DISGRASIAN™

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Chan "Hot" Park

In the NLCS, I’m rooting for our hometown Dodgers–who lost Game 1, 8-6, to the Phillies Thursday and were shutout in the 7th by Chan Ho Park–but I’m also root-root-rooting for Chan Ho’s sexxxy beard.

Also a fan of Beards? Visit the official Facebook Beards Fan Page.

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Filed under: Asian Baseball Players, Beards, Chan Ho Park, Comebacks, MLB, Philadelphia Phillies, The Los Angeles Dodgers

Manny, This Sucks.

Dear Manny,

I want to believe that you started taking the women’s fertility drug H.C.G. because you had some harebrained idea that you could make a buck or two being the first pregnant man that is also a professional baseball player. Maybe you thought you could hit a few homers with Manny Jr. in your tum-tum. That’s actually very sweet.

But I don’t believe that. I believe that you’ve been trying to cover up your juicing. You are a cheater. You may be a good guy on the inside, but you’re a cheater all over.

It makes the Dodgers sad. It’s got my bestie Colin, the world’s biggest Doyers fan, practically in tears. The residents of Mannywood are left destitute. The Sports Guy and his kid may never recover. I don’t even want to know what Jen is thinking about how these actions reflect on her BoSox–and the two World Series you shared with them–right now.

Cheating hurts people, dude. If you aren’t already, you should be severely ashamed of yourself.

Cuz everyone else is ashamed of you.

Said sadly,
Diana

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So sorry, Colin…

Filed under: Asterisks, Beyond Shame, Boston Red Sox, Cheaters, Disappointing Everyone, Disappointment, Fertility Drugs, HCG, Hormones, Manny Ramirez, Pregnant Man, Sadness, Suspension, The Los Angeles Dodgers

BABEWATCH: Chan Ho Park

Name: Chan Ho Park

Hails from: South Korea

Occupation: Professional baseball pitcher

Why He’s a Babe: Because Park instigated one of the most memorable and unusual fights in MLB history back in ‘99 as a Dodger when he tae kwon “doh”ed Rockies first baseman Tim Belcher for tagging him hard on a bunt. And because, after an illustrious start to his career, Park–the first Korean-born MLB pitcher in history–has battled injuries and getting sent down to the minors on numerous occasions, and is still fighting for a spot on the Dodger roster this season. Plus, not getting to sign autographs really makes Chan “Hulk” Park angry…and how many big leaguers can you say that about?

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Filed under: Chan Ho Park, Hot Asian Men, I Love L.A., Major League Baseball, Pitchers, Tae Kwon Do, The Los Angeles Dodgers

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Mo’ Nomo

For me, there’s probably no mo’ poignant a player in baseball than Hideo Nomo, who signed a minor league contract with the Kansas City Royals Friday. The 39 year-old pitcher is attempting an MLB comeback after being out of the bigs for three years.

I’ve lived in Los Angeles through both of Nomo’s stints with the Dodgers. The first one, beginning in 1995, was magical. I wasn’t really a baseball fan then, and I never saw him play at Dodger Stadium during that period, which I regret. But I remember, however, being shocked and captivated by the fact that, in America, 50,000 people in a major league ballpark would chant a Japanese dude’s name over and over like it was a sacred mantra. As a rookie, Nomo dominated, leading the league in strikeouts, starting the All-Star game, and winning National League Rookie of the Year. Nomo-mania infected everyone, even people like me, who mistakenly thought baseball was boring. Nobody was in the local news more except for O.J. Simpson.

The next year, he pitched a no-hitter at Coors Field, a feat never duplicated in that batter-friendly, mile-high park, and Nike named a shoe after him. But then things started going south. His delivery became, pardon the expression, less inscrutable to batters. He was traded after an abysmal start in 1998 and bounced around from one team to another (five total) and all up and down the minor league chain. When he returned to L.A. in 2002, I–now a budding baseball nut–like so many others, viewed this as both a homecoming and a shot at redemption. And his first season back, he was very good, showing flashes of the old Nomo, unreadable, untouchable. In his second, he was not so dominant. He gave up a lot of walks and hits when he was off, sometimes looking like a pitcher blindfolded. I remember more than a few times screaming his name, but not in a good way. No Nomo! No! No! Mooooooooooooo!

After shoulder surgery and racking up the worst ERA in baseball history for a pitcher with 15 decisions the next season, Nomo was bounced from L.A. a second time and became a baseball nomad once more, signing with three different teams before disappearing off the radar in 2005. In 2007, he played briefly in Venezuela.

Thirteen years after he threw open the doors for Japanese ballers to play here, Nomo starts over. I really want him to kick ass, although I can’t imagine how he will, given his age and history of injuries, unless he’s gotten his mitts on some of Roger Clemens’s juice. Sometimes I wonder what goes on inside Nomo’s head, how he wraps his mind around the high highs and low lows of his roller coaster career, whether or not he’s sad and depressed, and what he hopes to achieve in this comeback, but what I do know is that I’d like to hear 50,000 people cheer for him one more time, and I’m pretty sure he’d like that, too.

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Filed under: Comebacks, Hideo Nomo, Japanese Ballers, Major League Baseball, People Who Paved the Way, The Los Angeles Dodgers