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Emmy Presentasians

September 16th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Pre-production conversation between producers of the ’59th Emmy Awards’*, Marcus Douchebag** and Martha Whateverbrain**:

MARCUS: Hey Martha. Did you sign off on those shooters?

MARTHA: (Yawns) I donno. I forgot. Can I do it later?

MARCUS: Totally. What time is it?

MARTHA: 9:30am. Wanna go get baked? And then get some Bloody Mary’s?

MARCUS: Totally. Let’s hit the Saddle Ranch!

[They exit, get into Marcus' BMW, and head to the Sunset Blvd. location of the Saddle Ranch. Five hours later, they return.]

MARTHA: I can’t believe you rode that bull!

MARCUS: It was easy. I’ve done it before.

MARTHA: So… we really need to talk some more about how we’re gonna make this show the bestest Emmys ever!

MARCUS: Yeah! It’s our chance to shine! So here’s what I’m thinking. The host– Ryan Seacrest. We’ll set up the audience in a circle around the stage. It’ll be like, you know, circular. It’ll be kind of like that terrible Dane Cook HBO special, but funny! It’ll remind you of everything you love about television, like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire! It’s egalitarian, it’s fresh, it’s new, it’s Emmy!

MARTHA: I’m down!

[They high-five. Martha writes down on a legal pad: "Circle, Seacrest, Millionaire."

MARCUS: I guess we're done working for the day.

[They leave. Later that evening, Marcus receives a frantic cell phone call from Martha.]

MARTHA: Dude! We totally forgot about how our product integration segment. We haven’t talked about how to approach that.

MARCUS: Right – we need to talk about the digital age. We still haven’t figured out who’s going to present the award for Creative Achievement in Interactive Television. Should we get, y’know, Andy Samberg or some other TV star–whose career has really been brought to life by Interactive television– broadcast himself on a YouTube style screen for the introduction? That would be edgy and fresh.

MARTHA: I like it… but I don’t love it. I feel like there’s something a little less… obvious. A little more… au courant.

MARCUS: Like what?

MARTHA: Oh! Oh! I’ve got it! Why don’t we get that funny Asian dude who’s always talking funny and pumping his fist in the air and talking about technology on Heroes to present it!

MARCUS: And he can sit behind a geeky computer! And he can wear glasses! And he can talk like a techno robot! Haha ha ha ha ha! Ohmygod I’m like, crying. This is so fucking funny.

MARTHA: What does he really have to do with Interactive Television, though, really? Does he know how to use a computer?

MARCUS: Who cares?

MARTHA: Totally.

MARCUS: Get Masi Oka on the phone! He’s comedy gold!

Photo Source: WireImage

* = Not the actual producers
** = Not actual names (obviously)

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When Worlds Collide: Debra Messing And Phillip Lim

July 20th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Debra Messing and designer Phillip Lim at the opening of Lim’s store on Mercer St. in New York

Phillip: Hi Deb! Thanks for coming to my store opening! Do you want some champagne?

Debra: Yes! I would love some! I’m so excited to be here! I just got nominated for an Emmy! I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!

Phillip: Congratulasians, Deb. Good for you.

Debra: I know! Isn’t it?!? I mean, of course I already have one Emmy, and that’s enough, because most people don’t even get the chance to have THAT, and that is so precious. Do you have an Emmy?

Phillip: Uh, no Debra. I’m a fashion designer.

Debra: Kidding! Har har! I’m baaaaaaaaaaack!!! They love me! They really love me! This is so great! Maybe I’ll get free clothes again! And land the cover of Vogue!

Phillip: Debra, darling. That dress of mine that you’re wearing was free.

Debra: I know! And thank you! You are a wonderful friend! But I had to buy this turban-thingy on my own! Do you think it makes me look thinner?! I think it makes my face look two pounds thinner! What do you think?!? Tell me!!!

Phillip: Well, that’s why I designed this flounce on the front of the dress. It disguises one’s imperfections. Not that you have any.

Debra: OMG. You think I’m fat?! You do, don’t you?! You think I look fat?! OMG. Do you have something else I can wear?! Oh my god, is Anna Wintour here?!? Give me a new dress RIGHT NOW or I’ll bite your dick off!!!

Phillip: Whoa. Debra. Chillax. Let’s find you something else to wear. We’ll make it all better.

Debra: Damn straight you will!!! Because I’m Debra Messing, and I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!


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