for crying out loud! And while you’re at it, stop blaming everyone else and find yourself a rad therapist to quiet those angry voices in your head!”

Sigh.

On the other hand, one man proved himself for the billionth time, with one last-second torpedo into the end zone, that he is worth the hype:

Brett “Don’t tell Me I’ve Still Got It Cuz I Already Know It, Biatch!” Favre. I don’t care that he’s a Viking. The dude is magic–yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is everything that is great about football.

And the neon-green nightmare that is the Seahawks’ alternate uniform… is everything that is not great about football.


From the sportscaster desk, Howie Long called these “flat-out distracting.” I mean, wow–I am painfully embarassed for this team.

I’ve got a theory, though. The Seahawks are from Seattle: a place with clean air and beautiful cedar houses, where chanterelles grow a-plenty, delicious Kumamoto Oysters avail themselves as openly as slutty undergrads at USC, and–while wrapped in cuddly, North Face fleece–every ruddy-cheeked resident is at all times sipping on a perfect cup of coffee or a fine-tasting microbrew. Life is too good in the Pacific Northwest to warrant a winning football team. Awesome NFL teams were created to add awesomeness to an otherwise tough, shitpile existence (like living in Green Bay or Detroit). Seattle’s team doesn’t need to be awesome. And clearly, they don’t need to be suitably or subtly dressed, either.

Last but not least. Couldn’t help but notice that the Peyton Manning/Justin Timberlake Sony Ping Pong Commercial that aired during the Sunday games was not the “Mandarin” version hampered by their shoddy subtitles.

Are they listening to us? Or did they simply realize airing a commercial that’s actually funny yields great rewards?

Doesn’t matter. I just can’t wait for next week.

[Pittsburgh Post-Gazette: Steelers Notebook - Ward's Milestone Dampened By Loss]
[Dallas News: Romo Gives Panthers Nothing In Dallas Cowboys' 21-7 Win]
[ESPN: Owens Critical Of The Media]
[Seattle PI: So What Do You Think Of Seahawks In Green?]

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Thank You Football Gods, i.e. Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo Are No Mo’

July 13th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Dear Football Gods,

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

To those heathens who say that the Football Gods don’t exist, I say, “I pity the fool.”

To those blasphemers who would call Tony Romo breaking up with Jessica Simpson two weeks before training camp “coincidence” rather than “divine intervention,” I call bullshit.

To the non-believers who think that Romo breaking up with Jessica Simpson one day before her 29th birthday was stone cold, I think…damn, that was kinda cold, dude. Ouch.

But having ice in your veins and winning championships go together like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong, so I realize this is all part of your Great Plan, Football Gods.

So I praise you and I say…

So long to Bad Fuck Charms! Bring on Super Bowl XLIV! And Hallelujah, bitches!!!

[People: Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split]

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In Preparasian for Jen’s Birthday

December 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Listen, guys. I’m sure you all know that Jen’s birthday is tomorrow, and that your gifts and cards are already wrapped, stamped, and sent. You’re just that kind of people!

But just in case you’ve shamefully procrastinated, I’ve included a handy-dandy gift giving guide that is no-fail! (And we all know how Asians feel about failure.) Trust me:

10. A pretty winter scarf.


9. A delicious cake from LA bakery Sweet Lady Jane, with “JANE” scratched out on the label–and replaced with “JEN.”


8. Custom GH axe


7. A hit on Jessica Simpson before Tony Romo and the Cowboys face the Steelers this weekend


6. Blood and Chocolate original print on vinyl


5. Vintage youth Dallas Cowboys starter jacket


4. Dumplings for our dumpling!

3. DDK on a plate

2. Cool laser gun to take down enemies (or Bai Lings)


1. The day off. Jen’s not writing tomorrow, biatches! Deal with it!!!

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These Boos Were Made For Walking

July 21st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Jessica Simpson on the phone with her baby sis Ashlee, Saturday night, after she is booed during her debut country music performance at the Country Thunder USA Festival.

JESSICA: (sniffling) Oh my gaw, Ashlee, I had the worst night of my life tonight!

ASHLEE: Hold on one sec, Pete just dropped a bottle of hair product in the toilet. One sec.

(Long conversation pause; Sounds of muffled bathroom chaos)

ASHLEE: ‘Kay. Back now. That was kind of a crisis. Petey can’t survive a day without product, y’know? Is Tony like that?

