You are currently browsing posts tagged with The 2008 Olympics

The Wang Way To Win

October 26th, 2009 | 2 comments | Posted by Diana

Do you remember 21-year-old Wang Jing, a Chinese sprinter from last summer’s Beijing Olympics?

So Wang

So Wang

If not, it’s because she didn’t qualify for a second round heat in either of her races during those games, the 100m and 4x100m. You probably missed her.

Last week, however she celebrated gold in the 100m at the 11th Chinese National Games. And silver in the 200m! Dayum!

Today, it was annouced that Wang failed a drug test and was stripped of her gold medal. Worse, the Chinese Athletics Administration Center (CAAC)–China’s governing body for track and field–has BANNED WANG AND HER COACH FOR LIFE from competition.

What a shitty Monday, huh? First, FAILING. Then, banned for LIFE. Wang is never getting hugged by her parents again.

[Reuters: China's Womens 100 Metres Champion Banned For Life]


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How Low Can You Go, Michael Phelps?

January 7th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

What is up with Michael Phelps and his love of low-rent Asian things? Didn’t that boy pick up any culture when he was in Beijing last year?

He recently signed a huge deal to shill for Mazda–the Mazda 6 to be exact–in China. I rented that very same car last summer, and the piece-of-shit broke down after 20 minutes on an unlit, desolate stretch of New Mexican highway between Albuquerque and Santa Fe, in the middle of the night. For two hours, I waited for a tow, wondering what was going to get me first, the coyotes or the meth freaks. That night, I disowned, repudiated, renounced, and abjured Mazda FOREVER from the category of “Reliable Japanese Cars,” which, you know, I always thought was kinda redundant. I hope the mother ship has enough good sense to do the same.

I’m sorry, DISGRASIAN Mazda owners, but I’m still verrrrrrry bitter.


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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Congratulasians, Spain!

August 25th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

¡Hola España Basketball!

Boy, that was a close one. You certainly gave Team USA, aka The Redeem Team, a run for their money in Sunday’s gold medal game. And, sure, we’ve given you some shit over the last coupla weeks, but we’re totally over that now and would like to congratulate you on winning Spain’s first Olympic medal in basketball since 1984! You kept the game oh-so-close through four quarters, and now you can walk away with your heads held high, silver medal in hand.

A silver medal! From the Olympics! Has it sunk in yet? Sure, you must feel slightly disappointed that you didn’t win it all, but a silver medal from the Olympic Games is still major. If Diana’s late Hardass Asian Grandmother had been around to see this, she would’ve been quick to assure you that being second is just like being first.

First Loser, that is.

Anyhoo, felicitaciones!

chinkily yours,



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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Grannies and Labor Camps Go Together Like Ramma Lamma Lamma Ka Dinga Da Dinga Dong

August 22nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Wu Dianyuan and Wang Xiuying

I don’t know about you, but when I hear the word “grandma,” I don’t think about knitting needles or freshly-baked cookies, I think “labor camp.” That’s because my great-grandmother spent her last years, almost up to her death, in a Chinese labor camp, or “re-education camp,” depending on your semantic inclinations.

You see, my great-grandma was a corrupt landowner, and when the Communists took over China in 1949, her privileged old ass needed to be re-educated. Her re-education included having her ancestral home taken away from her, hard labor, and torture, er, I mean, teaching. Unlike other members of my family, great-grandma couldn’t leave the country for Taiwan or Hong Kong because her feet were bound. (Sucks for her!) But I’m pretty sure that once she was re-educated, the government showed great-grandma how even those bound feet were made for walkin’. Her re-education package also included being rendered blind, which seems fitting for an old lady who couldn’t “see” the error of her disgusting, capitalist ways and who never saw her husband, children, or grandchildren again after ’49, save for one daughter.

