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LIKE WOW OMG WTF LOL!!!!!!!!!
Tila Tequila has a gossip blog called MissTilaOMG.com!!! OMG!!! And like Tila, it has a VERY tenuous grip on reality!!! For example! Gossip Cop reported today that Tila posted about Drew Barrymore’s tell-all coloring book!!! And she asked her readers if they’d buy it and who exactly was the intended audience?! OMG!!! Because it, like, deals with adult themes like addiction and SEXuality!!!!!
Only problem is, the coloring book isn’t REAL!!! It’s a fake-as-Tila’s-breasts story from The Onion!!! WATCH BELOW LOL!!!!!!!
Filed under: Bad Reporting, Drew Barrymore Coloring Book, Dumbasses, Exclamation Point Abuse, Fact Checking, Fake Tits, Gossip Sites, Idiots, Miss Tila OMG, OMG, Reality Checks, Reality Has-Beens, STFU, The Onion, Tila Nguyen, Tila Tequila
After quitting Twitter Monday, citing the need “2 TAKE CARE OF MY BABY” and claiming that her time on the social network had “run it’s [sic] course,” Tila Tequila rejoined early Thursday, Radar Online reports.
This time around, however, Tila’s page is “secret.” Like, tippity Top Secret. Like Classified Information secret. Like I’d-tell-you-but-I’d-have-to-kill-you secret. Her reasoning being, as she Tweeted on her new “secret” page, to keep out the “filthy haters” and “Media peeps.”
I think it’s wonderful that Tila Tequila is finally doing something with her celebrity, by appearing in a NoH8 PSA released this week in response to the CA Supreme Court’s disappointing ruling on Prop 8 and blogging her support for gay marriage (for which she has received quite a bit of grief, see below).
Does this signal the dawn of a new-and-improved Tila Tequila? Well, after reading Tila’s blog post, “My Thoughts on Prop 8 Situation,” and her Tweets that followed, I can confidently conclude the following:
Tila’s a MARTYR FOR THE CAUSE!
The first thing I did was make a few tweets about it on my twitter page(www.twitter.com/OfficialTila). Immediately, I received an outpouring response from angry people. I felt as though I was being burnt as stake or beheaded for voicing my opinions, and I still stand tall in my beliefs. I guess times have not changed much because I very much so believe that this is TODAY’s version of “beheading” someone. Some people even had the nerve to call me “RACIST” for whatever their reasoning is just because I was disapointed in PRESIDENT OBAMA in his decisions for not supporting Gay Marriages.–from Tila’s post, “My Thoughts on Prop 8 Situation,” reposted to Global Grind
Now may I ask you all, what is the point of being in the “PUBLIC EYE” if you don’t have a voice or use that medium and take advantage of that outlet to speak your mind? I am not trying to harm anyone, nor am I trying to start a War. I am simply trying to voice my opinions on why I believe it is important for all human beings to have Equal rights. No where else in this world can I come to a new country as an immigrant, and yet be able to build a platform for myself, becoming an AMERICAN CITIZEN and having the ULTIMATE AMERCAN DREAM! Where else in this world can I enjoy such fresh freedom such as I do here? Only in AMERICA!–from “My Thoughts on Prop 8 Situation,” reposted to Global Grind
She’s a PARAGON OF COHERENCE!
Wait, what were we talking about here? Something having to do with gay marriage? I got so distracted thinking about martyrs, beheadings, Joan of Arc, the fact that I haven’t read the NY Times today (unlike some other very smart people), and tooting one’s own horn, I totally spaced on the real subject at hand.
Filed under: Gay Marriage, Gay Marriage Ban, Martyrs, Meghan McCain, NOH8 Campaign, Persecuted People, Prop 8, Shameless Self-Promotion, Tila Nguyen, Tila Tequila, Tila Tequila Censorship, Tila Tequila Twitter
Because, in response to recent census data revealing that our population numbers are shrinking in the U.S., we asked our people to start procreating. We didn’t think people would take our advice literally or that they’d start doing it, y’know, right this second. (Perhaps Tila’s uterus is magic?) But now that, uh, some people have, we’ve come to believe our disclaimer–advising people with certain conditions to disregard our procreation call–was probably not thorough enough either.
So as much as we hate a redo, because that suggests we actually made a mistake, we feel compelled to reissue that disclaimer, with some minor revisions and in a bigger font, for the hard-of-seeing:
DISCLAIMER: This advice [re: that our people should procreate] should not be heeded by teenagers, students with outstanding college loans and no job prospects, hipsters, hipster grifters, assholes, drips, people lacking in charisma, dumb people, lovers of emo, children-haters, people lacking “indoor voices,” Michelle Malkin, or mimes…as well as fame whores, reality TV “stars,” people with fake circus tits, people with dead-sounding voices lacking in inflection, clichés, terrible recording artists, and…Tila Tequila.
