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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Hines Ward

September 20th, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Jen

Name: Hines Ward

Occupation: Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver and newly-appointed member of the President’s Advisory Commission on Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders

Known for: Four Pro Bowl selections; a pair of Super Bowl hardware; being voted Super Bowl XL MVP; Steelers career records for receptions, receiving yards, and receiving TDs; donating $1 million to create the Helping Hands Foundation, which works to improve literacy among children in the U.S. and, in Korea, fights discrimination against biracial youth like Hines, who’s Korean and African-American; being Amazian of the Week twice; making Diana smile every Sunday; reprezenting in the Obama administration.

Also named to the President’s Advisory Commission on Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders? The unstoppable Ramey Ko–fellow Texasian, municipal judge, founder of Asian Americans for Obama, and hero of that unfortunate Betty Brown name-changing kerfuffle. Congratulasians, Ramey!

For a complete list of the President’s Advisory Commission on Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders appointees, click here.

[USA Today: Barack Obama appoints Steelers' Hines Ward to presidential council]

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Thank You Football Gods, i.e. Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo Are No Mo’

July 13th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Dear Football Gods,

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

To those heathens who say that the Football Gods don’t exist, I say, “I pity the fool.”

To those blasphemers who would call Tony Romo breaking up with Jessica Simpson two weeks before training camp “coincidence” rather than “divine intervention,” I call bullshit.

To the non-believers who think that Romo breaking up with Jessica Simpson one day before her 29th birthday was stone cold, I think…damn, that was kinda cold, dude. Ouch.

But having ice in your veins and winning championships go together like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong, so I realize this is all part of your Great Plan, Football Gods.

So I praise you and I say…

So long to Bad Fuck Charms! Bring on Super Bowl XLIV! And Hallelujah, bitches!!!

[People: Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split]

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Ariko Iso

February 2nd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Name: Ariko Iso

Age: 37

Occupation: Assistant Athletic Trainer for the Pittsburgh Steelers

Known for: Being the NFL’s first full-time female trainer, making her just the third woman to hold the job in all male professional sports. Since joining the team in 2002, she has seen the players through two Super Bowl matches–and as confirmed yesterday, two corresponding Super Bowl victories.

Keeping players healthy and strong throughout an NFL season is no joke. The “pioneer” has been hard at work for the last five months… we sure hope that on this Monday, she slept in and savored the success.

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Oh, Plaxico Burr-ass

December 2nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Plaxico, Plaxico, Plaxico.

You’ve got it all. A badass name that only an NFL player or urban mayor could rock. A Super Bowl ring that you’re basically responsible for. NFL receiving records. Height, speed, strength. Fame, fortune, success. The VaGiants couldn’t be looking better (You’re 11-1 ? Who’da thunk it?)–confidence has taken y’all far.

Oh wait, there’s more on your plate: For instance, a self-inflicted gunshot wound and probably a mandatory three-and-a-half year jail sentence for carrying an illegal handgun in New York. Wow! That’s a lot! (Also, bad news for the VaGiants!)

Plaxico, ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY? More importantly, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Do you hate freedom? Do you hate being celebrated? Do you hate holding your head up high? Do you hate being blown more than the Sahara Desert sands by football groupies?

Maybe, deep down, you just hate Eli Manning, and fucking up before playoffs is your twisted way of sticking it to him. Perhaps you’re just trying to prove Amani Toomer right by being a real fucking distraction, instead of proving him wrong and looking like the real man.

I ask this because I cannot understand why a star athlete such as yourself–with only a few weeks in the season left to behave in the season–should fuck up so royally. Didn’t the suspension teach you anything? Doesn’t winning mean anything to you? I hate to say it, but you could have it all. Correction: you could have had it all.

I don’t know what else to say, dude. I don’t understand you, and think you should really be ashamed of yourself for pissing away the great, god-given talent and opportunities laying in your royal lap. Goddamn!

Also, now, I’m really, really, really glad that you’re not on my team anymore.

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Rock of Congratulasians

February 6th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

We like to think that it was solely the combined influence of DISGRASIAN and Angry Asian Man readerships that stole the top honor in the Crash the Superbowl contest for Kina Grannis.

But even if we weren’t the only ones that helped tip the scales, we sure were proud as parents when we saw her music video during the first half of last Sunday’s big game.

If you happened to miss it because you were too busy stuffing carbs down your gullet, watch the vid now:

Let us all tip our hats to the Kina! Congratulasians on her new record deal!

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Super Bro

February 4th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Anybody that knows me is familiar with the my semi-irrational distaste for the illustrious football family, The Mannings. There are a slew of reasons, most of them having to do with Peyton and his dubious leadership abilities. But I’ll be honest, I tend to just sniff my nose at all of the Mannings–except the oldest (the only one without a Super Bowl ring)–just ‘cuz of how freakin’ dopey they seem.

It gets a little complicated with Eli. At the beginning of the season his game was looking pretty off. And for the most part, he just has this nerdy little face, and small goofy body, and whenever he throws an incomplete he makes this dumb expression that isn’t tough and isn’t pissed, it’s just “Aww, man!”

Like this:

“Aww, man!”

Most of the time, all I wanna do is shake the poor kid and grunt, “Sack up, buddy! SACK THE F*CK UP. Be a QB. Be cool! Be anything but ‘Aww, man’ guy!”

On the other hand, I’m not made of stone; I’ve always maintained the tiniest soft spot for little Eli. There’s something about the fact that he’s spent so much of his life living in his brother’s shadow. I’ve always imagined that being Eli in the Manning family is a little like being me in mine (i.e. failing), to the Nth degree. Can you imagine the dinner table? “Hey Peyton, my boy, have some more potatoes! And uh… you… what’s your name… Not-Peyton, can you go grab some more RC Cola from the fridge?”

In any other family, Eli would be the golden child. Starting quarterback of the New York Giants? That would warrant some serious mommy news clippings and daddy boasting around town. But for a really long time, poor E was just a kid whose brother happened to be in all of the NFL commercials. He got his butt kicked (literally) in their shared ESPN commercial. He cracked under the pressure of having big bro in the stands as he faced off with the Vikings in November. And if it wasn’t his mom and dad asking him, it was the world…

Why can’t you be more like your brother? “Aww, man!”

He was a somebody that kinda seemed like a nobody.

That is, until yesterday.

“AHHHH! I’M THE MANNING!”

Thanks to Little Eli, those arrogant, cheating Disgratriots now have only their 18-1 season to brag about until next season. And I must say, huffing and puffing about a near-perfect record is pretty fuzzin’ hard to do when someone else is holding up the Super Bowl MVP trophy. It was simply the ultimate coup–and something Big Brother Peyton couldn’t even do.

Here’s to lil’ sibling comeuppance.

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Accent Eliminasian

February 4th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Angry Asian Man first warned y’all about this Salesgenie.com Super Bowl ad, which aired yesterday to the tune of $90,000 per second and illustrates the all-too-familiar plight of immigrants with small businesses struggling to make ends meet:



And while everyone’s now talking about why this commercial is ricist, I want to focus on something else. Something important. Something really important:

Why the Panda Psychic does not have an accent.

A few theories…

  1. The Panda Psychic was adopted by English speakers at a young, pre-verbal age.
  2. The Panda Psychic is first-generasian. She was born in the States and is like any other red-blooded, Doritos-eating, gigantic pearl necklace-wearing American.
  3. The Panda Psychic bought an accent eliminasian CD-ROM for $49.95 and lost her accent in 28 days.
  4. The Panda Psychic is pretty. Pretty pandas don’t talk weird.
  5. Wait, what’s a CD-ROM again?
  6. Salesgenie.com is actually a subversive political organization that challenges stereotyping through bogus television advertising. One of the group’s many goals is to raise the bar on our discourse about race and identity. They know that what’s racist is the belief that ALL pandas speak in THE SAME ching-chong accents. I mean, jeez, what’s next…that all pandas look alike, too?

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