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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! The Hump
Last night, I had a dream that I was sitting at a sushi bar, watching the chef work with his knife before me. He sliced two slim pieces of soft, red flesh and placed them gently on balls of warm sushi rice. He leaned over the bar and laid the two sushi pieces on the wooden platform in my reach, an inch away from a small pat of wasabi and wet pile of dusty-pink pickled ginger.
“This is whale,” he said, looking me in the eye. “No soy sauce.”
Taken aback, I said, “No. Thank you, no whale please.”
“Whale,” he said, now stern. “You eat it. Chef’s special Omakase.” He tightened the grip on his Shun knife.
“No. I can’t. I can’t,” I whimpered, overwhelmed suddenly by fear.
“EAT IT,” he said. And suddenly we were no longer at a sushi bar but in a cavernous black room, with him pinning me against a chair while shoving large, bloody pieces of whale meat into my mouth. “EEEEEEAT IIIIIT!”
The nightmare, of course, stemmed from a week of reading about the recent bust of Santa Monica sushi resto The Hump, an eatery known for serving exotic sushi. The place was busted after two undercover females with a lipstick camera ordered the $600 Omakase menu and requested whale, then were awarded eight pieces. They pocketed samples of the meat and later had them analyzed, identifying the meat as that from the endangered sei whale.
LAT describes the resulting charge:
Named in the complaint, filed in U.S. District Court in Los Angeles, were Typhoon Restaurant Inc., owner of the Hump, and chef Kiyoshiro Yamamoto, 45, of Culver City.
Filed under: Busts, Charges, Endangered Species, Illegal Sale of Marine Mammal Products, Illegally Selling Whale Meat, Kiyoshiro Yamamoto, Los Angeles, Ocean Brethren, Omakase, Santa Monica, Sei Whale, Sushi, Sushi Chef, The Hump, This is Bullshit, Typhoon Restaurant Inc., Whale Meat, White Mercedes, WTF?
Asian Foods Hate Jeremy Piven
First, sushi and Chinese herbs tried to poison Jeremy Piven, forcing the Entourage actor to drop out of David Mamet’s Speed-the-Plow last December.
Then, the 44 year-old was photographed in Malibu with full-on man boobage this September, which he recently blamed on a 12 cups-a-day soy milk habit.
Oh, Asian Foods. Why do you hate the Pivert so?
Thanks, Gary!
Filed under: Cheeseballs, Douchebags, Gynecomastia, HBO Entourage, Hormones, Jeremy Piven, Man-Boobs, Mercury Poisoning, Moobs, Soy Milk, Sushi, Sushi Eaters, The Pivert
At Long Last! The Difference Between Lesbians and Bisexual Women Explained
Finally, someone has explained the difference between lesbian and bisexual women in an easy-to-comprehend way involving two of our favorite food groups, sushi and hot dogs:
In summary…
There is nothing like sushi.
But hot dogs are less complicated.
Sushi, however, gets stale.
And hot dogs are more abundant than sushi.
New sushi is not all that different from old sushi.
Yet the author still prefers sushi-eaters.
Filed under: Best of Craigslist, Bisexual Women, Funny Stuff, Hot Dog Eaters, Hot Dogs, Lesbians, Sushi, Sushi Eaters
Su Her–for Defamasian of Cut Roll Character
When in the business of blogging (“business,” by the way), one often finds themself face-to-face with a photograph that simultaneously compels and stumps them.
Case in point, Katy Perry’s sushi outfit from Japan’s MTV Video Awards:
Don’t even try to tell me that sushit is fresh
Perhaps.
But I think it might just be the sweet shrimp at the crotch.
Smells like…That just ain’t right. It ain’t.
Source
Thanks, Jasmine!
Filed under: Fame is Useless, Katy Perry, Katy Perry Sushi Outfit, Leotards, MTV Video Awards Japan, Quirky Is Not a Compliment, Racial Drag, Savoring Your Early Twenties, Sushi, Zooey Deschanel
BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!
Nobody has more respect for a great chef than DISGRASIAN. We love to eat. We love to eat well. We love to eat well frequently.
So it is with deep love and admirasian that we salute Chef Masaharu Morimoto–famous for his brilliance at Matsuhisa’s Nobu and his own Morimoto restaurants, his presence on Iron Chef and Iron Chef America, his line of brews, fabulous cookbooks, and so much more.
Morimoto turned 54 this week, and we wish him the greatest of years! Here’s hoping he continues to bring tummy joy to the world for 54 more.
[Chef Morimoto - Official Site]
Source
Thanks, Jen!
Filed under: Authors, Beer Rules, Birthdays, Celebrity Chefs, Chefs, Cookbooks, Iron Chef America, Masaharu Morimoto, Nobu Matsuhisa, Sushi, Tummy Joy
Obama’s On a Roll… Or, Rather, He Is One
PATRIOTIC SUSHI!?!?!?!?!?!?
