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Apparently, 5 million people watched the premiere of Sarah Palin’s 8-part reality series, her Alaska, last night.
I was one of them. Miraculously, I held down my vomit through every stinking minute of the TLC hour, mostly because I was hoping that Alaska’s former governor would get eaten by a bear (although I certainly would have settled for her falling off of a mountainside). She didn’t. But there are seven more episodes to go, so here’s hoping.
If you compare this pilot to other recent television hours, like Matt Lauer’s recent interview with the fact-slalom king, George W. Bush, then heck, the content wasn’t at all that infuriating. After all, one could maybe accept Alaska as simply a cloying, stagey, poorly-produced celebreality show (Really, Mark Burnett? You built how many scenes off of one blurred Joe McGinniss cutaway? Tsk!) along the lines of Keeping Up With The Kardashians (except the young, unmarried, unqualified new mom in this show isn’t old enough to drink yet). One could celebrate the soaring music cues, red-white-and-blue lower thirds and Christian-rock theme song of the show as just what the Middle American doctor ordered. One could argue that the vast mountain landscapes, endless skies, and extreme animal closeups legitimize this “travelogue,” excusing Palin’s thinly-if-at-all-veiled political rhetoric–sprinkled throughout each story beat–because she, like a Ken Burns that can’t pronounce “feel,” is just givin’ a much needed voice to the under-appreciated state she loves so darn much.
You could. But you’d be lying, just like anyone who defends the show as “completely non-political.”
Sarah Palin’s Alaska marks an American low, a political low, and HOLY CRAP a reality show low (which I wasn’t sure even existed). I really, REALLY hope there’s a hungry bear in episode two.
Filed under: Alaska, Ken Burns, Mark Burnett, Non-Political? Seriously?, Reality TV, Right Wing Nutjobs, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin Is Poison, Sarah Palin's Alaska, Sarah Palin's Alaska Debuts To 5 Million Stupid Viewers, Shows That Liken A Shitty Yard Fence To Guarding Our Nation's Borders, Subversive Campaigning, The CW Blows, Thinly-veiled rhetoric, TLC, Vomit
TLC announced Tuesday morning that, as of Nov. 2, Jon Gosselin will be dropped from the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8.
Can you imagine being KILLED OFF THE SHOW OF YOUR OWN LIFE?! Does that mean Jon Gosselin even exists anymore? While we’re at it, can he be deleted from our collective consciousness, too?
Meanwhile, TLC is currently in talks with Corey Haim, Matt LeBlanc, and Mario Lopez to replace Jon Gosselin in the role of Jon Gosselin, so as not to confuse viewers or the Gosselins’ eight young children.
These were just some of the blogosphere headlines that sprang up in the last 24 hours after this candid camera-oops of Kate Gosselin denying her twin daughter Mady water before an Access Hollywood interview found its way onto the internet:
Okay. Now that we got that over with, everybody take a deep breath and a fuckin’ chill pill, alright?
We don’t know if Kate Gosselin is a bad mother. We don’t know if 8 year-old Mady really hadn’t had water all day or she was just being a drama queen (Google her name and you’ll get “bitch,” “devil’s child,” and “needs discipline”). We don’t have any context for this moment, and we sure as shit don’t know what it’s like to have 8 kids and how that works your nerves.
But we do know one thing–this is no way to treat your Talent. And that’s precisely what those kids are, considering the Gosselins’ payout per Jon & Kate Plus 8 episode is $50,000-$75,000, not to mention all the free shit they receive, like those his-and-hers motorcycles and Kate’s plastic surgery. Plus, the kids are the reason why most people tune in in the first place. Sure people are still interested in Jon and Kate, but mostly, these days, for the schadenfreude. We delight in seeing Kate become more of a controlling, henpecking biatch and Jon an ineffectual, emasculated fat-face. We think there’s some relationship-truth to be gleaned from watching theirs fall apart, a pearl of wisdom in their misery that explains the essential difference between men and women and makes us feel better about ourselves. We’re busy picking sides (Team Jon and Team Kate tees, anyone?) while simultaneously reveling in both teams’ failure. If we want them to reconcile, it’s partly because we know that it would make for really “good TV.”
But the kids? They just work here–in this dismal, falling-apart, faking-it-for-the-cameras, cash cow-”reality.” And they are adorbs, the silver lining of an otherwise sad, sad cloud. So somebody–whether it’s their mom or an obsequious P.A.–better be getting them some top-of-the-line bottled water (we’re thinking Fiji) when they ask for it. Because they’ve fucking earned it.
Thanks, Erica and Jasmine!
Meet Pruthviraj Patil, 11. He hails from India and is a superhero born into a dull, ordinary, well-depilated world. He is one of only an estimated 50 people in the world who suffers from hypertrichosis, or “werewolf syndrome,” which means hair grows everywhere on his body except his palms and feet.
Pruthviraj appeared in an episode of TLC’s “My Shocking Story” that aired this week (click here to watch the full episode in parts on YouTube):
Like all other superheroes, Pruthviraj just wants “to be like everyone else.” And the NY Post reports that Pruthviraj is currently working with a group of Columbia U scientists to cure this disorder. If that fails, I’m hoping Pruthviraj and his fellow werewolves will form a gang and kick the asses of all those annoyingly emo Twilight “Fanpires.”
Click here for more photos.
James Gandolfini and his Asian Hottie Girlfriend are pictured here at The Sopranos premiere. The “final episodes” begin airing Sunday, April 8.
Oh wait, we still don’t have a body language expert. Okay, then. My unprofessional opinion based on this photo is that these two don’t look so thrilled to be together. They look about as happy as Tony and Carmela, in fact. James, it doesn’t appear as though you’ve lost any weight or gotten hair plugs or started wearing self-referential costumes that say “look at us, one of us is ASIAN!” like so many stars do when they upgrade to Asian hottie girlfriends.
Not all of these changes are good things, mind you (cowboy hats should never be worn except by cowboys, and please don’t even ask where I got that samurai/geisha pic of those crazy Cages because I expect you never to make the same mistake).
But how about trying a little tenderness, Gandolfini and Asian Hottie Girlfriend? A little huggy-hug on the red carpet never hurt nobody.