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TOM CRUISE: Watch my movie!
DUDE ON THE LEFT WITH THE LUSCIOUS LOCKS: Hey Tom, what’s up bro? Can you sign something for my lady?
TOM CRUISE: You look good to me.
DUDE ON THE LEFT WITH THE LUSCIOUS LOCKS: You could sign whatever, man. Maybe her shirt? We didn’t bring anything.
TOM CRUISE: Hmm… I wonder what Suri’s wearing today? Hopefully that cute, cute, cute little Burberry dress I presented to her in a box tied with a ribbon before I left. I just love her so much. She’s totally my favorite of all my kids.
GUY ON THE FAR LEFT WITH HIS EYES CLOSED: Is Tom Cruise here? I can’t see anything!
TOM CRUISE: That Cameron Diaz, what a tall drink of water. Where is she standing?
GUY ON THE FAR LEFT WITH HIS EYES CLOSED: I can’t see her either!
TOM CRUISE: Did any of you happen to see The Last Samurai?
MAN ON RIGHT: I did. Not the most accur–
TOM CRUISE: I am so in love with my wife, Kate! If I wasn’t here at this premiere, I would be ordering a dozen cupcakes to send to her while she’s shopping at Barney’s.
CHILD BEING HELD BY MAN ON RIGHT: I hate it here, Daddy! Can we GO?
Proof positive that having a baby is good for a Hollywood career: Forbes recently unveiled their second-annual “Hollywood’s Hottest Tots” list (for kids 5 and under), claiming that, in these hard times, “fawning over celebrities and their picturesque families may be just the sort of distraction people need.” Okay, sure, except half of the kids’ families are far from “picturesque,” unless that picture Forbes is referring to is an ugly one painted by breakups, breakdowns, and death (in bold):
- Suri Cruise
- Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
- Zahara Jolie-Pitt
- Pax Jolie-Pitt
- Sam Alexis-Woods
- Cruz Beckham
- Matilda Ledger
- David Banda
- Sean Preston Federline
- Sam Sheen
It’s true, though, that people crave new things, which explains why the Jolie-Pitts, who were introduced to the world from 2005-2007 in quick succession, are on the list (Knox and Vivienne were too new, but will undoubtedly dominate next year) and why Sam Alexis Woods, born in 2007, makes the cut (as Dad Tiger always does).
But Suri Cruise wins not because her parents are either revered, pitied, or despised, but because they’re a nonstop creepfest, and that, well, that never gets old.
BROOKE: The show can’t be canceled! I’m Brooke Shields, dammit!
LINDSAY: I heard it is.
BROOKE: Is not!
LINDSAY: Is too!
KIM: Guys. Stop. What are you fighting about anyway?
LINDSAY: For some reason, Brooke is convinced that the show isn’t canceled. And I told her denial is a helluva drug.
LINDSAY: Well, yeah, that’s a factor.
KIM: Mushy Lips?
LINDSAY and BROOKE: (in unison) Andrew McCarthy.
KIM: That’s so mean. He’s not that bad.
LINDSAY: Shut up! That’s easy for you to say!
KIM: Excuse me?
LINDSAY: You get to rub yourself on what’s-his-pants all day, every day! It’s not fair.
KIM: Wait. Why do you keep saying that? You sound crazy. Like, uh, Brooke Shields-crazy.
BROOKE: Well, I’m the star, obviously. And I went to Princeton.
KIM: So what?
BROOKE: Oh, shut up and get another terrible nose job.
KIM: (gasps, runs out of the room crying)
LINDSAY: You just crossed the line.
BROOKE: Oh, puhleeze. Tom Cruise said worse crap about me and I still went to his wedding and we’ve pretended that we’re besties ever since. Because I’m Brooke Shields, and what I say goes. And if I say the show must go on, the show must go on, despite dismal ratings or whatever the so-called “network” is telling the so-called “media” about this so-called “cancellation” business. Who are these people anyway? I don’t know these people. But do they know who I am? I mean, I’m–
LINDSAY: You’re Brooke Shields, dammit. Yeah. I got that.
