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Apparently, 5 million people watched the premiere of Sarah Palin’s 8-part reality series, her Alaska, last night.
I was one of them. Miraculously, I held down my vomit through every stinking minute of the TLC hour, mostly because I was hoping that Alaska’s former governor would get eaten by a bear (although I certainly would have settled for her falling off of a mountainside). She didn’t. But there are seven more episodes to go, so here’s hoping.
If you compare this pilot to other recent television hours, like Matt Lauer’s recent interview with the fact-slalom king, George W. Bush, then heck, the content wasn’t at all that infuriating. After all, one could maybe accept Alaska as simply a cloying, stagey, poorly-produced celebreality show (Really, Mark Burnett? You built how many scenes off of one blurred Joe McGinniss cutaway? Tsk!) along the lines of Keeping Up With The Kardashians (except the young, unmarried, unqualified new mom in this show isn’t old enough to drink yet). One could celebrate the soaring music cues, red-white-and-blue lower thirds and Christian-rock theme song of the show as just what the Middle American doctor ordered. One could argue that the vast mountain landscapes, endless skies, and extreme animal closeups legitimize this “travelogue,” excusing Palin’s thinly-if-at-all-veiled political rhetoric–sprinkled throughout each story beat–because she, like a Ken Burns that can’t pronounce “feel,” is just givin’ a much needed voice to the under-appreciated state she loves so darn much.
You could. But you’d be lying, just like anyone who defends the show as “completely non-political.”
Sarah Palin’s Alaska marks an American low, a political low, and HOLY CRAP a reality show low (which I wasn’t sure even existed). I really, REALLY hope there’s a hungry bear in episode two.
Filed under: Alaska, Ken Burns, Mark Burnett, Non-Political? Seriously?, Reality TV, Right Wing Nutjobs, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin Is Poison, Sarah Palin's Alaska, Sarah Palin's Alaska Debuts To 5 Million Stupid Viewers, Shows That Liken A Shitty Yard Fence To Guarding Our Nation's Borders, Subversive Campaigning, The CW Blows, Thinly-veiled rhetoric, TLC, Vomit
In advance of Monday’s new Gossip Girl episode, “The Age of
Annoyance Dissonance,” wherein the students of Constance Billiard and St. Jude put on Edith Wharton’s The Age of Innocence as a play (within-a-play! so clever!), GG creator Josh Schwartz told fans, “You have not lived until you’ve seen Nelly Yuki in a fat suit in The Age of Innocence.” (Nelly plays Mrs. Mingott, a fat widow/grandmother.)
And boy was he right. We had not lived until we saw an Asian Nerd character be the fat butt of a joke on a television show. Nope. Never seen that before. Especially not on Gossip Girl. So thank you, thank you, Josh Schwartz, for giving us the gift of life!
A new Asian chick has joined the cast of Gossip Girl. And she walks and talks! And her character has a name!
We’re movin’ on up, to the East Side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky-y-y!
Only problem is, “Nelly Yuki” (as played by Yin Chang) is a NERD. If Diana were talking about her, she would say, “A total NNERRRRRRRRRRD.” So, yeah, I don’t mean that in a cool way. Take, for example, the “A” story of last night’s episode, which has Serena’s frenemy Georgina returning to the Upper Beast Side, chugging Cosmos, reconnecting with her coke dealer, hitting on older men, and drugging Serena’s diet Coke. Compare that to the Nelly “B” story, which has Blair’s academic frenemy (wait, what, they actually go to school??) and main competition for Yale pushing her chunky glasses up her nose a lot, lugging her violin case everywhere, studying for the SAT furiously, whining about her boyfriend dumping her, professing she is lactose intolerant, looking cross-eyed, and getting the batteries stolen out of her calculator by Blair before her college boards. RIVETING stuff, right?
It looks like Nelly “Let’s Get Retarded in Here” Yuki will stick around for a few episodes, but don’t expect a whole lotta sizzle from that steak. Examine the stills below, the first of which was taken when the other Asian chick “Kati Farkas” was on the show, and the second from next week’s episode:
The informant, who auditioned for the show but wasn’t utimately cast, sez:
“Originally, the Kati and Isabel characters on ‘GOSSIP GIRL’ were actually listed in the breakdown as “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern in Jimmy Choos… They were actually the funniest part of the show – they had these totally bizarre three line conversations at the end of each scene. Unfortunately, for those of us who went in 19 times for every part on the show and ended up coming down to the very end for those roles, the network decided that they had to go “ethnic,” and they claimed couldn’t find any black or Asian girls who were funny, so they, at the last minute, cast models and decided to just make them sight gags. No joke.”