Y’all, I’m pretty sure the world is coming to an end, because I was just over on Twitter when I discovered this:
So we know that all of you have already gone out and purchased Tila’s roman à clef, Hooking Up with Tila Tequila. But we’re pretty sure no one has examined it quite like this:
This interpretive reading was inspired by the viral vid Kittens Inspired by Kittens and uses the same audio. Which has Tila stoked–because a free
butt plug is a free butt plug, something she may want to keep in mind as she tries to censor the internet.
Filed under: Hooking Up with Tila Tequila, Kittens Inspired by Kittens, Roman A Clef, Tila Nguyen, Tila Tequila, Tila Tequila Censorship, Tila Tequila Copyright Infringement, Tila Tequila Free Speech, Viral Videos
A little over a week ago, we received a takedown notification from Blogger telling us that Tila Tequila (and her legal team, presumably) has claimed DISGRASIAN has infringed upon her copyrights in a specific post written in April of last year. The post, coincidentally, was about the last Miley Cyrus flap, when she posed as pedobait for Vanity Fair, and it included the sage advice Tila had given Miley at the time as well as a screengrab from A Shot at Love (read it here before Tila “disappears” it). Here is a copy of the takedown notice:
The day before we received this notification, a blogger at Nerve also received a cease-and-desist letter from Tila’s people accusing the blogger of “unauthorized exploitation” of Tila’s name and image.
It sounds to us like Tila has begun a campaign to rehabilitate her image and become more mainstream. Perhaps she should have thought about that before she put titty shots of herself all over the internet, recorded crap songs like “I Like to Fuck,” wrote crap rants about the “Fuck God” that she tried to pass off as poetry, and made her dating life into a base, prurient, lowest common denominator-game show.
It also sounds a helluva lot like Tila Tequila believes in CENSORSHIP. Of the very same medium that made her, which, frankly, we find shockingly ungrateful. And while we don’t know a ton about the law, we do know that:
- Free speech is constitutional.
- We’re pretty sure that writing about and posting pictures of Tila Tequila is protected under Fair Use law.
- Just to be sure, we’re consulting legal experts in internet law at Harvard and Stanford.
- Did somebody say “takedown”?! We love a good, old-fashioned, motherfucking takedown.
In non-legalese, that means BRING IT, BITCH.
Over the holidays, I met Tila Tequila. And we had a long heart-to-heart.
We were introduced at a house party, a surprisingly low-key affair (I say “surprising” because I expected to meet her at some place like Area, where you’d never find me unless hell froze over, splintered into a million icicles, and was then cleverly marketed as a newfangled low-calorie popsicle, available in bulk at Costco). The first thing I noticed was that her tits had gotten bigger. They had also changed shape somewhat and hung down like swollen teardrops. I sighed at how fake they looked. They still resembled party balloons, but the way they look the day after a fete, when they’re drifting sadly and inevitably towards the floor. I tried not to stare at the keyhole they made out of her cleavage.
When she asked me what I did for a living, I told her that I was a writer and my friend and I had this little blog, DISGRASIAN. Her face fell, and it became clear to me that she had read all of the bitchy, harping things we had ever written about her. I was dumbstruck at first, because I didn’t think homegirl could actually read. I’d seen her “poetry,” for one thing. I might’ve felt flattered next if she didn’t look so surprised and, frankly, wounded.
I ground my molars together and prepared for a fight. I sensed a full-on H-town rumble brewing, the way a person with arthritic knees feels an incoming storm. It was going to go down like a UFC prizefight, no holds barred, nothing off-limits.
But then, incredibly, she continued with the wounded bird routine.
“How can you write that stuff about people?” she said, her voice cracking. “How can you live with yourself?”
Oh Jesus. Really? She was going there? I had readied myself to rip those sad balloon tits off with my teeth, but this? Hmm.
“Well, uh,” I began. Sputter, sputter. People? Live with myself? I willed my thoughts to kick in, the way I used to crank the ignition on my first car, a yellow, triple hand-me-down “Ho da” Civic hatchback (the “n” had fallen off before the car had gotten to me). I launched into a halting speech about what we do, making some distinction between celebutards and real people (that sounded false even to my ears), saying something about how we tried to be fair, even when we were being nasty coozes, and, at the end of the day, we were just taking the piss out of stuff, and she shouldn’t take us so seriously, because we were really nice people, nice people who were a little twisted, maybe…
But she wasn’t having any of it. She continued to look at me sadly, her falling face joining her tits in a downward-spiraling pity party. Lord. Were Diana and I really bad people? Did we really need to take a hard look at ourselves and reassess what we were doing? Did I need to go on one of those silent meditation retreats or do a master cleanse or get a colonic to purify myself of all this haterasian that I was being accused of? Even though I resisted making New Year’s resolutions, because I never manage to reach my Hardass Asian Goals and that makes me feel like shit, should I make one in 2009 to try to be a nicer, more equivocating human being?
