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The Lohan Family: Carvel-ing Out A Niche In Low-Rent History

June 18th, 2010 | 6 comments | Posted by Diana

DINA LOHAN

Guys, I think I just read the most humiliating sublebrity story I’ve ever read. Like, ever.

It involves a certain celebrity mom (ahem, see right) abusing her two cash cows’ daughters’ Carvel Black Cards to the point of a major incident (I’m talking, like, cops).  The tore-up, deluded famewhore mother leaked her version of the story to the tabloids and played the victim–in response, Carvel cleared their name by publicly naming and shaming the whole family in an official press release.

NOT LYING: I AM LITERALLY JITTERING WITH TINGLES OF MORTIFICASIAN FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED.

Read what I wrote again, please. I’m not talking about the AMEX Black Card, I’m talking about a freebie card distributed by CARVEL–the ice cream company–to famous (Ali Lohan is famous? Eh, who am I to judge) folks, to entice those  celebrities to come in person (as stated in the card’s fine print) to Carvel stores for a maximum of $25 free purchases per week, for 75 years. Pretty sweet deal for a bunch of people who’ll likely be in rehab or formerly famous in ten years!

I am so mortified by this press release that I have no choice to post it here for you in full, straight from the Carvel blog. Here goes:

Carvel Responds To Dina Lohan Complaint

Posted on June 17, 2010 by carvelicecream

ATLANTA, GA (June 17, 2010) – As part of Carvel’s 75th Anniversary celebration Continue reading The Lohan Family: Carvel-ing Out A Niche In Low-Rent History

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Jessica Simpson On Being A Has-Bindi

October 27th, 2009 | 1 comment | Posted by Diana
Simpson Searches For Beauty

Simpson Searches For Beauty

“Ken, I am like, fully having soooo much fun in India! I’m so glad that I decided to wear my Indian vest and jean shorts to tonight’s gala. Remember when we bought this vest in New Mexico? I actually am kinda loving it right now.

Anyway, how much are you feeling this country? Everyone keeps saying sorry, sorry, sorry all the time. Who was it that was telling me that I should wear sorries for special parties? I didn’t know how to look sorry, so I just wore this old vest!

OMG, we have taken sooooo many awesome (three) pictures of all of the beautiful sights ( including ourselves at totally nondescript locations like the airport) here in this strange country!! Right?? I really kinda dig the hand b-b-bling, right?  Look at this! It’s like somebody… drew all over my hand!  I feel like they should, like, totally do this in America, cuz it looks so good on you no matter what size you are. Just like shoes and sweatpants. But I’m not sure about this bindi thing. I think it makes me look cross-eyed. Every time I look at it in the mirror I look cross-eyed.

Continue reading Jessica Simpson On Being A Has-Bindi

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Words That Shall Resonate No Longer: "Vanick" and "Ninessa"

June 25th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

The impossible has happened.

“Amicable”

After three years of dating, some well-documented spats, and a handful of dropped “Where’s the ring?” hints, the inevitable has happened: Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo, world’s least interesting sublebrity couple, have called it quits.

And no, we can’t really imagine a good reason to ever talk about this again.

[via ONTD]

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Shamel

March 9th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

If the tumbling world economy doesn’t kill the luxe House of Chanel (Lawd, please, no!), I do worry that an icky epidemic of sublebrity surrogates will.

I mean, as if this display alone isn’t bad enough…


…or this


…or THIS


…then (Ewwww!) THIS should do the trick:

Bobby Trendy Tiny Icky

Ultra-shame is the nail in the coffin, guys. The nail in the coffin.

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Baby, You’re Worth It

February 27th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Ladies…


Remember. It’s not about whether or not you can afford to buy anything at Chanel [purrs].

What’s important is if, after glancing at a paparazzi photo of you with your ass-cheek-baring, Wet Seal denim shorts, cheap blue contacts, dirty knee boots, and just-bought treasures in hand, Intern Jasmine wonders innocently:

“[Maybe she's] like my mom, who saves shopping bags from fancy department stores and then reuses them to carry her lunch around.”

In which case… we’re looking at a great-looking lunch.

