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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Ann Curry
Our pal Angry Asian Man haaaaates it when we make fun of Ann Curry, because he’s got a mad crush on the Today show anchor, who turns 53 today.
But the truth is, we do, too.
There’s something ineffably charming about her, whether it’s her repeatedly wishing you a good morning or her oogly-love for Brad Pitt that makes her go all fangirl during an interview. We’ve called her a robot time and again, yet we can’t actually remember how that got started in the first place–must have something to do with how perfect she always seems (and certainly how perfect her lipstick always is).
She’s just trying soooooo hard alllllll the time, y’know?
She should get points for that. And since it’s her birthday, we’re only going to say nice things about Ann. Here goes:
Ann, baby. You turn 53 today, and you look fuckin’ amazing. Please email us the name and number of your derm when you get a chance. You seem like a nice person, way nicer than us, all oozy with compassion, even when you’re talking to hideous fame trolls like Octomom, i.e. people we’d rather punch in the face. Your voice, that silky, smooth alto, could soothe the bloodlust of famished baby hyenas. We kid and we tease you only out of love. Now please don’t stop doing ridiculous things like really awkward hip-hop dancing or attempting to scale one of the world’s tallest, cruelest mountains or inappropriately touching movie stars’ faces, or we won’t have anything fun to write about anymore. Oh, and happy birthday!
Filed under: Ann Curry, Asian News Anchors, Birthdays, Hardhitting Journalists, Mixed People, Perfect People, Robots, The Today Show
With My Mind on My Malkin and My Malkin on My Mind
DIANA’S THOUGHT PROCESS WHILE WATCHING MICHELLE MALKIN’S RECENT INTERVIEW WITH MATT LAUER (IN PROMOTION OF HER NEW BOOK, CULTURE OF CORRUPTION):
Boy, am I hungry. I wonder if–Whoa. Wow! Those are some teeth! Jesus H.! Michelle Malkin, you do have some fascinating food grinders in that yapper of yours. Do those teeth even fit in that mouth? You work so hard to just streeeetccchhh the top lip, juuust over the rabbit fronts… Do be do be doooo… Oh crap, I’ve got a split end. Where did I put my small scissors? Ope–there’s the new book. OHYEAH…Rah! Corruption in the White House! That’s a new one! Hmm… Book cover could be more clever, for chrissake. Do better, Michelle! Don’t go hiring these up-and-coming graphic designers, that’s just a kind word for “in college!” Oh man. Choppers. Look at her struggle to keep ‘em covered. Her poor lips must be exhausted. Come to think of it, I’m pretty tired… Oh gosh, I never noticed it before, but Matt Lauer is kind of adorable when he’s befuddled and seething with disgust. He hates her. Look how he just totally fucking hates her crazy face… Oh my. Relax that right foot, Michelle! Relax it! You look like you’re about to get up and do a jig!… Ah… Could totally go for some chiclets right now. So strangely in the mood… Oh Mirkin. Slow the fuck down. Your teeth are getting ahead of you now. You’re motoring through your schtick faster than you can jig!… Anyhoozle… I wonder what Jen’s up to right now. She would hate Malkin’s eyebrows. Heck, I do. This gal is wound up so tight! Ohmygaw I JUST realized what she reminds me of! That smug, long-necked, grim chick in my sixth grade class–What was her name? Leslie? Melissa?–who was always worked into a frenzy before giving presentations; she’d always be so intense and jacked up about speaking that she’d just end up shouting every word at the class like an angry Asian grandma with a failure for a grandson, at all times forcing herself to smile. That smile was like a crack in paint, just WRONG. How creepy was she? Also, what was her stupid name again?… This interview is awkward. So awkward. This is worse than Amy Adams on Letterman the other night… Anyway. I wonder if it takes Michelle Malkin longer to floss than most people. Can she use those floss sticks, still? I bet so. Oh man, Lauer is getting an earful. I bet his ears hurt, cuz creepy-crazy-smile-face won’t stop yelling at him! Oh, look how proud she is of that rhetoric. Look! She can’t wait to go home and write about in her diary blog. She should spellcheck more. Oh crap, I should spellcheck more, too. Is it spell check? Or spellcheck? I can’t imagine that spellcheck was a word 100 years ago. But hey, I’ve been wrong before. Once or twice. Good gracious, is this over yet? Matt Lauer looks like he’s about to reach over and shake a bitch. Why do female right-wing pundits always open their eyes as wide as saucers? It’s so crackhead! It makes me nervous! Oh lawd. I’m too hungry for this. Thank god it’s over. Where can I get a breakfast burrito right now?
xo, Miz!