I thought the era of putting grandmothers in labor camps was over, but then I heard about Beijing grannies Wu Dianyuan, 79, and Wang Xiuying, 77, getting sentenced to one year in a re-education camp for filing applications to hold a legal protest. Before the Olympics, Chinese officials promised to allow protests in three city parks so long as protesters filed an application first. So far, none of the 77 applications have been approved. Wu and Wang, who are lifelong friends, applied five times to protest the fact that they have not received compensation for the demolition of their homes, bulldozed seven years ago to make room for new developments.

Like seasoned criminals, these two agitators, who both walk with the assistance of a cane, deny any wrongdoing:

What crime have we committed?” said Wang, as the two lifetime friends let out a burst of laughter.

“We never committed any crime when we were young. Now we are so old we can’t even speak clearly. How can we possibly commit a crime?“

Wang says that the two will keep “disturbing public order” (the official charge) and she’ll even refuse to serve her labor camp sentence.

Clearly, these two grey-haired revolutionaries are in desperate need of re-education. Daring to legally protest in a country that said a few weeks ago it would permit legal protests? That practically sounds like a threat to overthrow the government! Chinese officials should put their old anarchic asses in a labor camp before those biddies start a trend! Make them see the error of their ways until Wang, who is blind in one eye, and Wu are cleansed of their putrid, Westernized ideals! If they have to be made completely blind and crippled–like my great-grandmother–to learn their lesson, sucks for them!


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Asians Better at Math, Especially When It Comes to Faking Gymnasts’ Ages

August 22nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Well, it’s official. An IOC investigasian of the Chinese women’s gymnastics team members’ ages is underway. Five out of the six team members–He Kexin, Yang Yilin, Jiang Yuyuan, Deng Linlin and Li Shanshan–are suspected of being underage, which leaves only Cheng Fei (below, far left), 20, confirmed as an old bag.

In response to the media outcry about the gymnasts’ ages that started before the Games’ commencement and has not let up since, Huang Yibin, head coach of the women’s and men’s teams, said:

Our athletes participating in these games all conform to the age regulations of the Olympics. Asians have different figures than people from the West, so that’s what caused their suspicion.


“Whoa, whoa. Did you guys forget that we invented the abacus?! Shit, we basically invented math. We do calculus for fun the way you guys do the NY Times Sunday crossword, the only difference being, we actually solve our puzzles every time. Our calculators–which computed the gymnasts’ ages–are so sophisticated, they can read minds AND cook dinner.

Since the beginning of time, Asians have been better at math. That is a universal truth, kinda like how blacks are better at dancing and basketball. Am I right or am I right?! Oh wait. Of course I’m right. Why? Because math don’t lie. And we’re good at math. See what I just did? That’s a little thing I like to call logic.

We invented that, too.”


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The Iron Hammer Goes Soft (UPDATE)

August 21st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

U.S. women’s volleyball coach Jenny Lang Ping scares the key-rap out of me. Probably because she has my mother’s hair (Do all of our mothers go to the same hairdresser to get that unnatural red color and that moonface-inducing bob?) and my father’s pursed-lip, nonplussed expression. Her face reminds me of how my parents looked when they read my diary in 7th grade (in which I called my mom every name in the book, mostly to practice my curse words) or when I choked on the PSATs sophomore year; it’s a face shimmering with disappointment and incapable of understanding insubordination or failure. Oh, and Coach Lang’s nickname when she was a player and won gold for China was “The Iron Hammer,” not exactly the name of a softie.

My guess is that her being hard-to-please has something to do with how she got her team, ranked 4th in the world and unlikely medal contenders, to overachieve and defeat China, Italy and Cuba in order to advance to the Olympic finals against Brazil. After the U.S. women beat Cuba today in the semis, The Iron Hammer finally cracked a smile in what the AP called “a rare show of emotion.”

I’ll say! Watching Coach Lang smile, laugh, and bear-hug her players actually freaked me the fuck out. It was so…positive and…(gulp) effusive. It just doesn’t feel right if she’s not giving her players (and us viewers, really) that scary death stare. It doesn’t feel Asian. It doesn’t feel, frankly, like home.