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Gaining Weighsian

January 28th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Listen, guys. I’ll be honest. I haven’t done yoga in almost two years. I take the stairs up to my office–sometimes. I walk the dog around the block in the morning and night, and sometimes I walk fast, but that’s about where I max out. The way I see it, “exercise and my blogging life don’t mix.”

Sure, in the wee hours of the night, I somehow manage to make time to munch on sour ropes while wasting zombies on Xbox. Meanwhile, I find a way to house burritos at my local taco cart after any given night of drinking. And certainly, I don’t miss an opportunity to indulge my sweet tooth after gobbling the pie, crust and all, at Pizzeria Mozza.

My point is, I’m like anyone. Sometimes I get a little chubsy, sometimes less so. Perhaps it’s face bloat or hormones, post-holiday or high-stress, but sheez–it happens to us all. And I can deal with that. I have to. My favorite aunt and godmother–a zaftig, warm, no-nonsense, little woman–used to hug me hello with her big, soft arms. After a good squeeze, she would inevitably step back and say, “You are a little fatter than the last time I saw you. Most of it is in your face, but your legs are a little big, too.” It’s not a bad way to look at it. It’s just the truth; not really a positive or a negative, just the big, fat truth.

Yesterday, I posted a picture of Jessica Simpson, who is arguably enjoying her rejuvenated love life, and is (as always) compelled to dress up her new curves with detestable lycra and the world’s most unflattering pair of high-waisted pants. This is hardly the first time she’s dressed herself up in this fashion when riding the love train. In fact, her inclination to do so is now striking me as a behavioral pattern, which is just weird.

Apparently, I’m not the only bored blogger raising an eyebrow at Jessica’s puff. Some folks laid into her rather hard, and because she and her sister don’t have much in terms of career to speak of, they paid attention.

Ashlee (lil’ sis) even blogged about it (and since we’re blogging, I’ve included my responses below in RED):

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister’s weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman’s weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.

Wait, are we talking about the same Fox News that boasted the “Obama/Biden, Osama Bin Laden, Coincidence?” headline last year? Or the Fox News that captioned The First Lady as “Obama’s Baby Mama?” Don’t be fooled by the moniker, lady–”News” is hardly their forte.

All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you’re a celebrity, there shouldn’t be a different standard.

Uh, Ash? Celebrities are held to a different standard, particularly female celebrities. You should know this, and moreover be glad about it. That’s why y’all make magical livings just for being famous-ish. It’s why you’re photographed doing mundane activities like buying gas (just like Us!) and shopping for ugly cotton clothes on Robertson Boulevard. You, and your sister, like most of this decade’s celebutards, are not the most talented performers of our generation–if one would argue that you’re talented at all. You’re clothes hangers, club promoters, restaurant PR tools. The least you can do is keep your face clear, keep your tummy tucked, and name check Ed Hardy in OK! Magazine. Do your part. There’s not much to it.

Is this something you would say to your wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend?

I seriously doubt it.

I wouldn’t say much more to my mother and grandmother than, “My job is great! It pays very well. I honor you and our ancestors!”

My grandmother, on the other hand, had no problem telling me when I was looking plump and juicy.

How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?

I don’t know man, that’s a question for God, I guess. Let me know how that Q&A goes.

Now can we focus on the things that really matter.

Yeah! Like why any person would name their baby after Mowgli, a goddamn Jungle Book character? Jungle Book, which, besides being the world’s lamest source of name inspiration, is actually a racist fucking story. Wait, should we table this conversation and just deal with it on Fox News?

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Rock the Vote…Again

February 6th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

It’s the Wednesday after Super Tuesdaysian, and I’m feeling a comedown after all that hooha, aren’t you? What better way is there to ease the bumpy ride than to vote again? Can I get an amen?!?

New York Fashism Week kicked off last weekend, and the D-listers and social climbers have been out in force. One such sublebrity showed up at the Chloe Sevigny for Opening Ceremony launch party Monday. Can you guess who it was?

(The last time we voted ’round here, it was to determine whether or not Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles star Summer Glau is a rice girl. Click here to view the results. It was as close as Missouri.)

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