JESSICA: Ash, I’M in a crisis!

ASHLEE: Oh right. Okay, what happened? Is Tony gay?

JESSICA: No.

ASHLEE: Is he cheating on with you with somebody smart and talented?

JESSICA: Um, no.

ASHLEE: Oh. Did Coach Phillips finally issue that restraining order against you, so that you won’t come to games?

JESSICA: Ashlee, no! I sang tonight. I did my Country Thunder debut. Remember?

ASHLEE: Oh, right. How’d that go?

JESSICA: Ash, it was BAD! I did everything Daddy said to do. I did that whole, like, cute Daisy Duke look with the shorts and the…

ASHLEE: Again?

JESSICA: WhatEVER, Ashlee! Daddy said, “If they can’t see your ass, you won’t see their cash.” Remember? So I did that, and like, totally wore cowboy boots. And Daddy was all, “Whenever you want to cough or breathe, say either ‘Texas’ or ‘Tony.’” So I was like, “I’m Tony Romo’s girlfriend from Texas! Remember me from all of the pictures? I’m from Texas! Tony loves my Texas girl tits!” Stuff like that.

ASHLEE: I’m sure that went over well.

JESSICA: But that’s the thing, it DIDN’T. They were booin’ at me Ashlee. People were telling all the reporters I was some kinda embarassment and that I shouldn’t be there. And that going out with Tony doesn’t make me country! What are they talking about? What’s more country than the Dallas Cowboys? Augh! They booed! I can’t believe it!

(sounds of muffled laughter)

JESSICA: ASH! Are you laughing?

ASHLEE: (muffling her laughter) No.

JESSICA: Oh. Okay, good.

ASHLEE: I, uh, that’s a bummer, Jess.

JESSICA: Daddy is always right! Why didn’t he tell me they were going to boo?

ASHLEE: Maybe he was busy making sure your bra fit right.

JESSICA: Ashlee!!

ASHLEE: Sorry, sorry. Well that really sucks, dude.

JESSICA: I’m so humiliated! I’m so ashamed! I can never show my face again.

ASHLEE: Oh, good.

JESSICA: ASHLEE! You’re not HELPING!

ASHLEE: I don’t have time to help. One day, maybe you’ll be married again, and you’ll see how much time it takes.

JESSICA: (sobs)

ASHLEE: Listen, Jess. I know how you feel. Remember when I performed at the Rose Bowl, and they booed at me? And everyone was talking about it, and I was so ashamed that all I wanted to do was curl up and die?

JESSICA: Oh gaw, totally. Your eyes were so puffy! You looked like shit!

ASHLEE: And remember how I kept calling you and Dad to ask for advice, and he kept telling me he was busy with your career, and you kept trying to shove some old Louis Vuitton bag in my face to make it better?

JESSICA: Um, hmm, soooorta. But wait, is that how it went?

ASHLEE: All you could talk about then was how you wanted to fuck Johnny Knoxville. Or how you already were. Or whatever.

JESSICA: I’m with Tony now! I’m just a Texas girl dating Tony Romo now! (giggles, country-like)

ASHLEE: (stunned pause)

JESSICA: Ashlee? Ashlee? Come on, I need your help.

ASHLEE: Oh, you need a lot more than my help.

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BIRTHDAY CELEWHATEVER!

April 21st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Happy birthday to Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Tony Romo!

May your 28th year be filled with beef ribs and TD completions!

Playoff wins instead of playoff collapses!

Clutch plays instead of curses!

Trips to the Super Bowl instead of trips to Cabo!

Bringing the Lombardi Trophy back to Dallas and…

…and…and…

Aww, fuckit. Who am I kidding? Pfffffffffffft.

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Schadenfreude Is a Beyotch

January 22nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


(This one goes out to Emily, Bob, and Jill!)

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O Romo, Romo, Wherefore Art Thou, Romo?

January 8th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Some people just don’t listen.

Tony Roma with Cowboy teammates and BFC Jessica Simpson in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico


Fine! I get it! I’ll just soliloquy then.

  1. Cabo?!?
  2. It’s called a bye week. Not a buh-bye week.
  3. You do realize that the Cialis you bought tonight in that sweet little Mexican pharmacy is fake, right?
  4. Nice shorts.
  5. If the Cowboys lose on Sunday to the New York vaGiants, I will seriously lose my shit keep my head up high, knowing it was all your fault.
  6. Cabo?!?

