You are currently browsing posts tagged with Tits With Ambition

These Boos Were Made For Walking

July 21st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Jessica Simpson on the phone with her baby sis Ashlee, Saturday night, after she is booed during her debut country music performance at the Country Thunder USA Festival.

JESSICA: (sniffling) Oh my gaw, Ashlee, I had the worst night of my life tonight!

ASHLEE: Hold on one sec, Pete just dropped a bottle of hair product in the toilet. One sec.

(Long conversation pause; Sounds of muffled bathroom chaos)

ASHLEE: ‘Kay. Back now. That was kind of a crisis. Petey can’t survive a day without product, y’know? Is Tony like that?

JESSICA: Ash, I’M in a crisis!

ASHLEE: Oh right. Okay, what happened? Is Tony gay?

JESSICA: No.

ASHLEE: Is he cheating on with you with somebody smart and talented?

JESSICA: Um, no.

ASHLEE: Oh. Did Coach Phillips finally issue that restraining order against you, so that you won’t come to games?

JESSICA: Ashlee, no! I sang tonight. I did my Country Thunder debut. Remember?

ASHLEE: Oh, right. How’d that go?

JESSICA: Ash, it was BAD! I did everything Daddy said to do. I did that whole, like, cute Daisy Duke look with the shorts and the…

ASHLEE: Again?

JESSICA: WhatEVER, Ashlee! Daddy said, “If they can’t see your ass, you won’t see their cash.” Remember? So I did that, and like, totally wore cowboy boots. And Daddy was all, “Whenever you want to cough or breathe, say either ‘Texas’ or ‘Tony.’” So I was like, “I’m Tony Romo’s girlfriend from Texas! Remember me from all of the pictures? I’m from Texas! Tony loves my Texas girl tits!” Stuff like that.

ASHLEE: I’m sure that went over well.

JESSICA: But that’s the thing, it DIDN’T. They were booin’ at me Ashlee. People were telling all the reporters I was some kinda embarassment and that I shouldn’t be there. And that going out with Tony doesn’t make me country! What are they talking about? What’s more country than the Dallas Cowboys? Augh! They booed! I can’t believe it!

(sounds of muffled laughter)

JESSICA: ASH! Are you laughing?

ASHLEE: (muffling her laughter) No.

JESSICA: Oh. Okay, good.

ASHLEE: I, uh, that’s a bummer, Jess.

JESSICA: Daddy is always right! Why didn’t he tell me they were going to boo?

ASHLEE: Maybe he was busy making sure your bra fit right.

JESSICA: Ashlee!!

ASHLEE: Sorry, sorry. Well that really sucks, dude.

JESSICA: I’m so humiliated! I’m so ashamed! I can never show my face again.

ASHLEE: Oh, good.

JESSICA: ASHLEE! You’re not HELPING!

ASHLEE: I don’t have time to help. One day, maybe you’ll be married again, and you’ll see how much time it takes.

JESSICA: (sobs)

ASHLEE: Listen, Jess. I know how you feel. Remember when I performed at the Rose Bowl, and they booed at me? And everyone was talking about it, and I was so ashamed that all I wanted to do was curl up and die?

JESSICA: Oh gaw, totally. Your eyes were so puffy! You looked like shit!

ASHLEE: And remember how I kept calling you and Dad to ask for advice, and he kept telling me he was busy with your career, and you kept trying to shove some old Louis Vuitton bag in my face to make it better?

JESSICA: Um, hmm, soooorta. But wait, is that how it went?

ASHLEE: All you could talk about then was how you wanted to fuck Johnny Knoxville. Or how you already were. Or whatever.

JESSICA: I’m with Tony now! I’m just a Texas girl dating Tony Romo now! (giggles, country-like)

ASHLEE: (stunned pause)

JESSICA: Ashlee? Ashlee? Come on, I need your help.

ASHLEE: Oh, you need a lot more than my help.