So, Coach Lang, please stop smiling. You’re making me very very uncomfortable. And if you, The Iron Hammer, go soft now, how in the world will you get those ladies to bash in Brazil? No one’s ever been loved, nurtured, and positively reinforced to a gold medal, have they??

UPDATE: Brazil prevails, the U.S. wins silver. SEE WHAT I MEAN?!


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You Didn’t Break Any World Records, Loser

August 19th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I can’t say I’m a big fan of the individual microphones that NBC has clipped onto certain notables in the Olympic crowds of Beijing–Michael Phelps’s mom, Nastia Liukin’s friends, whoever–ya just never know what you’re going to hear. Maybe it’s your average cheering (which is so awkward to listen to without the context of the rest of the crowd), or else it’s personal chatter/words of disappointment/performance criticisms/judge slander that you were never meant to hear anyway. Whatever the audio, it all makes me feel like a totally creepy voyeur. (And listen, I am a creepy voyeur–as any neighbor couples that have ever had sex near a thinly-veiled window will likely attest to–but I really, really hate feeling like one.)

Last night, while watching the women’s pole vault competition, I roused myself from near-Sleepyland just in time to witness American rookie Jenn Stuczynski’s final sky-high bounces. The girl has only even been doing the sport for four years (??) (!!), and kapowed her first Olympic games with an astounding silver medal finish. It should be noted that she came in second just to the very cocky, very gifted reigning double world, triple European, and defending Olympic champion Yelena Isinbayeva, who proceeded to break her own world record a centimeter after claiming the gold.

Beating her would’ve been quite a longshot, and a silver medal for a relative novice is fucking amazing, right? Not according to Stucynski’s coach, Rick Suhr, who congratulated the medalist with this charming, slit-your-wrist pep talk while mic’d up for NBC viewers:

Jesus H., where did Suhr go to school, the New York Academy of Hardass Asian Coaching? Both of my parents were really taken aback by the coach’s unexpected caustic attack, at least that’s what they told me on the phone this morning when we talked about the clip.**

**My dad–who made the same face as Suhr (see left) when he realized I’d achieved second chair violin in honor orchestra instead of first, later clarified that he was mostly taken aback by the fact that any Hardass muthafucka would be egotistical and stupid enough to allow themselves to be mic’d on national television, while berating their prodigy.


I’m pretty sure my parents think that Stuczynski is a total loser.


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Gymnast and Gay Go Together Like Ramma Lamma Lamma Ka Dinga Da Dinga Dong

August 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

A lot of you who are new to DISGRASIAN have been clicking over for Olympics “coverage” (I use that term oh-so-loosely), and mostly to find out who on the U.S. men’s gymnastics team is gay. Now, Diana and I pride ourselves on having excellent gaydar–we’re Asian chicks, after all, and most of our BFF’s are gay–but we ain’t the Gay Census Bureau. Nevertheless, we want you horny newbies to feel at home, so I give you this photo (from the real Gay Census Bureau, Towleroad):

Feel better?

Then there are those of you who have come to our site looking for nipples. And, you know, we do write about nipples a fair amount. Crotches, too. Shit, why do you think my parents spent all that dough sending me to an Ivy League school?? But for those of you who’ve come here to ogle, say, the nipples of a 16 year-old Olympic athlete, i.e. a child, we give you this:



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August 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Happy birthday to Olympic breaststroker Brendan Hansen, who turns 27 Friday!

Sure, this isn’t Brendan’s year, or his Olympics. But we hafta say, without a real Hansen-Kosuke Kitajima rivalry in Beijing, swimming isn’t quite the same (Michael Phelps’ achievements notwithstanding). Hansen and Kitajima–they need each other. Without those two side-by-side in the pool, gunning for the wall, all we see is a field of nameless, faceless athletes, swimming a second-class stroke that has the polite word for “boob” in it.


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Seriously, Spain? Now You’re Starting to Piss Me Off.