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Bad F*ck Charm Addendum

December 30th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


2007 – After being blamed the world over for causing her current boy toy’s Tony “Roma” Romo’s worst NFL outing, Jessica Simpson brings bad fuck to her own box office. “Blonde Ambition,” a romantic comedy starring Simpson and Luke Wilson, opens the weekend before Christmas in extremely limited release (eight Texas movie theaters) and earns a whoppin’ $1,322, the exact cost of Simpson’s last botched lip job. Luke Wilson, meanwhile, makes a New Year’s resolution to never shoot another movie with a fellow Texan whose name doesn’t end in…”Wilson.”

To read the complete Bad Fuck Charm Timeline, click here.

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Thanks Greenie!

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Jump on the Bad F*ck Charmwagon, Y’all!

December 20th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Heeheeheeheehee…I’m sorry, I just can’t stop giggling since Greenie sent me this morning’s Page Six headline: “Texas Vs. Jessica.” T.O. was apparently P.O.ed about the havoc the Bad Fuck Charm wreaked on Sunday, resulting in Tony Roma’s worst career game, and said:

Right now [she's] not a fan favorite – in this locker room or in Texas Stadium.”

Yo, Jessica. Don’t mess with Texas Stadium, y’hear?

[update: T.O. has since apologized, sayin' he was just joshin'. Pussy.]

Thanks G!

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Pro Ballers

December 19th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Congratulasians to Seattle Seahawks middle linebacker Lofa Tatupu and Diana’s boyfriend and the NFL’s bitchin’est coiffure Troy Polamalu for making the Pro Bowl. Kudos to the ten Cowboys and the other four Steelers who made it, and one half-hearted huzzah for Tony Roma, until further notice. And y’all know what I’m talkin’ bout.

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Bad F*ck Charm

December 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Dear Tony Roma (and, no, that’s not a typo),

I suppose you didn’t get Diana’s letter last week, begging you to terminate your relationship with Jessica Simpson for the sake of our–that would be my and Diana’s–friendship. I suppose that even if you did, your response would be, “Who the eff are Jen and Diana? And SFW? I don’t have time for this shit. I’ve gotta go study film.”

Okay, fair enough. Then, mind if I ask, do you believe in another kind of relationship called cause-effect? Because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about your new GF and I’ve come up with some interesting findings about what happens to people she gets with:

2002 – Boy band 98 Degrees breaks up, or, as they put it, takes a “hiatus.” Not long after, bandmember Nick Lachey marries Jessica Simpson.

2003 – Despite the fact that Lachey is on a hit MTV reality show with his new wifey and that 98 Degrees sold 10 million records during their brief career, Lachey releases a solo album SoulO (I know, soulAME), which sells only 171,000 copies domestically and tanks.

2004 – Jessica reportedly hooks up with Maroon 5′s Adam Levine, a cheesefuckfest that will go on over the next several years. During that period, Levine slowly morphs from a sorta cute frontman with an unhealthy obsession with Stevie Wonder to a gaggy, manorexic poseur.

2005 – While making The Dukes of Hazzard movie, Johnny Knoxville and Jessica, according to sources, knock those boots made for awalkin’. The movie is widely panned and nominated for 7 Razzies, including Worst Picture. Knoxville and his wife will eventually divorce, allegedly due to his infidelity.

That year, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey divorce, too.

2006 – Jessica Simpson and singer John Mayer begin dating. The two are quickly crowned the Most Slovenly Creatures of the Entertainment World. Their handlers urge them to break up because they are making the world an uglier place to live in. Mayer’s White Man’s Puff rises like baking bread.

2007 – Jessica and John break up.

Post-Jessica, Mayer appears in a Gap ad, looking not-puffy and, in fact, smoking hot (what? we’re talkin’ the John Mayer, right?!?). Nick finds love again with Vanessa Minnillo and the two move in together. Johnny Knoxville is photographed with a cute, not-tackola Asian chick on the streets of New York.

All is right with the world. But then…

late 2007 – Jessica starts dating YOU, rising star quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys.

