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Everyone knows Justin Bieber has a badass bodyguard who’ll fuck you up if you try to harm a hair on the Biebs’ $750 coiffure. Which explains why the various Bieber-hater clans of the Internet resorted to hiring ninjas to infiltrate last night’s Grammys and destroy him.
The mercenaries came to the totally culturally irrelevant awards ceremony armed with throwing stars, poison darts, and their cloaks of invisibility to carry out their mission (and possibly catch a glimpse of Gaga getting hatched from an egg before, a sight not even ninjas get to see every day). But not long after the chorus to Bieber’s hit “Never Say Never” kicked in with “and there’s just no turning back/when your heart’s under attack,” the ninjas hired to kill the 16 year-old pop sensation realized that that was exactly what was happening to them.
Their cold ninja hearts were under attack, besieged with fever…Bieber Fever.
Filed under: Beliebers, Bieber, Bieber Fans Attack Esperanza Spalding's Wikipedia, Bieber Fans More Deadly Than Ninjas, Bieber Haters, Canadians, Crazy Bieber Fans, Esperanza Spalding, Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber Ninja Backup Dancers, Lady Gaga Hatches From an Egg, Mercenaries, Ninjas, Ninjas Have Bieber Fever, Teen Pop Sensations, the Biebs, The Grammys, Usher, Who the Fuck Says Who the Heck Anyway?
Okay, so the Silversun Pickups were nominated for a Grammy (in the category of Best New Artist, which ultimately went to the Zac Brown Band) and didn’t win. That kinda sucks, unless you believe in the “Best New Artist Curse,” in which case you may have been rooting against these adorable kids the whole time.
If anything, watching the Pickups attend their first big awards show (see video of their red carpet entrance below) served up a good lesson–albeit a hard lesson–in “winning isn’t everything.”
Filed under: Alanis Morisette, Awards Shows, Best New Artist, Best New Artist Curse, Beyonce, Grammys 2010, Knapsack, Pink, Silversun Pickups, The Grammys, The Grammys Are A Music Mockery, Winning Isn't Everything, Zac Brown Band
A few months ago, model/indie darling Agyness Deyn–who can pull off fug clothes–was photographed in a memorable Henry Holland dress that made her look as though she were on her way to entertain at a children’s birthday party before snorting rails with Boy George, having a colorful breakdown, and then checking herself into a mental institution.
Last night, a 9 months-pregnant M.I.A. performed at the Grammys with Jay-Z, Kanye, T.I., and Lil Wayne in the same dress. While some are hating on the garment–as though a model out on the town was still wearing it rather than an artist about to pop–I think it could quite possibly be the bitchin’est maternity dress I’ve ever seen.
MILEY: Guys, I’m so glad you’re here tonight. It means so much to me. It’s times like these when you really need good friends around you who know your heart. I’m so glad I can count on y’all.
GUY IN THE TIE: Dude, what? You paid us $100 to be in the picture.
MILEY: Just remember–no goofy faces, okay?
GUY WITH THE GOATEE: Like what do you mean?
MILEY: I mean, keep your eyes open real wide. Don’t, like, squint or laugh too hard or look like you’re sleepy. Do your eyes like (pointing to the LADY IN THE STRIPEY DRESS)…like her.
LADY IN THE STRIPEY DRESS: What do you mean “do” your eyes like me? What am I doing with my eyes exactly?
MILEY: You’re making them really really big.
LADY IN THE STRIPEY DRESS: No I’m not.
MILEY: Are too.
LADY IN THE STRIPEY DRESS: I’m not “doing” anything to them. This is how my eyes look.
MILEY: Hunh. That’s weird. I thought all of you had small eyes. You must use really great eye makeup.
LADY IN THE STRIPEY DRESS: Is that supposed to be some kind of joke?
GUY WITH THE GOATEE: Hey, Miley, do you think you could kick in a gift bag on top of the $100 bucks you gave us to pose in this picture? I’d love to take one home to my wife.
MILEY: Uh, I don’t know. I mean, this gift bag’s mine, and it has my favorite aromatherapy scented candle in it. And they’re kinda only giving these to celebrities.
LADY IN THE STRIPEY DRESS: While you’re at it, could I get your autograph for my daughter? God knows why she still likes you after this latest flap, but she does. Idiot kid.
MILEY: Guys, what’s with all the requests all of a sudden? I thought we were friends!
GUY WITH THE GLASSES: Don’t forget that we’re doing you the favor here. If you want us to pose in a picture with you so people will stop saying you’re racist, the least you could do is pony up a coupla gift bags. And a few autographs. In fact, what you should really be doing is kissing our yellow asses in the hopes that you haven’t completely alienated the world’s biggest consumer demo.
MILEY: You guys are being so mean! I was so not making fun of any ethnicity! I don’t even know what that word means! I’m only 16, gimme a break! I don’t know right from wrong from stupid! I thought you knew my heart!
GUY IN THE TIE: Wow is this pointless. There’s no reasoning with fools, I guess. (sighing) Just take the picture.
Further proof that Asian ladies are the hottest, baddest, hardest muthafuckin’ women on Earth: M.I.A. announced that she will perform at the Grammys on Sunday, THE DAY HER BABY IS DUE.
Congratulasians to Amy Winehouse for her 5 Grammy wins! We’re so happy she worked out her visa issues and was allowed to attend the awards show. It seems as though rehab has been good to Winehouse; she’s put on a little weight, she’s got teeth, her weave looks tight, and she strangely resembles one of us!