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Caption This: Jon Gosselin’s Halloween Costume

November 2nd, 2009 | 8 comments | Posted by Jen

jon gosselin halloween

[via BuzzFeed]

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Jon Gosselin: Get Out Of My Dreams, Get Into Anywhere Else

September 17th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


“Fame” whore Kate Major (one of Jon Gosselin’s many post-8 conquests) went for minute sixteen this week, as she yapped to news outlets about the romantic affair that the reality dad has refuted.

From MSNBC:

“’I will take a lie detector test and I would love for Jon to take a lie detector test because for him to say there was no romance is a complete lie,’ Major tells HLN’s ‘Showbiz Tonight’ in an interview set to air Wednesday night… I think I was in lust with him, but no, I didn’t love him,’ she says, adding, ‘I despise him.’

Jeesh, I thought in rambles as I read the above quote just before drifting off to Sleepyland last night. Lots of despisin’ goin’ on around that dude. They should just change the show name to ‘Jon and Kate and Everyone We Hate.’ Ha! Good one, me (yawn)! Everyone’d be puffy and semi-hideous on that show and they’d just be hatin’ on haters. What the hell is it with that dude (yawn) anyway? I don’t fucking get it. He seriously much have the dick of the centuryzzZZZzzz…

Then, last night, I had dream that I was in love with Jon Gosselin.

We walked in the park. We cuddled in a back seat. We relaxed on a blanket on the shore.

And he was wonderful! He didn’t talk; in fact, his head wasn’t even really a head–it was more of a watermelon, and then it was a blurry blob, and then it was Ted Danson’s head. But I knew it was Jon.

Ooh! And he was so warm. So warm and soft. His whole body was soft, like one of those memory foam pillows. He was a wonderful, fat, squooshy, puffy pillow.

I loved him.

No wait, I despised him. But I loved him.

Um.

I THINK I NEED TO TAKE A BREAK FROM READING THIS SHIT. FOR REAL.

[MSNBC: Kate Major 'Despises' Jon Gosselin]

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Us Weekly’s Fuh-reaking Out that Jon & Kate Are Yesterday’s News

August 5th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Us Weekly seemed hardly able to contain its glee when it reported Tuesday that Jon & Kate Plus 8‘s ratings have dropped 61 percent after a month-long hiatus following the couple’s on-air announcement that they were separating. The first line of the news item read:

“Jon and Kate Gosselin returned to TLC Monday night, but many of their fans didn’t.”

The piece went on to mention that the ratings for Monday night’s back-to-back episodes “were also down significantly from the May 25 premiere, which brought in 9.8 million viewers,” implying that viewers are less interested in Jon and Kate now that they’re not one big happy family anymore.

But in reality, the exact opposite is true. The last episode before the show’s month-long hiatus was the one in which viewers learned that Jon and Kate were separating after 10 years of marriage. There was significant media build-up prior to that episode that suggested the couple would be announcing their intention to divorce on-air. So, a record 10.6 million people tuned in.

The May 25 premiere, which set a show-ratings record at the time, also followed intense media speculation–weeks of it, in fact, by folks like Us Weekly–that one or the other of the pair was cheating and that their marriage was in trouble.

Compare these numbers to the ratings for last season’s Jon & Kate finale: 4.6 million. That was back in March, when no one thought anything was wrong with Jon and Kate’s marriage (except, maybe, that Kate was a nag), and, at the time, it was the highest-rated episode of the show EVER. The ratings for Monday night’s episodes that Us claims lost so many fans, meanwhile, were in the same range: 3.9 million for the first half-hour, 4.1 million for the second.

The conclusion here? Viewers of Jon & Kate Plus 8 doubled when their marriage started to tank. Those new viewers weren’t fans so much as schadenfreude-junkies. People’s lives falling apart–isn’t that the grist of reality TV? Once the Gosselins revealed that their marriage was, in fact, over, there wasn’t enough of a carcass to pick over anymore. Moving on… If you look at the numbers closely, the show doesn’t appear to have lost any of its loyal fan base (although god knows why, we’ve never been able to sit through an entire episode, too many children crying at once, thank you very much).

So why report it this way? Perhaps because Us Weekly has profited enormously from the Gosselins’ marriage failing–producing six consecutive covers this summer featuring either Jon or Kate–and they’re not quite done feasting off that carcass’ bones?

[Us Weekly: Jon & Kate Plus 8 Ratings Drop 61 Percent After Hiatus]
[HuffPo: Us Weekly Cover Features Jon & Kate For 6th Week In A Row]

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BABEWATCH: Janice Min, Soon-to-Be Ex-Us Weekly Editor-in-Chief

July 21st, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Name: Janice Min

Age: 39

Occupation: Tabloid editor

Why She’s a Babe: Janice Min has this kind of sweet Michelle Kwan-all-growed-up vibe. And she’s got hot, skinny legs that she isn’t afraid to show off. But mostly, we love her because she’s entertained us through countless plane rides and PMS-cycles for the last 6 years as editor-in-chief of the best print-tabloid on the market, Us Weekly, a post she announced she’s stepping down from this week. Will her successor be able to delude us into thinking celebrities are “just like us”? We’re more than a little dubious. Hopefully he won’t fuck with the formula–i.e. packing the mag with pictures, leaving the sad human interest stories to People–or Us will soon be dead to us.

