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My family fled war-torn Vietnam in June of 1975 by secretly hopping aboard a freight ship meant to carry textiles. Someone tipped my mom’s brother off to the opportunity and he immediately rounded up the rest of the relatives. They hastily collected their meager belongings, then hustled to the dock. My family was joined by about 200 other people on the shore. The ship docked and everyone quietly boarded the ship, tucking themselves into the dark nooks, while dozens of jumbo bins were loaded onto the deck. The ship left shore once again, and after a number of miles some of the bins began to move, as 150 more people emerged from underneath. They all went to America.
Every time my mom and I talk about this particularly fascinating bit of their story, we clash over one point.
I say, “So that’s how you came here!”
She says, “Yes, we came on a boat.”
I say, “Right. So you were boat people that came–”
She cuts me off and shrieks, “WE ARE NOT BOAT PEOPLE!”
I say, “Didn’t we just talk about the boat you came on?”
She says, “It was a freight ship!”
I say, “Isn’t a ship a large boat?”
Then she stops talking to me. Moms are so weird.
Today, I saw photos of those womb-rumbling cutie patooties Maddox and Pax Jolie-Pitt cruising coolly around the canals in a sweet speedboat:
…and all I could think was, “Mom! Boat people are so AWESOME!”
Filed under: Amazian Jr., Awesomeness, Boat People, Boats, Cool Kids, Cool Photos, Hardass Asian Moms, Maddox Driving, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Pax Thien, Pride, Refugees, Speedboats, Synonyms, The Almighty Jolie-Pitts, Venice, Vietnam
In Touch caused quite a stir this week by releasing an exclusive interview with “Bill,” a man who claims to be a former bodyguard for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The “ugly truth?” Angie’s apparently a bad mother:
“In my opinion, the real Angelina is self-centered and a control freak. She has no patience at all. She doesn’t do things out of the kindness of her heart. And she’s totally psycho.” While Brad is laid-back and patient with his kids’ often wild behavior, Angelina is anything but. “She screams and yells a lot, then walks away,” Bill says, explaining that Angelina would often “disappear into her suite for hours,” leaving staffers — and Brad — to deal with her children. “She would punish them with silence,” says Bill, adding, “I think she could be abusive at times in a mental way.” If the children were to get upset by her withholding behavior, he says, Angelina didn’t seem to care. “She is not moved by tears,” he explains. Still more disturbing, he recalls, Angelina has a “quirky habit” of “giggling when one of her kids would start crying.”
Hmm. This passage actually makes me feel kinda nostalgic (Mommy? Mommy?)…
Here’s a theory: Perhaps Mama Jolie has just been trying her darndest to be an authentic Hardass Asian Mom for her boys! Has anybody ever stopped to think of that? If this guy speaks the truth*, she’s doing a damn good job of giving Maddox and Pax a slice of home!
*Sorry, “Bill”–I don’t believe this shit for a second.
Filed under: "Bill", Adoption, Amazian Jr., Angelina, Angelina Jolie, anonymity, Brad Pitt, Chinese Exclusion Act 1882, Hardass Asian Moms, I Call Bullshit, I Want to be Adopted by Brad and Angelina, In Touch Magazine, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Mental Abuse, Pax Thien, The Almighty Jolie-Pitts, Yeah Yeah
“Eat this, Suri Cruise! I’m lookin’ fly on the red carpet! You think you’re so bad in your high heels? My sisters wear ties and hats and exercise pants and maxi dresses. And I am rocking this scarf and chapeau at the ‘Invictus’ premiere better than a veteran director at the Cannes film festival. You’ve been to Cannes, right? Wait–do you speak French yet? I do. I’ll translate: Cannes is French for “WE JOLIE-PITTS ARE SO MUCH COOLER THAN YOU.”
Filed under: Amazian Jr., Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Cannes, Children That Dress Like Adults, Cute Kids, Cute-Offs, Famous Offspring, French, Live From the Red Carpet, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Men In Hats, Our Progeny Are Just Cuter--Deal With It, Precocious Younguns, Suri Cruise High Heels, The Almighty Jolie-Pitts, Throwdowns
The afterbirth has barely dried on new twins Knox and Vivienne, and already rumors abound about Brangelina’s next adoption. This time, Hollywood’s It Couple are apparently shopping around for a Chinese baby. And only DISGRASIAN has the scoop on who that lucky little kid will be…
That’s right, y’all. It’s yours truly!!! Congratulatory baby gifts are totally not necessary. As you can see, I’m already stylin’ with a bitchin’ pacifier. And I can personally attest to the fact that the Brangelina Family Bed is oh-so-cozy. (Is it wrong that I think Mom and Dad are hot, and sometimes I have fantasies about a three-way with them? Just wondering.)
So, yeah, this means I’m pretty much set for life…but don’t hate!
Thanks, Jasmine, for making my dreams come true!
PAX: What, what? I didn’t do nothin’.
ZAHARA: I think you’re too old to be carried.
PAX: But we’re going on a boat ride. And I’m scared of boats. I don’t even like to look at them, they make me woozy.
ZAHARA: Why do you always look like you just pissed yourself? Smile for the paps, for chrissakes, we’ve been over this 1200 times. Do you want to be the forgotten child? Mom thinks I’m the “biggest personality in the house,” not to mention “the funniest person” she’s ever met. Mad is totally kicking your ass in the which-adopted-Asian-son-is-cuter competition. And Shiloh, well…she’s white. She’s always gonna catch a break. Get it?
PAX: I grew up in an orphanage. My life was rough.
ZAHARA: Take a fucking number. Look at our Dad, fool.
PAX: I don’t know what that means.
ZAHARA: Brad Pitt is your FREAKIN’ father! It means you’re the luckiest little bastard on earth!
PAX: Why are you always picking on me? You’re going to make me cry.
ZAHARA: (simpering) “Why are you always picking on me?” Stop being a pussy, man. It’s embarrassing.
There’s nothing quite like being a kid and getting a free ride from Pops, like Zahara “The Forgotten One” Jolie-Pitt is doing here with Dad Brad.
Wait. What is THAT on Zahara’s shirt?
Fashion Buzz correctly identified the tee as part of Gwen Stefani’s Harajuku Lovers collection for kids, which inspired me to write a letter to Zaharajuku Jolie-Pitt. Usually the object of our epistolary campaigns are a bit older, but I have a feeling Z will get where I’m coming from, even if she needs the nanny to read this to her.
You are such a cutie-patootie. And I know you’re mostly a pawn in your parents’ aspirational game–which translates into punk haircuts, baby-sized hipster clothing, and funny faces you make for the cameras–but do you think it would be cool if I walked around in a t-shirt with a black baby on it? Just cuz, like, to paraphrase Gwen, I have respect for your culture? Such deep respect that I would like to wear you as decoration?
I have you pegged as the rational one of the brood, mostly because you seem to be ignored a lot of the time and that’s usually how smart people develop their gifts. Look out, Ivy League! Which is why you should be the one to give your parents a good talkin’ to about their, um, how do I put it…insufferability? You may also want to remind them that they have two Asian children. Finally, giving them a timeout from their relentless, self-mythologizing “cool-ness” would be a really smart move.
Free the Harajuku Girls Even From Baby Tees,
Think of the places you’d go with not one, but two A-list movie star surnames.