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What’s up, girl? We just read that you turned yourself in to the police last month, and just got arrested, in association with the February burglaries of celebutards Audrina Patridge and Lindsay Lohan–aka the Hollywood Hills “Burglar Bunch” string of celebrity heists.
So okay, there are just a couple of teensy things that your big sistaz here at DISGRASIAN have to say (if we may):
First of all, we can’t condone crime, baby. That shit is not good for our collective AZN rep. Stealing is especially frowned upon (unless it’s of the spotlight, the glory, or some dirty bitch’s boyfriend) because it reads as really desperate, sad behavior. Our peeps—we aren’t desperate! We shouldn’t steal stuff cuz we should have stuff. We don’t need stuff, we’ve got good stuff. And if we want more stuff, we just do reallyreallyreally well at something and get a bunch of money and then buy that stuff. Know what we mean?
Secondly, bravo on turning yourself in. That shows a bit of penance, or at least the smarts to build leverage before you and your buddies get threatened with prison time and beaten and forced to narc like crazy on each other until y’all are facing life without the possibility of parole or something. Did your parents make you hand yourself over to the fuzz? Wait–do your parents EVEN KNOW YOU [ALLEGEDLY] ROBBED A COUPLE OF CELEBRITIES YET?!? Or do they think you’re off at college or something and just not returning phone calls about your grades? If not, whoa, sister. We don’t know you, but our spare room is open if you get released and need to hide/crash somewhere for the rest of your life. Shit.
Third and finally, did you manage to steal anything good? From Lohan’s house, we mean (we’ve got no interest in Patridge’s extensive collection of skanky mini-dresses). There’s gotta be some crazy shit up in that hellhole! Anyway, let us know… we’re, um, just curious!
Keep ya head up, girl.
Filed under: Audrina Patridge, Bad Behavior, Burglary, Celebutards, Criminals, Disappointing Your Parents, Lindsay Lohan, Penance, Rachel Lee, Ruh-Roh, Skanks, Stealing, The Fuzz, Theft, Turning Yourself In
The NY Times reports that last week, Yale and Juilliard-trained violinist Tom Chiu fell asleep on a subway platform in Brooklyn Heights and awoke to find his extremely valuable 1913 violin, handmade by Stefano Scarampella, stolen.
Not only did Chiu, a member of the experimental group the Flux Quartet, have to deal with the loss of his violin, which he considered an “extension” of his body, he also had to answer to his Hardass Asian Parents:
“…My parents had been robbed at the Hong Kong airport about a month before. They turned away from their cart and somebody took a handbag with their passports. They were blaming me that I didn’t learn from their lesson.”
Fortunately for Chiu, the thief had a conscience, and returned the Scarampella to a station in Coney Island.
Click here for full story.
Avant-garde noise addicts the world over can rest easy now that Chiu’s violin has been returned. Click here to listen to “For Balloon and String Quartet: Second Movement” by the Flux Quartet and Judy Dunaway. But I’m warning you, it’s a little maddening. If Hitchcock were alive today, he’d probably set a movie to it.
(Thanks to G-Unit for the tip!)