Ohhhh. I get it now, ladies of color could have had some of the most hilarious lines in the show, but we just couldn’t bring the funny. No, totally. I’ve never met a funny Asian or black girl in my life, nor seen one on tv, nor read one’s blog. I bet Jen hasn’t either!
Now that I realize that it’s our peeps’ fault for not having our game on straight, I would like to extend a formal apology–for us all–to Josh Schwartz and The CW.
And here it goes.
Dear Josh Schwartz and The CW,
You are so good at what you’re doing, and it’s obvious. You know the youngish, whitish, unrelatably prettyish demo of American tweens and teens better than they know themselves. Look at all of the wonderful work The CW has done– you turned Veronica Mars, the twistiest and most brilliantly written teen noir of this decade, into a confused, tepid and useless flaccid dick of a show. You continue to stage America’s Next Top Model in the fashion capital of…Los Angeles?? You removed the creator of the Gilmore Girls from Gilmore Girls and then kept trying to make more episodes. Genius! And Josh, let me tell you, I am from Orange County, and we never called it “the” OC before you did. What a concept, what a show, what a cast. I often argue that Mischa Barton is the Catherine Deneuve of our time. Brilliance. Sheer brilliance. Great work.
So I just want to say that we at DISGRASIAN are sorry for having criticized you both at length over these last few weeks, for casting a bunch of mute twinsie “ethnics” in your brilliant new show Gossip Girl. You didn’t want to make them mute, you were forced to. Gosh, why didn’t you just tell us that we didn’t have the stuff? Had I but realized that none of us had the talent or comedic skills to be as funny as the other hilarious white folks on The CW! My god, we should just be glad you’re willing to showcase some of our girls, and pretty ones at that. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.
We were so wrong to judge you. Worse, we were wrong not to judge ourselves. We’re about to write an open letter to both the black and Asian unfunny girl communities and tell them (like Tyra would): Ladies, it’s time to STEP IT UP!
We just hope we do better next time.
Diana and Jen of DISGRASIAN
(authors of a humorless blog, one that humorlessly judges the great humorous talents of our time)
I’m not sure why I keep watching the CW’s Gossip Girl, since every episode is the same, and seeing it week after week feels like being trapped in one of Dante’s rings of hell, where the punishment is being stuck at a party that you can never leave. On last night’s episode, the party was a fancy sleepover, and the HaraGossip Girls were in full effect. Here they are with Queen Bitch
Gwen Blair–interchangeable, wearing matching outfits again, and providing background, uh, “color”:
I know it may appear from the photo that the blonde bitches took a backseat to the colored girls for a change…but not to worry, they didn’t.
After all of CW’s tireless searching for the Pussycat Dolls’ Next Doll, Season One of The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll winner Asia Nitollano has announced that she is embarking on a solo career in lieu of touring with the group.
Was this some sort of trick? Does this mean they were never actually searching for the Next Doll after all? If so, all of my perception of truth has been shattered.
Um, I realize that the new season is already under production, but I move that we re-title the series The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Scantily-Clad Mediocre Talent That Can’t Really Dance or Sing But Eventually Wants to Be Photographed Frequently and Sing For Audiences, Sorta.
Kinda has a nice ring to it, dontcha think?
Ever since the UPN-WB networks merged into the CW, it’s all gone to shit. They’ve canceled Veronica Mars, which became trivial this year after abandoning the format of a year-long, whodunnit story-arc, and long-running shows like Seventh Heaven and Gilmore Girls (don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful on both counts). Smallville and One Tree Hill are both returning and they’re tripe. It says something when America’s Next Top Model is the CW’s only crowning achievement, and when they’re conducting ANOTHER SEARCH for the next Pussycat Doll. Aren’t there enough already?
Fittingly, the CW Upfronts party, held at the Buddah Bar in New York, was a sad affair. This poor girl had to serve drinks there:
The first time I saw this photo, I wasn’t sure if this cocktail waitress was dressed as a Geisha or a suicidal clown about to stab a kid in the eye with a balloon animal. Is it my subconscious talkin’ or does she look like she’s got a cleaver stuck in her skull? What do you call that hat/fan/cleaver? Is that what people are talking about when they say “ASSHAT”? And why do those drinks she’s serving look like POO?
Here’s the upshot. Laura Palmer’s dad was at the party.
Oh shit. I just scared myself.