Filed under: Awkward Interviews, Culture of Corruption, Matt Lauer, Michelle Malkin, People Who Don't Seem To Believe Their Own Words, Right Wing Nutjobs, Shouting, The Today Show, Wack Theorists
DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Mount Kilimanjaro
Shame on you, Mount Kilimanjaro. Shame on you for being inhospitable with your, like, superior verticality and your weather conditions and your painfully thin air, thwarting Ann Curry’s heroically brave and selfless effort to summit you this week. She was only trying to be a good person and show Today Show viewers how your glaciers have melted and we’re killing the environment etcetera etcetera, and how do you repay her? By giving her altitude sickness and making her too weak to climb to the top. Who do you think you are, Kilimanjaro? The Queen of Frickin’ England?
Because of your colossal prickitude, Ann was unable to deliver a hardhitting “Ends of the Earth” special report about global warming and, instead, she was forced to give viewers FIVE INSTALLMENTS of a NONSTOP PITY PARTY. Where she talked about her “pain” and her “suffering” and the fact that she couldn’t shower for nine days! Where she had to report on stuff like her headaches–do you know of anything more boring than talk about headaches? And you made her eyes puffy for chrissakes! Why would you do that? Ann is sooo pretty. She works really hard to look that way, especially at the age of 52, and you WRECKED it. Speaking of Ann’s age, how about the fact that Ann sacrificed her own birthday (which was Wednesday, not that you care) to be with you?! Well?
You do realize that Ann has a sterling reputation as a serious journalist to uphold, don’t you? Didn’t you ever see her interview with Brad Pitt, where she accidentally gave away the Jolie-Pitts’ Christmas plans and only managed to interrupt him about five times? What do you have to say for yourself? Don’t look at me like that, Kilimanjaro, with that blank “Who Me?” expression on your face. You know what you did. You were a mean heartless bitch to our girl Ann Curry. And for that, we will never forgive you.
What, you’re still here? Go on. Scram. Take a hike!
Filed under: Ann Curry, Hardhitting Journalists, Headaches, Journalasianists, Leave That Goddam Sacred Mountain Alone, Matt Lauer, Mount Kilimanjaro, Mountain Climbing, Pity Parties, Tanzania, The Today Show
What A Curr-ageous Robot
As you know, Jen and I can’t help but be fascinated by Ann Curry, the smooth-faced robot. There are so many things about her we don’t understand–like how a person can wear so much lipstick with nary a tooth smear or chin smudge–and we’ve simply been unable to decide whether or not we like her. She’s just so… Ann Curry.
Perhaps part of the reason we’ve never decided to disgrace or embrace Ann is that up until now, her Asianness seemed kind of irrelevant. Sure, you could argue that robots are Asian–but I would argue back that robots just happen to be loved by Asians. They’re really just emotionaless piles of metal waiting take over the humanoid planet, which is an idea we kinda fancy, for some reason.
I digress.
Today, I watched this video of Ann Curry discussing her resolve to set foot on the South Pole (as part of The Today Show’s “At the Ends of the Earth” stunt) even though a week’s worth of incredibly prohibitive weather conditions were standing in the way. And it hit me: This bitch isn’t going to give up. She’s so resolved. She’s so unwilling to fail. She’s so fucking Asian. I love her.
So there you go, it’s decided–even though she can’t dance, she’s on my good side. For now.
Filed under: Ann Curry, Crazyfaces, Everybody Loves a Winner, Failing Isn't Asian, Lofty Goals, Meredith Viera is a Wimp, Robots, The Today Show
How to Not Ann Curry Favor
Diana and I haven’t really decided how we feel about Ann Curry. I find that when she’s doing interviews, I’m always more distracted by the color and quantity of lipstick she’s wearing and her mysteriously unlined face (she’s mos def using Anti-Asian cream and, I imagine, Nicole Kidman’s derm). She’s also a robot, and, as you all know by now, we kinda dig robots. Click the screen grab from this morning’s Today Show of Ann doing the robot dance:
One the one hand, we admire how game she is. And yes, we would kill for that bod. But on the other, homegirl’s got NO RHYTHM to speak of.
(Thanks jRu!)
Filed under: Ann Curry, Anti-Agin' Asian, Half-Asian Chicks Can't Dance, Killer Bods, Lipstick Abuse, The Today Show, This Makes Me Uncomfortable, We Are a Part of a Rhythm Nation