Guys, can we be serious for one sweaty summer minute? Most of you know that my parents (as well as Diana’s) were immigrants to this country. And, like many new arrivals, they went through tough times feeding their kids, finding jobs, getting their green cards, etc. In the early part of my childhood, we were flat-broke all the time. We didn’t have money to buy a house or furniture or new cars, so we survived for years on hand-me-downs and crap from the Salvation Army. Clothes were also considered a luxury. My brother and I would only get one pair of jeans at a time, and wear them until we blew out the knees, then my mom or grandmother would patch them, then we’d wear them some more until they were faded, filthy, and totally falling apart before we could buy a new pair.
I’ve noticed lately that Katie Holmes seems to be afflicted with the same problem.
She’s been wearing one pair of jeans day in and day out, and, frankly, it hurts me to see this. The most heartbreaking thing about those jeans is that they’re not even hers! She had to borrow them just so she wouldn’t leave the house naked. That’s some messed-up shit, y’all (although, weirdly, she seems to have no shortage of shoes).
Anyway, having been through this myself, I feel like we have to do something. Like gay marriage and free speech, it’s a basic civil right to be able to own more than one pair of jeans. Diana and I have started an online petition called “Help Katie Holmes Buy a New Pair of Jeans.” Our sincerest hope is that we will garner enough signatures to convince corporate sponsors to donate a new pair of jeans to Katie. And all you have to do is sign on the dotted line.
WE REALLY NEED YOUR HELP, PEOPLE. I’m afraid Katie’s jeans don’t have much time left in them. Please don’t wait–act now.
Happy 60th birthday to director John Woo! We are so filled with awe and respect for your glorious, incredible list of film credits, but right know what we really want to hear is every story you’ve got about crazy Tom Cruise during the filming of MI:2. Was he nice? Was he creepy? Did he test you? Did he jump up and down on a couch? How does he remain so ageless? Will he ever rock a different haircut? Tell us everything!
Oh, we mean. Happy Birthday. We hope you eat lots of cake.
So, um, back to Tom…
HIALEAH, Fla. — A teenager with a brown belt in karate used a samurai sword to scare off a burglar who was after his PlayStation 3 video game console…
…According to a police report, one of the burglars kicked in [the] bedroom door…
The burglar found the empty PlayStation 3 box and ran out of the room, but Damian was waiting for him.
“Once I saw him take off running back, I jumped off my (bunk) bed and I grabbed my sword … and I just waited for him,” he said.
Damian said he lunged at him with his samurai sword, striking him in the chest.
“He freaked out,” Damian said.
Somewhere in a Japanese grave, a self-expired Samurai is rolling over, moaning “First Tom Cruise, now this??”
That’s not a bad thing, really. But she’s most certainly an alien–that perky little voice, the insanely precocious mannerisms, the weird, spacey, toothy grin. She’s weird. But incredible. Sure, I love her. I love all weird little aliens.
Watching the 13-year old scoop up the Best Female Movie Star Award at Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards earlier this week, I found my mind wandering wearily off into DakotaFanningquestionland… How long must we wait for Lil’ Miss Fanning to jack up her self-infatuation, pick up a nasty coke habit, start flashing her bosom, and develop an unhappy obsession with changing her hair color a la Lohan? What day will it be that she storms off the set suffering from a teenage nervous breakdown screaming, “Paramount doesn’t own me, my AGENT owns me, you fucker!” What is it like to be a little alien? What do little aliens think about?
And then I wonder… might there ever have been any reason for little Dakota to think of Asian people as silly, babbling, bumbly messes?
…to which I actually have an answer (Yes).
Sure, this interview took place years ago when Dakota was still promoting War of the Worlds with Crazyology Messiah Tom Cruise. But just look at her! The consummate professional, having no choice but to laugh uncomfortably at the 17-year old DISGRASIAN, a muttering, hokey, blathering, blundering idiot who makes Asian dudes in high school seem about as desirable asa brown, mushy banana on a sweaty, smelly day.
Little Alien, forget about him! All men are not created equal.