DISGRASIAN™

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Whore-y Cows

Wassup Chi-town?

You know we love you, right? You’re home to so many delightful things and people: Wilco, Charlie Trotter’s, R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet, deep-dish pizza, our very own intern Jasmine, and, of course, the Cubbies. Is there anything cooler in baseball than that ivy-covered outfield (Jen would say The Green Monster, but she’s wicked biased)? So it really took the Windy City out of our sails to read about these fuku-ed up t-shirts that are selling like hot bräts outside Wrigley. Y’know, the ones that read “Horry Kow!” (translasian: “Holy Cow!”–an homage to the late, great game announcer Harry Caray)? With the chinky-ass bear on the front and Cub outfielder Kosuke Fukudome’s name and number on the back?

Hang on a sec…did we just write that Fukudome’s name and number are on the back of this tee? Horry Shit–is this what you call a tribute to your new star from Japan? Wonder what he thinks of this ching-chong nonsense. Oh wait…

“I don’t know what the creator of the shirt meant this to be, but they should make it right,” Fukudome said through his interpreter after being shown one of the shirts Thursday. “Maybe the creator created it because he thought it was funny, or maybe he made it to condescend the race. I don’t know.”

Do ya really wanna piss off a guy who’s batting .321, has an OBP of .441, and isn’t a diva about getting shifted around in the outfield?

Here’s the thing. There’s still time to make it right. This t-shirt is an unlicensed piece of shit merch selling on Addison Street across from the park. The merch stand’s operator is a charming, enlightened dude named Mark who doesn’t see what all the fuss is about:

“I’m making money,’” he said. “It doesn’t offend me. If other people are offended by it, it’s just a silly T-shirt. Nobody is trying to offend anybody.”

Mark says that only 1 in 10 people who come up to the stand tell him that the shirt is offensive. Let’s make that 10 in 10, shall we?

Chi-town, we’re counting on you. Don’t disappoint us.

UPDATE: Aww. You make us so proud, Chicago!

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Thanks, Jasmine!

Filed under: Chi-town, Chinky-Ass Shit, Disappointment, Don't Poke the Bear, Kosuke Fukudome, The Chicago Cubs, This is Bullshit

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: The Mostly-About-Tits Edition

Hazel Mae in HD

With baseball season underway and me getting off my sleep meds, there’s nothing I look forward to more before bed than watching Sawx games. This year, I decided to spring for NESN (New England Sports Network), which broadcasts all the games, in HIGH-DEFINITION. It is, in a word, wickedawesome. It has also given me new appreciation for NESN SportsDesk anchor, Hazel Mae, and her gigantic talents. “Haze” is of Pinaysian Persuasian, but judging by her bio, which lists surf ‘n’ turf as her favorite food, Hootie and the Blowfish as her favorite band, and Jerry Maguire as her favorite sports movie, methinks she’s really a broheim from the, ah, neck up.

Lost in Translasian

Chicago Cubs fans are so stoked to have new savior slugger Kosuke “Fuck You, Do Me” Fukudome on the team that they welcomed him with signs written in Japanese on Opening Day. Only problem is they were supposed to read “It’s Gonna Happen,” a reference to ending the Cubbies’ 100 year, World Series drought, but instead they all said “It was lucky” or “It was accidental.” Oops.

Jessica of Troy

This week, Jose Canseco, while promoting his new book Vindicated, intimated that last year’s AL MVP, Yankee Alex Rodriguez, is a juicebag. Canseco also said that he believed A-Rod had an affair with his ex-wife, Jessica Canseco. I had never heard of Jessica, a Playboy Playmate, until recently. And all I really know about her still is that she was a Hooters girl, she might be a man, she might have compared titjobs with Roger Clemens’ wife Debbie at a party, which may be “evidence” in the Congressional investigation of the pitcher’s alleged steroid use, and she might have banged the douchiest current player in baseball, which may lead to an investigation of A-Rod’s alleged steroid use. Does that make Jessica the modern Helen of Troy? Are those tits the tits that launched a thousand ships, bringing mighty warriors to their knees?

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Filed under: Boston Red Sox, Broheims, Hazel Mae, Helen of Troy, High-Definition, Jessica Canseco, Jose Canseco, Kosuke Fukudome, Pinaysian Persuasian, Roger Clemens, The Chicago Cubs, Tits With Ambition

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: The Cubbies Ain’t Fukuing Around

The Chicago Cubs reached an agreement to acquire 30 year-old Japanese player Kosuke “This” Fukudome yesterday, offering the left-handed slugger $48 million over four years. The AP reported that Fukudome is “(c)onsidered one of the best outfielders in Japanese baseball” and will play in right for the Cubs.

Will Fukudome help end the Cubbies’ 100-year World Series drought?

Alls I’m sayin’ is, the last three World Series winners had Japanese players on their starting rosters who played key roles in getting their teams to the big stage and winning it all. So Taguchi for the St. Louis Cardinals in 2005, Tad Iguchi for the Chicago White Sox in 2006, and, of course, Daisuke “Badonkadonk” Matsuzaka and Hideki “All Is Forgiven after the Autograph Debacle” Okajima of MA SAWX.

Coincidence? Hmmm…

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Filed under: Curses, Japanese Ballers, Kosuke Fukudome, Major League Baseball, The Chicago Cubs, The World Series