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I don’t really care one way or the other when it comes to the Olsen Twins. Wait–I actually don’t think you’re actually supposed to call them “the Olsen Twins” anymore; they prefer you call them “Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen,” or “The Olsens,” but aren’t they in fact twins? It all sounds like a waste of brain space to me.
All I know is that Jen dressed up as MK a few years ago for Halloween, and this other girl Zooey did the same the following year, and they both looked wan and swathed in fabric and faaaaaaaaaaaabulous. Playing a billionaire skinny midge with both a caffeine and Balenciaga problem is FUN. Which is why when Jen put on an enormous, draping, sweater robe in our Boston hotel the other night (during the Harvard stop of this week’s DISGRASIAN tour), I delighted in her resemblance to the Troubled Olsen.
Can’t picture it? She looked almost exactly like this:
DIANA: We don’t really talk much about the Olsen twins.
JEN: Wait, wait… it’s just “the Olsens” now. Silent “twins.”
DIANA: Right. We don’t talk about those dudes.
JEN: What’s there to say? They’re midgets, they’re probably still anorexic, they hate smiling with teeth, they have poor posture, they love coffee-to-go and fashion shows, it’s a wonder that they don’t ever topple over in those Balenciaga platforms.
DIANA: So they don’t bother you at all?
JEN: Hold on a minute. You know midgets scare me.
DIANA: That’s true.
JEN: But I do love me some Balenciaga.
DIANA: True! But they don’t really do anything. Besides go to lunch and grease up their hair and drink Venti drips from Starbucks, that is.
JEN: That Venti cup is so gauche. Who needs that much of a beverage? Ugh. That shit disgusts me.
DIANA: So we hate them?
JEN: I mean, I kinda nothing them. They do nothing. They nothing me.
DIANA: You did look kinda cute when you dressed up as Mary-Kate for Halloween.
JEN: I’m cute, though. It wasn’t the costume.
DIANA: Right. Y’know, MK has really improved with the slight weight gain. She’s look less like a homely skeleton freak show and more like a garden gnome these days.
JEN: You always did like Ashley better.
DIANA: She seemed more, y’know, together. More so than Mary-Kate at least [Makes cuckoo motion with finger around right ear]. But I’m coming around. I might even be starting to feel half-positive feelings for Mary-Kate.
[Diana shrugs shoulders]
JEN: [clicks on new paparazzi photo of MK leaving a West Village restaurant] Oh. Girl. Backtrack a bit. The gnome is rocking a little dragon lady racial drag underneath her fur.
DIANA: [Gasps] Fur and Racial Drag! A Double whammy! She should be shot.
JEN: Like that animal she’s wearing was.
DIANA: Don’t make me puke.
JEN: So MK makes our hitlist today. Thanks to the paparazzi photo.
DIANA: Tell me again why people take this girl’s picture?
In the Thursday No Styles section of the NYT, it was reported that designer Phillip Lim, who was recently named fashism’s hottest emerging talent by the CFDA (another one of our peeps, Derek Lam, won for best accessories), had said it was “unfair” that the Olsen Twins, who presented at the CFDAs, were becoming “designers.”
In addition to peddling sweatshop goods at Walmart, the Twins have a label called “The Row” and “Elizabeth and James,” as well as…BILLIONS of dollars. (Remind me, again, why I went to college?) Normally, I would say that the Limster is suffering from a case of sour grapes-itis, except…he’s FREAKIN’ RIGHT.
Click here for full story.
Turbans are hot for spring!