Can you see what’s on the horizon, Tony Roma? Do you consider yourself a superstitious man? You have to, you’re a professional athlete. So do you believe in something I like to call “bad fuck charms”? Because you’re with one, and it’s just too close to the playoffs for me to sit back and watch you do idiotic things like throw 3 INTs, ditch the running game completely and lose to the 6-8 Eagles like you did this past Sunday, thumb schmumb, while your GF cheers on your awful play from a luxury box like a hired hooker. Break up with the girl while you can and maybe, just maybe, you might still lock up home field advantage against the Packers for the NFC championship (of course, if you get to the Super Bowl, you will lose to the Pats, but that is an inevitability that whomever you or anyone fucks cannot change).

Winning is just one difficult phone call away (or text message, if you’re that kind of brute, which I totally endorse in this case). Think about it, that’s all I’m sayin’.

a lifetime Cowboy fan and observer of patterns,
Jen

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A Threat to Internal Affairs: Tony Romo

December 13th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

If you are an avid reader of DISGRASIAN, you may have picked up through the f’ball talk that Jen and I are supposed to be at war. She is a lifetime Cowboys fan and I a Steelers devotee. If you don’t know/care about the NFL, just know that Pittsburgh and Dallas are longtime rivals. Ne’er are the two meant to be friendly-like, not in the 70s, not in the 90s, and not now.

From birth, I remember hating the Cowboys. Their clean white uniforms, the big blue star. The rivalry was just in my blood, because my blood runs black and gold.

But something happened over a few years ago. I realized that Jen is always going to be a Cowboys lady, and she is so with such conviction, and I love Jen, and I like football fans, so I had to really respect her devotion. She also supported my team when we went to the Super Bowl in 2006, which caused our solidarity to grow even more. Hate became “respectful and civil not-hate”, though I couldn’t quite admit it out loud or to my family.

And then came Tony Romo.

I first saw Tony “A Place for Ribs” Romo on the field as he helped smash the joy of the Colts in November of ’06. He made Peyton Manning sad, and that made me happy. Who was this guy? Why did he have such a friendly-looking smile? Would he make Peyton Manning say “fuck!” in frustration again? If so, I’d be happy to watch.

And this season I’ve watched more Cowboys games than I ever have. On a good day, Romo is so damn impressive–he looks so great in the pocket that I wonder if he has eyes on the back of his head (but that would kinda be cheating, which is more of The Patriots’ strength). On a bad day, he’s humble, apologetic, and overly thankful to his team for helping to save his sorry ass. Basically, he’s an all-around nice guy, and the Cowboys are doing great this year, and as much as I can’t believe I’m gonna say it, I’ve started liking the Cowboys. Yup, that’s right. The deal has been sealed by the young Mr. Romo.

So it was with great disappointment that I discovered that the alleged relationship–which I long denied–between Sir Romo and that awful, disgusting, stupid, pointless, useless, irrelevant celebutard Jessica Simpson has now been confirmed, if only by the paparazzi photos of him joining her family to pick her up from Burbank airport this weekend.

YEEEEEEEUCH!

This is way more intense than y’all think. And so I’ve got a little message for the douche–er, dude:

Dear Tony Romo,

What’s up? How are you? Is there any way you can get your hands on a Cowboys starter jacket circa 1982 for my friend Jen? Her brother has a bitchin’ one that he won’t let her wear, but she really wants one and would wear it every day. Just a thought!

Anyway! Jen and I are really good friends, and we write this blog DISGRASIAN together, we’re writing partners, yknowwhatimean? We’ve always agreed about almost everything, except I’m a Pittsburgh fan (sorry) and she loves you guys. Which is cool, we’ve built a bridge over a number of years, and we now collectively support both teams AND remain friends. It’s a beautiful thing.

But here’s the thing, and this is where you get incolved. You are threatening this bridge and this friendship and this partnership. You could be the end to DISGRASIAN.

Why?

Because I cannot with good conscience be a fan of you if you are dating Jessica Simpson. It’s gross, and it’s lame, and I worry that if you think that much with your dumb dick, you’re never going to be able to take home a Super Bowl ring. Just a thought.

So please, please, please end this now. It’s early enough to just nip it in the bud, and I think it’ll be better for you overall. Just think of the good you’ll be doing, the lives you’ll be helping. You don’t want to KILL DISGRASIAN, do you? You don’t want to END WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A LIFELONG FRIENDSHIP, DO YOU????

Oh good.

Then have a great post-season.

xoxoxoxoxox!
Diana

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