Mercifully, I woke up then. From this nightmare. My meeting with Tila was, as they say, all a dream. But you know how, when you wake up from a particularly intense dream, you’re still enshrouded in its emotions? Maybe being a more thoughtful, less judgmental person in ’09 was not such a bad goal. A little vague, perhaps, but not bad, and probably not unattainable.
I realized once I had shaken off my dream-stupor, however, that wanting to rip Tila’s sad balloon tits off–metaphorically, of course–well, didn’t that qualify as trying to make myself a better person, in a way? By helping her be a better person, and less of a clown-whore? Wasn’t self-improvement, after all, not only about helping yourself, but helping others, too?
Gosh, I thought, this whole resolution thingy was going way better than expected. Still is. And boy do I now feel…resolved. So Happy New Year, everybody! May all your dreams in 2009–except the ones where you’re accosted by wounded, midget celebutards–come true!
This week, US Weekly nabbed an exclusive with Tila Tequila, whose book Hooking Up with Tila Tequila is in stores now, where she told the tabloid that she wants to adopt a boy.
“Sometimes I think, like, let’s just run away from Hollywood and adopt a son, and do my own thing,” she said. “But then I realize, you know what? I want to make at least another billion dollars before I adopt children so I can just focus on them.”
“ANOTHER billion dollars”? Really? I’m not so hot with numbers (I fake it pretty well, though), but doesn’t saying you want to make another billion dollars suggest that you’ve already made a billion dollars?
Dayum, Tila. A few may have bought into the idea of you being bi, but how stupid do you think people really are?
COURTENAY: I thought we were broken-up. Didn’t I cheat on you or something?
TILA: Hahahahahaha! You’re so funny! That’s why I love you! My girlfriend’s got jokes! Smile for the paps! Make it look real! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!
COURTENAY: This is getting a little old, don’t you think? By the way, your dress reminds me of a trash bag. I sorta want to dump my receipts and purse-lint into it.
TILA: Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday, dear Tila–
COURTENAY: What, what are you doing with my hair?
TILA: I’m playing with it because you’re my girlfriend. And that’s what girlfriends do. Partaaaaaaaaaaaay! We’re having so much fun! (loudly, to the assembled crowd) I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO TAKE THIS GIRL HOME AND LICK HER PUSSYYYYYYYYYY! Yum yum!
COURTENAY: Wow. I thought I was a publicity whore. But I’m starting to think that this is really beneath me. You do know that no one believes you’re gay, right?
TILA: When I play with your hair, nobody notices that your eyes are crossed! Yippeeeeeeee!
COURTENAY: Sigh. (to the paps) Do you guys mind taking the picture? I’d like to finish this up, then go home, draw a nice warm bath, put on some Sarah McLachlan, slit my wrists lengthwise, and call it a day, okay?
Tila Tequila told a group of paps outside of L.A. club Coco de Ville this week that she and girlfriend of two months, Courtenay Semel, are over. Tila went on to say that “many numerous” (aka “a bunch of a lot of”) sources had informed her that Courtenay has a
wonk wall crossed wandering eye.
Which means Tila is probably nursing a broken heart (she’s human, right?). But how is she dealing with the break-up, we wonder? Is she…
Weeping on the couch in old, tangy-smelling sweats, popping Dibs, and watching Lifetime movies starring Jenna Elfman?
Renewing her gym membership to work on her core?
Taking up crochet? Listening to the Judds’ Greatest Hits? Becoming a vegan?
Reconsidering her decision not to host the third season ofA Shot at Love?
Hmm. Our guess is…
Crochet. Definitely crochet. We imagine she could knit a lean, mean thongkini if she really set her mind to it. And she always did seem like an arts-and-craftsy kinda gal, don’t you think?
The Cowboys lost yesterday to the Redskins, putting a major damper on all the too-early-in-the-season-Super-Bowl-chatter. In related news, I learned this week that the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Barbie only comes in three flavors: vanilla (“Caucasian”), chocolate (“African-American”), and coffee (“Hispanic”). Is the first Cowboys loss of the season and this doll-item related? Probably not. (Dallas’ bullshit-secondary is the more likely culprit.)
But what the F is up with that, Big D? What about all those little Asian girls who want to grow up to be fake-breasted, skimpy outfit-wearing, dirty dancing-hobags, risking disownment and alienasian from their families? Who will they model themselves after?