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The Geisha iPhone App: Useless Applicasians

February 3rd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

I hate iPhone apps. I only have Facebook and Pandora on my phone, because I don’t want to masturbate all day with it. Isn’t it enough that I simply have a phone? (Remember when Diana prayed to the Technology God to give me an iPhone? Well, it worked. Believe in the power of prayer, kids.) Do I need it to be a harmonica, too? Do I really need it to tell me my mood (answer: no, because I’m usually pissed off) and calculate a tip for me (answer: no, because one should never be too lazy to do simple math)? And can someone please tell me what is so amazing about that stupid chalk man and why I would want to see him dancing around like a bone-less, cracked-out raver? Or what, pray tell, is so cool about making my phone fart?

Grrrrrr.

Whatever. I get that that’s my issue. I guess it’s also my issue that I don’t get the Geisha iPhone app. She’s a geisha! And she dances just for you! Yeah, she dances just for you. Imagine a horrible version of The Robot crossed with Benjamin Button’s glide-step when he was on crutches accompanied by ching-chongy music that will make you seriously contemplate ritual suicide. I know this because I had to buy the damn thing to bag on it and now it’s cluttering my phone and, I fear, my life.

Grrrrrrr. Again.

But why stop at geishas? Why not have a stripper app? Or better yet, a lap dance app? Why not have the iPhone also be a dildo? It already vibrates, so you’re halfway there.

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I, Robot

December 30th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

“Hell. o. My name is. Mc. Kenzie. Ross. I am. Ann. Curry’s daugh. ter. This is me. in Teen Vogue. I am made. from the same parts. as. my mother. and. this Vespa. I cannot. dance. either. Not even the. robot dance. But people say. I have nice. human-looking. skin. And my teeth look as real. as Hilary Duff’s. It is a pleasure. to make. your acquaintance.”

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