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DISGRASIAN OF THE YEAR! 10 People And/Or Things From ’10 We Hope Will Get Dick Cancer

January 7th, 2011 | 6 comments | Posted by Jen & Diana

[Ed. note--this post was written in advance of the tragic shooting that occurred on Saturday, Jan. 8 in Arizona. Our thoughts go out to those affected by those events.]

We talked a lot in the closing months of last year how 2010 was BALLS. And you know why it was balls? Because it was a year ruled by DICKS. Dickheads, dickweeds, dickwads, dicktwits, dickfaces, cheesedicks, needledicks, pencil dicks, limp dicks, and a various assortment of Dick Tracies, seemed to poke their, ahem, heads out from all sides. It was actually hard to come up with only 10 Dicks From ’10 because the year was so chock-full of cocksmokers. But somehow, after a little dicking around, we did.

And here they are, 2010′s Most Dickstinguished:


THE PALIN FAMILY

WHY THEY’RE DICKS: Everywhere we turned in 2010, there was another story about somebody named Palin being a dick. There was Todd Palin writing angry, poorly-punctuated emails. There was Willow Palin writing gay slur-slinging, poorly-punctuated Facebook comments. There was Bristol Palin being billed as a “teen activist” and dancing her way horribly to the Dancing With the Stars finals. And then there was Mama Grizzdick herself, Sarah Palin, who showed time and again that not only was she a dick, she was a Dick of All Trades–a refudiating dick, a 1st Amendment-confused dick, an Islamophobic dick, a book-shilling dick, a reality TV dick, a Tea Party dick, and, generally, an all-around fame-trolling dick of the highest magnitude. While it’s clear the Palins are gunning to be the First Family of the United States in 2012, for now, they can pat themselves on the backs for being, hands-down, the First Family of the United States of Dickbags.

OUR SOLUTION: The family of dicks that gets Dick Cancer together stays together. Another idea: JUST. GO. AWAY.

Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE YEAR! 10 People And/Or Things From ’10 We Hope Will Get Dick Cancer

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! The "Palasians"

September 5th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


A lot has been made of Sarah Palin’s husband Todd’s Yup’ik Eskimo ancestry since the Alaskan governor was named McCain’s running mate. The “First Dude” of Alaska is one-eighth Yup’ik, and Yup’iks are descended from people of Eastern Siberia and Asia who came over a gajillion years ago, after the Native American migrasian. Todd is, therefore, octorasian. A fact that’s been noted in virtually every profile of him in the past week, as if to say, Look, Governor Palin’s family is yellow/brown/minority/native/ethnic, too!

And we say, Welcome! Because, like Governor Palin, we’re “inclusive” people. And if you’re biologically Asian–even an itty-bitty bit like that cutie-patootie, hawtie-patawtie Phoebe Cates–that’s good enough for us.

That said, we did come across a few problems with the Palins’ applicasian for entry into the tribe. Here is a partial list of red flags:

1) Asians, unlike Todd, finish college.

2) Asian teens, unlike Bristol, don’t get pregnant.

3) Asian parents, unlike Todd, do not hold up their children as examples when–on the statistically-minimal chance–said children get knocked up by “fuckin’ rednecks.” Instead, Asian parents lock their children up in a room and throw away the key; ritualistically beat them with a shoe, hairbrush, or the hard-end of a flyswatter; repeatedly tell their children how ungrateful they are, what a disgrace they’ve turned out to be, and how much shame they’ve brought to their family. Or they simply disown their disappointing devil spawn.

Hmm. This is not going so well. Perhaps we should leave Bristol out of the conversasian, since she is, after all, only a child.

But wait.

4) Asian parents don’t cut their children any slack. Ever. And most certainly not based on age. How else do you think we’ve produced so many prodigies?

Shoot. Guess we’re not going to lay off Bristol. Or Todd and Sarah, for being shitty parents. Because, as everyone knows…

5) Asians are really fuckin’ judgmental. Asians hold themselves and others to impossible standards. When Asians make mistakes, they might not admit it publicly to save face, but they sure as shit don’t throw confetti at it either. Asians don’t turn their shame into shameless photo-ops (except, perhaps, for Tila Tequila).

Huh.

Alright, you know what? There’s no way we’re going to make this work, so fuck it. Being inclusive is–like polishing a turd–hella exhausting. And it’s pretty patently obvious that the Palins are IN NO FUCKING WAY Asian. DISGRASIAN, yes, but Asian? Not so much.

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