Uh, YEAH. If that’s on the chef’s menu, Yes We Will totally have it.
Eat that, Prez-haters!
[via LA Weekly]
Filed under: Art, Chef's Menu, Fun with Rice, Omakase, Patriotism is Cool, President Barack Obama, Sushi, USA, Yes We Can, Yum
@MileyCyrus Should Stop Tweeting
“FEEEED ME!“
Miley Cyrus took her fat face and creepy model boyfriend to Koi last night for some mediocre pseudo-sushi, apparently keeping her Blackberry close all night to Twitter constantly for her fans.
From Gossip Girls:
During the meal, Miss Cyrus let all of her Twitter fans know exactly how she was feeling, tweeting, “Eating sushi! Omgosh California Rolls are from heaven!!! Praise GOD!”
Now, that’s a tweet that we–had we been following the tween on Twitter–would have had to respectfully disagreet with via replytweet @mileycyrus (sorry, this is confusing for me twoo, I mean twoot, I mean–). Here’s the deal: California rolls are baaaarely sushi, and–as I learned from Jen after she did months of research with a multitude of our fine city’s famed sushi chefs– borne from Los Angeles and not “heaven.”
Miss Miley followed up her food epiphony with another insider nugget of info:
“My waiter at Koi looks like dude from HGTV! Is it weird if I ask for an autograph?”
UH.
Maybe we would just…say something…
@mileycyrus you aren’t talking about vern yip, are you?
@mileycyrus http://tinyurl.com/bleepox123
@mileycyrus surely yer not just saying that cuz he’s azn!!!
@mileycyrus maybe he’z not asian, maybe just has a goofy face
@mileycyrus oh u must mean the other dude on hgtv, eric stromer? hot! http://tinyurl.com/blargh345
@mileycyrus totally ask him for his autograph!
@mileycyrus u can make your face look thinner if u tilt it slightly
Filed under: Autographs, California Rolls, Disgrestaurants, Eric Stromer, Faces, Fat Heads, God, HGTV, Koi, Miley Cyrus, Mistasian Identity, Models, Sushi, Twitter, Vern Yip, We All Look Alike
Gossip Grub
Blake Lively and Leighton Meester lunching on the set of ‘Gossip Girl’
LEIGHTON: I know, right? I’m having so much trouble just eating these four pieces of sushi. I always treat myself once every two weeks to rice carbs.
BLAKE: Totally. Great job eating with those chopsticks, by the way! You look like a real pro.
LEIGHTON: Well, I’ve totally been to Tokyo before, once.
BLAKE: Wow!
LEIGHTON: Yeah. Anyway, eating wasabi totally reminds me of that girl that used to always be around last season. She was hot. Wasn’t she Japanese or something?
BLAKE: Nan? I think she’s Chinese. She’s not on the show anymore.
LEIGHTON: Where did she go, anyway? And wasn’t there another girl here, too? A really tan girl?
BLAKE: Um, are you talking about Nicole? She’s black, Leighton.
LEIGHTON: Blake! You can’t call them that. You call them Afro-American, I think. Anyway, where did those girls go?
BLAKE: Um, CW had to fire them so Vanity Fair and New York Magazine would put us on the cover. I was in Josh Schwartz’s office when the network called. They kept making some joke about “models” and “minorities” and how magazines only get read by honkeys or something.
LEIGHTON: What’s a honkey?
BLAKE: Not sure.
LEIGHTON: Hunh.
BLAKE: I didn’t really think about it, and then we came back for this season, and there was that new Asian chick around, and for a minute I wondered where Nan and Nicole went, and then I kinda just forgot about the whole thing because I’ve got new boyfriend issues and stuff.
LEIGHTON: Penn’s hot.
BLAKE: Yeah, he’s amazing.
LEIGHTON: That’s so weird! We should totally call up those girls and see if they wanna grab Coffee Bean sometime or something.
BLAKE: Yeah, I’m sure they’re not busy or anything! (Laughs)
LEIGHTON: (Laughs)
BLAKE: What kind of sushi is that, anyway?
LEIGHTON: California rolls.
BLAKE: Mmm!
LEIGHTON: Totally.
Filed under: Blake Lively, California Rolls, Gossip, Gossip Girl, Josh Schwartz Is a Hack, Leighton Meester, Pretty Girls, Sushi, Where Did All of the Color Go?
Vincent Van Sushi
An oil reproduction of Van Gogh’s “Sunflowers”?
Eh.
An all-sushi reproduction of the same painting?
So weird. So awesome.