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Jon & Kate Plus WTF Is That Hair?!

May 13th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

We now interrupt our regularly scheduled Jon & Kate Plus 8 Plus He Said, She Said Plus Tabloid Drama Plus A Publicist’s Worst Nightmare/Wet Dream Plus Jon Maybe Cheating with That 23 Year-Old Schoolteacher Plus Kate Maybe Cheating with Her Bodyguard Plus Who Could Blame Kate Since the Bodyguard Looks Like James Brolin Circa His Courtship with Babs Plus We Still Don’t Know Why We’re Talking About This Since the Show Bores Us to Tears…(deep breath) to bring you A VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE.

Specifically…

What the fug is up with Kate Gosselin’s hair?!


From the front, it looks like a sleek bob, chic but low-maintenance enough for the Octomom lifestyle.

From the back, it looks like a freak Weed Wacker hair abortion.

Together, it reminds me of Harvey Dent/Two-Face.


Does bad hair make for a bad marriage? Maybe, maybe not. But it certainly can’t be considered a plus.

[Oprah.com: Why Women Let Themselves Go]

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Well, It’s Not Rubina Ali

April 24th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Though the story broke in a barely-reliable “news” source, it took milliseconds for people to respond in shock and horror to British tab News of the World‘s claim that 9-year-old Slumdog Millionaire star Rubina Ali was being peddled for adoption by her father.

Let’s just say the odds were stacked against Ali’s father, Rafiq Qureshi: Ali’s biological mother publicly praised the paper for releasing the story, even duking it out over the matter with Qureshi’s wife (and Ali’s stepmother) in the streets. And people have been naturally suspect of the Slumdog showbiz dad after his name first emerged, amidst controversy–after the film was a raging success, he felt his daughter should have been paid more (despite the fact that filmmakers arranged the Jai Ho Trust to provide the young actors and their families with education and housing needs).

While speaking to CNN with the young Ali, Qureshi did in fact admit to meeting with a wealthy Dubai couple (who turned out to be News of the World journalists), with the rather dubious caveat that he actually never intended to accept money for his daughter, and that he was misunderstood because of his poor English.

Ali added:

“’I talked to them in the room,’ Ali told CNN of the meeting, conducted by undercover News of the World journalists. ‘My dad said I could meet people if I want to, ‘But I will never give my daughter away for any amount of money.’

But here’s the rub: although the undercover reporters argue that they have seven hours of taped evidence showing Qureshi and his brother negotiating the sale, the video has no sound. And this week, Mumbai police dropped their investigation of the father, citing a lack of evidence. So perhaps Qureshi didn’t attempt this terrible thing, and maybe he did. As is often the case, the truth is difficult to discern amidst the chaos.

All we can say is that we feel deeply for poor Rubina, who really just can’t seem to catch a break. And to anyone who’s actually thinking about it, might we suggest following PETA’s advice (not something we’d often do), merely applying it to adorable, talented, potentially-up-for-grabs children:


…y’know: “Always Adopt. Never Buy.” No matter how fucking adorable.

[News of the World: Father Tries to Cash In On Daughter's Fame]
[TMZ: 'Slumdog' Brawl--One Mother of a Fight]

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Laugh the Pain Awaysian

November 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I am in one terrible, awful, no-good, very bad mood. Could it be because the moon is full? Did I do one rail too many last night? Is it because I’m still nursing a post-Election comedown and desperately need some methadone? Maybe it’s that I had bad pizza yesterday (which I’ve always thought was impossible). Or that I forgot my parents’ anniversary and feel like a terrible daughter. It’s the fact that I don’t have Guitar Hero World Tour at my house and am worried to death that, without practice, I’ll never master the wild new strumless solos. Or because without debate coverage, new Mad Men and Project Runway episodes, I’ve got nothing to watch on TV besides the Steelers losing to both Manning brothers, and reruns of Dog Whisperer. It definitely has something to do with the fact that that most of my guy friends are being as dramatic as chicks, and all of my chick friends (except for Jen, who is at all times elegant, amazing, and a pleasure to be around) are as crazy as chicken.

But really, when it comes down to it, the “why” I’m feeling shitty doesn’t matter. What matters is what I can possibly do about it. All I’ve been thinking, since opening my angry, slanty eyes this mornings, is what could possibly, in any way shape or form, make me laugh today and turn this crappy attitude around.

And then I saw this week’s FABULOUS Globe cover, which accuses Michelle Obama of exploding against Oprah’s, er, romantic advances:


BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

I mean, I know Barack is ahem, “pretty” and “sensitive” and “soft” and everything, but I’m pretty sure there’s, uh, no love triangle going on here.

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Werr, We Do Aw Rook Arike

May 13th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

AllKPop.com discovered a rather obscene case of mistasian identity in last week’s People Magazine, in which a piece about our favorite pop star Rain featured a picture that was actually our boyfriend Rick Yune’s hot brother, Karl (Does that make him a Hot Karl? Yes).

Yum–we mean Yune–squared


Needless to say, the folks at AllKPop were annoyed (hence, the “All Asian look same?” comment). And so are we–DUDES, COME ON! HOW HARD IS THIS? WE ALL KNOW THAT KARL YUNE DOES NOT GLEAN HAIR INSPIRASIAN FROM MEG RYAN!!!


…but we’re pretty sure Rain does. Get it straight, PEOPLE!

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