August 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Today, Gawker dug up another photo of a Spanish national team–this time, it’s their 2008 Fed Cup tennis team–making chinky faces. Spain beat China in the Fed Cup semis to reach the final against Russia, which will be played in Madrid, September 13-14.

More “loving” and “respect” from Spain to my people?? Awww! Y’all shouldn’t have. Really…it’s too much.


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The Spanish Basketball Team on Oriental Expressionism

August 13th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Jose Calderon: Oriental Expressionist

In response to media outrage over the Spanish national basketball team making a slit-eyed gesture in a recent newspaper advertisement, the team’s point guard, Jose Calderon, who plays for the Toronto Raptors professionally, issued a statement via his personal website Tuesday.

No way, Jose! Dude, you are clearly unschooled in the way of our people and in desperate need of an educasian. First of all, everyone knows that if you want to make an Oriental Expression (“OE”), you do it with your hands, yo, and not your eyes.

The Peace Sign should always be your first option:

But in a classier, more formal Oriental setting, you could opt for the Buddhist prayer gesture, or Prayer Hands, as we like to call them.

Prayer Hands project a certain gravitas and are always considered “appropriate” and “somewhat loving” by the Orientals.

But, sheeit, why stop at “somewhat loving”? You’re in the Land of Love You Long Time, after all. If you really want to demonstrate your affection for our people, why not, in the words of Chris Berman, GO. ALL. THE. WAY??!

Which brings us to the Middle Finger, aka The Finger, Flipping the Bird, The Bird. Because nothing communicates “huge respect” as appropriately as this expression does. Take it from us–two bona fide Orientals–the Middle Finger may not be exclusive to our culture, but it’s nevertheless prized among rice eaters. Not only because it’s succinct and to the point, but because it leaves no room for interpretasian. And interpretasian is really the culprit in this case, and not, say, willful ignorance and cultural ineptitude, right?

Source Source Source

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The Definition of "Saving Face"

August 12th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

We’ve all read reports about China putting its best foot forward for the Olympics, whether it’s cleaning up the polluted skies blanketing Beijing or sweeping Tibet and Darfur protesters right out of the country. With all eyes on China for the coming weeks, its government naturally wants to project an improved image. The most striking example of that is the opening ceremony switcheroo that took place between 9 year-old Lin Miaoke and 7 year-old Yang Peiyi.

Lin is the adorable, pig-tailed sprite who appeared in a red dress to sing China’s national anthem, “Ode to the Motherland,” during the opening ceremony. Or so we thought. In fact, Lin–a veteran of TV commercials–was lip-synching. And not to her own voice, Ashlee Simpson-style, but to the voice of Yang Peiyi, who was supposed to sing it on international television until a Chinese official decided at the last minute that she wasn’t cute enough to go before the cameras. One report cited Yang’s “chubby face and crooked baby teeth” for the switch, while another blamed the 7 year-old’s “buck teeth.” Clearly, Yang’s teeth were an issue, which, you know, seems apt considering most people in China don’t have dental care.

Yang’s replacement, Lin, meanwhile, is missing a few baby teeth but her smile is, nevertheless, infectious. And her cuteness is undeniable. She looks like a cross between an anime schoolgirl and Dawn Weiner’s perfect little sister from Welcome to the Dollhouse. She looks like she’ll grow up to be a beautiful woman whom you’d love to hate except you can’t find anything wrong with her.

And that is precisely the point. You can fix buck teeth or crooked baby teeth and eventually lose your baby fat. But that takes time–as does cleaning up air pollution or reconciling a totalitarian government with its increasingly more open society. And China presenting itself as a work-in-progress? As a nation that is still growing and, consequently, suffering through some ugly growing pains? How would that look to the rest of the world–in HD, no less? That would be embarrassing, right? So, to save face, in this case, it’s better to replace the imperfect face you’ve got with a happy, pretty one–that no one in the world could deny is pleasing.


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