Filed under: Cool Stuff, Sushi, Sushi Art, Vincent Van Gogh, Weird Japanese Behavior
Katsu-No
Anyone that knows me or Jen also knows of my our ridiculously deep and loyal devotion to the understated hole-in-the-strip-mall sushi mecca, Katsu-Ya (the original) of Studio City, CA. Because the room seats only about 6 and a half people, you typically spend about 45 minutes waiting in the crowded front area of the tiny room, killing a bottle of Sapporo on the indoor steps as if you were at a college apartment party, or shivering outside while eying the goods at the neighboring pet store and Domino’s Pizza. But after you finally take a seat, the superior gifts that arrive on your table make it all worth the wait, the dinky ambience, the hour in line, the fact that the waitress hit you with the Specials menu easel. Katsu-Ya is a bit like heaven. I was bummed when new, chic, Katsu-Yas started popping up all around town. Philippe Starck designed each to feel more like lounges than restaurants. Still, it meant that Jen and I could get salmon sashimi with caviar or baked crab rolls within 10 minutes regardless of where in Los Angeles we were, and even if that meant dining while surrounded by fish novices, that was a good thing.
Last night, because I couldn’t get the idea of a baked crab roll out of my head, I suggested Katsu-Ya in Hollywood for a post-debate nosh. Being the giving woman that I am, I skipped up ahead with one person in tow to get the party a table. I walked up to the doorman. (A doorman at Katsu-Ya? Only in Hollywood.) How long would the wait be for a table?
Nothing til’ 11pm, said the doorman.
Errrr-okay, I responded, and began making my way in to give the hostess my name.
Nope, said the doorman, don’t put your name down, just um, come back then.
(What? Guess Hollywood kicks ass but won’t take names.)
At this point, the rest of my friends walked up, the party total now at eight. One is an actor, and said to the doorman with a grin, can we get a table in there?
Of course sir, said the stupid fat ugly mean awful not-Asian doorman, right this way. He proceeded to lead the party in, setting us up for non-sake drinks in a room filled with candelabras before taking us to a private table loaded up with Omakase.
(I hate that doorman. I hate Hollywood.)
My pal R.J. leaned over to me as we were seated in the private room by a bunch of young, blonde waiters: “Hoooo boy. Katsuya didn’t know they were dealing with DISGRASIAN!”
He was right. I started to formulate the scathing words that I would share with my faithful readers in mere hours. How disgusted I was with this plastic city and its ability to ruin wonderful understated things, its willingness to bastardize perfection by getting Philippe Starck to mount oversized photos of smeared geisha lips and playing loud acid jazz until midnight. In what world does a sushi empire say no to a fun, cuddly Asian sushiphile and yes to some guy that happens to be in movies sometimes?
Then I took a bite of a pristine soy paper crab roll, followed by a glug of cold booze, and forgot every word.
(We all become hypocrites in Hollywood.)
Filed under: Actors, Disgrestaurants, Doormen Have Small Dicks, Friends are Nice, Katsuya, Philippe Starck, Stupid Hollywood Ideas, Sushi
Mercury Retrograsian
Mmmmmmmmmmmm…
The alarming report continues: So now what? We shouldn’t eat expensive sushi? I can’t even process that idea. My mind is having a meltdown. I seriously do not know how I can possibly even deal with such a proposal. AN OCCASIONAL TREAT??? I SWEAR TO GOD MY STEADY DIET OF SUSHI HAS NEVER BEEN PROBLEMATIC IN ANY WAY! LOOK AT ME, I’M FINE. OH MY GOD, HOW I WISH I HAD NEVER EVER EVER EVER LAID EYES ON THIS ARTICLE!!! HOW CAN I UNDO IT? HOW? WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… **Addendum: Empower yourself! Environmental Defense has done their homework so that people can make fish choices that are good for them AND the ocean! Sounds like a win-win. Check out their Seafood Selector here.
In general, tuna sushi from food stores was much lower in mercury. These findings reinforce results in other studies showing that more expensive tuna usually contains more mercury because it is more likely to come from a larger species, which accumulates mercury from the fish it eats. Mercury enters the environment as an industrial pollutant.
Some environmental groups have sounded the alarm. Environmental Defense, the advocacy group, says no one, no matter his or her age, should eat bluefin tuna. Dr. Gochfeld said: “I like to think of tuna sushi as an occasional treat. A steady diet is certainly problematic. There are a lot of other sushi choices.”
Filed under: Dangit, Not Nobu Next Door?, Scary Studies, Sushi, The Only Mercury I Like is Freddie, This Can't Be True, Tuna, Why?, Yummy Things
Put Down the Chopsticks, And Step Away from the Sushi
Right before my freshman year, a story came out about the college I was about to attend that said one in four members of the student body was gay. “One in Four, Maybe More” became a school mantra, and being surrounded by gays, gaysians, and so much fierceness for four years was awesome.
A new study that treehugger reported on yesterday which says one in four New Yorkers and ALMOST HALF OF ASIAN NEW YORKERS have elevated mercury levels, however, really harshes my mellow. Yowzers.
On a brighter note, here’s some fish that won’t kill you:
It’s sushi. Sushi pillows, that is. Nothing fishy about that.
Click here to have sweet, safe, sushi dreams.
Filed under: Fishy Stuff, Gaysians, One in Four Maybe More, Sushi, The Only Mercury I Like is Freddie