Source Source Source

Filed under: , , , , , , , , , ,

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: The Mostly-About-Tits Edition

April 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Hazel Mae in HD

With baseball season underway and me getting off my sleep meds, there’s nothing I look forward to more before bed than watching Sawx games. This year, I decided to spring for NESN (New England Sports Network), which broadcasts all the games, in HIGH-DEFINITION. It is, in a word, wickedawesome. It has also given me new appreciation for NESN SportsDesk anchor, Hazel Mae, and her gigantic talents. “Haze” is of Pinaysian Persuasian, but judging by her bio, which lists surf ‘n’ turf as her favorite food, Hootie and the Blowfish as her favorite band, and Jerry Maguire as her favorite sports movie, methinks she’s really a broheim from the, ah, neck up.

Lost in Translasian

Chicago Cubs fans are so stoked to have new savior slugger Kosuke “Fuck You, Do Me” Fukudome on the team that they welcomed him with signs written in Japanese on Opening Day. Only problem is they were supposed to read “It’s Gonna Happen,” a reference to ending the Cubbies’ 100 year, World Series drought, but instead they all said “It was lucky” or “It was accidental.” Oops.

Jessica of Troy

This week, Jose Canseco, while promoting his new book Vindicated, intimated that last year’s AL MVP, Yankee Alex Rodriguez, is a juicebag. Canseco also said that he believed A-Rod had an affair with his ex-wife, Jessica Canseco. I had never heard of Jessica, a Playboy Playmate, until recently. And all I really know about her still is that she was a Hooters girl, she might be a man, she might have compared titjobs with Roger Clemens’ wife Debbie at a party, which may be “evidence” in the Congressional investigation of the pitcher’s alleged steroid use, and she might have banged the douchiest current player in baseball, which may lead to an investigation of A-Rod’s alleged steroid use. Does that make Jessica the modern Helen of Troy? Are those tits the tits that launched a thousand ships, bringing mighty warriors to their knees?

Source Source Source

Filed under: , , , , , , , , , , ,

When Malakars Collide

March 13th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

American Idol also-ran Shyamali “Hooters” Malakar was in attendance last night at the show taping, accompanied by a greazy skeezy plus one.


GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Heeeeehh–

SHYAMALI: Are people staring at my tits?

GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Uhhhhhh–

SHYAMALI: O. M. G. People are totally staring at my tits. (squeals with excitement)

GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Baaaaaaaaaaaa–

SHYAMALI: Wait, are people staring at Paula’s old tits? Shit.

GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Burrrrrrrr–

SHYAMALI: Fuck. Me. No one is staring at my tits. Fuckity-fuck-fuck duck-fuck.

GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Fuuuuuuuuuuuu–

SHYAMALI: Why aren’t they staring at my tits??? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

SHYAMALI: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

SHYAMALI: (sniffs) At least you’re staring at my tits.

GREAZY SKEEZY PLUS ONE: Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…dude. That’s disgusting. You’re my fuckin’ sister.

Source: Fox

Filed under: , , , ,

When Worlds Collide: Tila’s Titties Talk!

January 2nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Tila Tequila at MTV’s New Year’s Eve Masquerade 2008


LEFT TITTY: Is it me, or do you look a little deflated tonight?

RIGHT TITTY: Mommy’s dress is tighter on my side.

LEFT TITTY: Riiiiiight. I find it really interesting that we come from the same place but we’re such different people.

RIGHT TITTY: At least I’m actually bisexual.

LEFT TITTY: Are not!

RIGHT TITTY: Am too!

LEFT TITTY: You stupid little bitch. No one here is bi.

RIGHT TITTY: Shut your mouth or I’ll tell Mommy.

LEFT TITTY: Like she cares. She’s already signed on for Season 2…in no time, she’ll be trading us in for better versions of ourselves.

RIGHT TITTY: She wouldn’t!

LEFT TITTY: Hello? Earth to Right Titty? Of course she would. That just how the silicone cookie crumbles.

RIGHT TITTY: Maybe she’ll find us a new home. A good home.

LEFT TITTY: I would love to land inside that Juno chick and watch her tip over.

RIGHT TITTY: Oooh! I love Ellen Page! Maybe we could win an Oscar!

LEFT TITTY: (sighs) Yes, sweetie, maybe. Let’s just try and have a good time tonight, ‘kay?

RIGHT TITTY: Oh alright. But, if…if there’s a Season 2, does that mean that things didn’t work out with Bobby? I thought their love was real.

LEFT TITTY: Sometimes I really envy your innocence. (beat) Which way to the open bar?

Source

Filed under: , , , , ,