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AMAZIAN and DISGRASIAN OF THE WEEK! The Thrill of Victory, The Agony of Defeat

January 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK!


Name: Tiaina Baul Seau, Jr.

Also Known as: Junior

Occupation: NFL linebacker

Known for: Playing 17 seasons in the NFL (the Samoan Seau turns 39 next week), getting elected to 12 straight Pro Bowls, being the one bright spot on the San Diego Chargers roster for over a decade, receiving the Volunteer Service award from President Bush in 2005 as part of Asian Pacific American Heritage Month, finally returning to the playoffs this season with the Patriots after 12 years of nothin’, still scaring the lycra pants off of quarterbacks and running backs when he settles in a two-point stance.

Even though the New England Patribots bore us to zzZzZZzzzzz, we’re rootin’ for you, Junior! Happy Birthday and enjoy that ring!

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK!


Name: Tony Romo

Also known as: Tony “A Place for Ribs” Roma, Tony Cabo, Tony No Mo’, Tony Lame-o, Tony Go Home-o

Occupation: Loser

Known for: Woefully poor taste in women, mistaking a bye-week for Spring Break, pissing away home-field advantage, losing to lesser teams, sucking in the clutch, making huge plays at the end of playoff games (a bobbled snap last year, an interception in the end zone yesterday) that result in his team having to go home and hang their heads in shame.

About his decision to go to Cabo during the Cowboys’ bye-week, Romo said, “When I made the choice to do those things I thought I was making good decisions like not going to Vegas and drinking for two or three days.”

Good decision, indeed. Asshole.

So, here’s the upshot…

Wait for it…

Here it comes…

Uh…

Er…

…Go Green Bay?

Cheeseheads and Grammar Go Together Like Ramma Lamma Lamma Ka Dinga Da Dinga Dong


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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN

April 24th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Sports Round-up for Round-Eyes, Slant-Eyes, and Everyone In-Between


1. RIP, David Halberstam
Writer/historian David Halberstam was killed in a car accident yesterday in Northern California. Our deepest condolences go out to his family. I’m going to miss Halberstam’s wholly original take on sports, his dismissiveness of cliches and accepted truths when it came to superstar athletes, and the cranky, contrarian humanity he brought to watching the game.

2. 2 IS FOR 2-0
The Houston Rockets took a 2-0 lead over the Utah Jazz in their first-round playoff series.

“In your face, Boozer! I’m sorry, your name is Boozer? I was named after a King. Booyao!

3. Yin and Yang Get It Up the Yinyang Courtesy of the Phoenix Suns

“Bryant Fades As Suns Take Down Lakers”–WHAT?!? SHOCKER! LIES!! STOP HATING ON KOBE!!!

Game 2 tipoff is at 7:30 pm on TNT.

4. 4 Is the Magic Number
History was made Sunday at Fenway when the Red Sox beat the Yankees 7-6, sweeping the series. It was not Daisuke “Sir Dice-A-Lot” Matsuzaka’s best outing, but he was bailed out by teammates Manny Ramirez, J.D. Drew, Mike Lowell, and Jason Varitek, who all homered one after the other in the 3rd.

4 CONSECUTIVE HOMERS off ONE PITCHER–that’s happened one other time in MLB history. Some mathletes have calculated there’s a 1 in 1.4 million chance of us seeing it again. Chase Wright, the Yanks pitcher who got rocked, was sent down to the minors the very next day. Nice knowing ya!

5. One To Watch
This past weekend, 18 year-old, Chinese-American tennis player Vania King clinched a spot for the U.S. in the Fed Cup semis, subbing for an injured Serena Williams. Go Vania! Kick ass and take names!

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