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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Even Ninjas Have Bieber Fever

February 14th, 2011 | 3 comments | Posted by Jen

Everyone knows Justin Bieber has a badass bodyguard who’ll fuck you up if you try to harm a hair on the Biebs’ $750 coiffure. Which explains why the various Bieber-hater clans of the Internet resorted to hiring ninjas to infiltrate last night’s Grammys and destroy him.

The mercenaries came to the totally culturally irrelevant awards ceremony armed with throwing stars, poison darts, and their cloaks of invisibility to carry out their mission (and possibly catch a glimpse of Gaga getting hatched from an egg before, a sight not even ninjas get to see every day). But not long after the chorus to Bieber’s hit “Never Say Never” kicked in with “and there’s just no turning back/when your heart’s under attack,” the ninjas hired to kill the 16 year-old pop sensation realized that that was exactly what was happening to them.

Their cold ninja hearts were under attack, besieged with fever…Bieber Fever.

I could fall on him and snap his neck with my bare hands and no one would ever know what happened. But he's just so goddern adorbs! <333

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ROCK OF ASIAN: Hayley Kiyoko, Star Of The Disney Channel’s Forthcoming “Lemonade Mouth”

January 12th, 2011 | 3 comments | Posted by Jen

Does the world need another high school musical? No. Yes? I dunno–it depends on how you feel about that sort of thing. But after Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens broke up last month–or did they?–because “they just grew up,” and with Zac graduating to new man roles like his part in The Lucky One, for which he put on lots and lots of man-muscle in order to play a war veteran with a manly albeit curious Southern accentGet it people? Zac Efron is a man, now, okay?–something must be done to fill this terrible, awful void. Plus, high school musicals move nail polish units, apparently.

Enter Lemonade Mouth, brought to you by Disney Channel Original Movies–producers of HSM–the plot of which sounds something like The Breakfast Club meets School of Rock for the Belieber set. In other words, it will be awful! And, in other words, I will be watching it late at night on my DVR when I can’t sleep and am particularly vulnerable to bad TV starring teens with impossibly good skin who will make me feel only more wretched and old than I already do!

I will also be watching Lemonade Mouth for Hayley Kiyoko (pictured, center), who plays one of the lead misfits. Because the 19 year-old of Japanese descent is crazy talented. She plays the drums, keys, guitar, and writes her own music. I’m particularly partial to the song “Lungs” on her MySpace (listen here). She’s also in a girl group called The Stunners who opened for the Biebs last summer, not that you care (I mean, I don’t). And she’s so pretty in a tomboyish way-Hayley played Velma in both Cartoon Network Scooby Doo movies–she kind of demands your attention. Added bonus: she’s goofy as hell, as witnessed by this YouTube video she made last summer, when she and girl-groupmate Lauren Hudson, who’s also Asian, got stuck in the back of their tour van:

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