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TOM CRUISE: Watch my movie!
DUDE ON THE LEFT WITH THE LUSCIOUS LOCKS: Hey Tom, what’s up bro? Can you sign something for my lady?
TOM CRUISE: You look good to me.
DUDE ON THE LEFT WITH THE LUSCIOUS LOCKS: You could sign whatever, man. Maybe her shirt? We didn’t bring anything.
TOM CRUISE: Hmm… I wonder what Suri’s wearing today? Hopefully that cute, cute, cute little Burberry dress I presented to her in a box tied with a ribbon before I left. I just love her so much. She’s totally my favorite of all my kids.
GUY ON THE FAR LEFT WITH HIS EYES CLOSED: Is Tom Cruise here? I can’t see anything!
TOM CRUISE: That Cameron Diaz, what a tall drink of water. Where is she standing?
GUY ON THE FAR LEFT WITH HIS EYES CLOSED: I can’t see her either!
TOM CRUISE: Did any of you happen to see The Last Samurai?
MAN ON RIGHT: I did. Not the most accur–
TOM CRUISE: I am so in love with my wife, Kate! If I wasn’t here at this premiere, I would be ordering a dozen cupcakes to send to her while she’s shopping at Barney’s.
CHILD BEING HELD BY MAN ON RIGHT: I hate it here, Daddy! Can we GO?
Sari, everybody, I can already tell this is going to be one of those “bad joke” days.
What are you up to? Why are you holding Suri Cruise? Are those new sunglasses? Have you lost weight? The hair looks great (and crazy), as always.
Mom, why aren’t you answering me?
Seriously, where did you get that baby?
Please call when you can… I may need some help paying for my car insurance for a few months. Can I get a loan?
I continue to hold my breath for the day when Suri “cutest damn baby in the world” Cruise wakes up and realizes that she is part-Asian and actually one of us after all…
Suri, we have a bunch of toys and treats and tiny frocks waiting for you at DISGRASIAN HQ. Come whenever you’re ready.
Think of the places you’d go with not one, but two A-list movie star surnames.
Pax and Suri. They’re cute. They’re mysterious. They’re elusive. And they both surfaced this week just long enough to be spotted by a couple of those naughty paps.
These two have quite a lot in common. Incidentally, they both deserve a simultaneous shaming this week.
I’ll start with the boy.
To Mr. “Peace Sky Pretty”
Take that binky out of your mouth, grab yourself a PSP, and start surfing the net for free porn like the rest of your first world peers.
To Suri “My Dad was in Cocktail” Cruise,
When that Vanity Fair announced your arrival, we all gasped. You were obviously half yellow. And you were adorable. Sure, you were the result of some sort of weird laboratory experiment, but at least you were gonna be good at math.
You have gone from being my very favoritest Eurasian tot on this Planet of Wayward Souls…
to looking like THEM.
HOW DARE YOU DITCH US BEFORE WINNING EVEN ONE SPELLING BEE?!
You might still be cute, but I am over you.