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Step 1: SMILE. Smile when you’re mad, smile when you’re sad, smile when you’re pissed, smile when you’ve been kissed.
Step 2: Always think of the children.
Step 3: Love yo’ mama.
Step 5: Be light on your feet and smooth in your hips.
Step 6: Win whenever possible.
Step 7: If you and a friend are held up at gunpoint by NoHo police due to a mix-up regarding said friend’s Honda Civic, which was mistakenly reported stolen, cooperate like a stand-up citizen. Never devolve into a self-aggrandized asshole jerk that says, “Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? You wanna how many Super Bowl rings I got, ya fuckin’ pig?? I’m gonna go all James Harrison on your ass!” AND after the Continue reading Seven Steps To Being A Perfect Gentlemasian Like Hines Ward
Filed under: Ben Roethlisberger, Blasians, Charity, Dancing With the Stars, DWTS, Hines Ward Is The Adorablest, Hines Ward Korean Mother, James Harrison, Nice Guys, Non-Profits, Pittsburgh Steelers, Smiley Guys, The Fuzz
What’s up, girl? We just read that you turned yourself in to the police last month, and just got arrested, in association with the February burglaries of celebutards Audrina Patridge and Lindsay Lohan–aka the Hollywood Hills “Burglar Bunch” string of celebrity heists.
So okay, there are just a couple of teensy things that your big sistaz here at DISGRASIAN have to say (if we may):
First of all, we can’t condone crime, baby. That shit is not good for our collective AZN rep. Stealing is especially frowned upon (unless it’s of the spotlight, the glory, or some dirty bitch’s boyfriend) because it reads as really desperate, sad behavior. Our peeps—we aren’t desperate! We shouldn’t steal stuff cuz we should have stuff. We don’t need stuff, we’ve got good stuff. And if we want more stuff, we just do reallyreallyreally well at something and get a bunch of money and then buy that stuff. Know what we mean?
Secondly, bravo on turning yourself in. That shows a bit of penance, or at least the smarts to build leverage before you and your buddies get threatened with prison time and beaten and forced to narc like crazy on each other until y’all are facing life without the possibility of parole or something. Did your parents make you hand yourself over to the fuzz? Wait–do your parents EVEN KNOW YOU [ALLEGEDLY] ROBBED A COUPLE OF CELEBRITIES YET?!? Or do they think you’re off at college or something and just not returning phone calls about your grades? If not, whoa, sister. We don’t know you, but our spare room is open if you get released and need to hide/crash somewhere for the rest of your life. Shit.
Third and finally, did you manage to steal anything good? From Lohan’s house, we mean (we’ve got no interest in Patridge’s extensive collection of skanky mini-dresses). There’s gotta be some crazy shit up in that hellhole! Anyway, let us know… we’re, um, just curious!
Keep ya head up, girl.
Filed under: Audrina Patridge, Bad Behavior, Burglary, Celebutards, Criminals, Disappointing Your Parents, Lindsay Lohan, Penance, Rachel Lee, Ruh-Roh, Skanks, Stealing, The Fuzz, Theft, Turning Yourself In
Did anybody else see a foiled pre-Tienanmen anniversary report on CNN this week?
Seriously, is there any reason why this plainclothes fuzz display seems uncannily like a choreographed hybrid of Singin’ In the Rain and Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory? I keep waiting for Gene Kelly to come bursting onto the scene, chest full, hands in the air, toes dragging with flair.
Wow. What a number that would be.
Rage Against the Machine staged an anti-war rally that busted (pretty light-heartedly, and not so much ragingly, in my opinion) through downtown Denver late this afternoon. Maybe I didn’t sense too much rage because I saw one female protestor drop her section of a very long butcher paper sign to take a lazy drag out of her cigarette, or maybe because the “NO WAR ON IRAN” sign kept drooping out of sight, I simply can’t be sure. Certainly, when five members of the group started the jazzy a capella singalong: “War? Hunh! What is it good for? (Absolutely nothing),” I felt like joining in–that is, until my friend pointed out: “Well, the economy, kinda.”
Kinda. That’s actually the perfect word. This was “kinda” an awesome anti-war protest at the DNC.
Still, a protest is a protest, and this one got plenty of attention from the black-clad fuzz, who you know have just been WAITING to use a bullhorn or a tazer on somebody–anybody–during this arguably quiet convention week. With their plastic face shields pulled down and their hands resting gently on their nightsticks, the hordes of security folks kept their eyes on the troublemakers, even though the makers never really got themselves into too much trouble.
But here’s the thing. At the very back of the rally, I happened to notice the trail of a rather suspicious-looking armored vehicle:
I know you’re thinking what I’m thinking: IF THAT ISN’T A CRAP CANNON, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS.
Filed under: Anti-War Rallies, Crap Cannon, Democratic National Convention, DNC, Nightsticks, Rage Against the Machine, Suspicious, The Fuzz, War? What Is It Good For? (Besides the Economy), Weak Protests
Homegirl, you know we love you, cuz you’re so gorge you can’t be human, and we like to think that the 25% of you that is Han Chinese has a little something to do with that (we’re gonna take credit whether you like it or not). And, for the most part, we’re willing to look past your lunacy, because above and beyond you are FIERCE and FABULOUS, and sometimes cuckoo-ness just goes with the territory. And hell, you’re a SUPERMODEL, and supermodels can get away with doing just about anything–like wrapping themselves in clear synthetic wrap and calling it post-modern.
But spitting on a police officer at the airport and getting arrested? Girl, that is downright F.U.B.A.R., not fabulous. And petty airport crime, to boot, kinda reminds of us a D.O.T.W. alumni that we never thought you’d be in associasian with:
What next? A book called Nipples?
The Associated Press reports that The FBI and Chinese police caught two pirate software gangs and collected over $500 million worth of programs this week.
Arrrrrrrrr and Avast, mateys! I s’pose this means I should get rid o’ me illegal copies o’ 300 and Hot Fuzz, lest t’Fuzz catch me!
Speakin’ o’ Asian pirate gangs, if they look anythin’ like this: