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Conveyor Belt Of Love May Be The Greatest Awful Show Of All Time

January 7th, 2010 | 6 comments | Posted by Diana

Network television’s worst inside joke-turned-joke-turned-running joke-turned-joke pitch-turned pitch treatment-turned-idea going up the chain-turned-pilot order-turned-IDIOTIC DRIVEL THAT SOMEHOW SAW NETWORK AIRTIME ON ABC AND RESULTED IN A SERIES ORDER aired this week, and I missed it. Oh, darn.

Here’s the concept: Five single ladies choose from thirty single guys in a conveyor belt white elephant party. That is all you need to know.

Fortunately for me, my reality crap aficionado pals at Homo Shame alerted me as soon as they read about it, and I found the entire episode on Hulu.

That’s right, I watched it. And so can you:

Keep your eyes on Keiko during this episode. She’s bratty, opinionated, languid, not terribly bright and too pretty for her own good–also the first to proclaim disinterest in the “Filipino Criss Angel” on the belt, which may make you mad until you realize he sucks.

Keiko is a player-lover who chooses a hard body over intellect, disses the hot engineer with the 5 o’clock shadow in favor of an oily Speedo-wearer with a chihuahua, loves screwing, and in general gives this show the credit and seriousness it deserves–next to none. All in all, she’s the best part of the show (“Show” being an incredibly generous term, by the way).

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Cancellasian

April 10th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

CBS announced today that they will not be airing any more episodes of their new reality show, Secret Talents of the Stars, which first aired on Wednesday.

For those of you who missed the premiere, it featured George Takei singing the country classic, “On the Road Again.”

…But he can’t be faulted for the cancellasian! We don’t know about you, but we found his performance to be incredibly sweet and endearing, in addition to the fact that we loved his shirt and had no idea his voice had such a rich timbre. For what it’s worth, we simply love Takei–he kind of reminds us of our respective dads, who both actually have pretty damn good singing voices, too.

This performance was better suited for a party hosted by DISGRASIAN, set on a dimly lit stage in a K-town karaoke bar, and fueled by vodka and scotch. Don’t blame Takei for the death of Secret Talents. He didn’t art direct the stupid show. He just rocked it!

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Tyra, Step It Up

November 20th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Uh, Tyra Banks has clearly not been reading our blog (Bitch!).

Why else would she center one of her talk show episodes around bisexuality, and invite Tila “Drive-Bi” Tequila to the set to elaborate on the finer details of loving both ladies and gents?

It’s hard enough for me to sit through five minutes of that little midget’s awful interview mannerisms: giggling like a chipmunk to punctuate her nonsensical answers, telling bad stories in her rudimentary urban vernacular, LYING about being bisexual, LYING about what it’s like to be in relationships with women, LYING about how she’s still “secretly” dating the winner (is the romance “like a movie” because they’re already in pre-production for A Shot At Love 2?). But I’m used to it, and frankly, her lack of star power makes me sad. She’s guaranteed to fade, and then who will I write about with such venom? I guess there’s always Masi Oka…

But what really gets my goat is that Miss Tyra has the nerve to act like she’s buying Tila’s bullshit. You’ve gotta be kidding me. Tyra is a den mother to outcasts, big girls, and ladies with fucked-up self-images. I can see her wanting to help Tila, not research “sex with men and women” by eating up Tila’s poorly made-up stories.

You wanna hear girl-girl dating stories? I can do it too, watch: When I get down with a girl, I’m all like, yo. She’s so soft. And she’s like strawberries, right? And I’m just like ohhhh, I want to buy you lesbian gifts and then take a bubble bath with you, right???

That actually wasn’t hard. Does anyone want to give me a reality show? I could use the money.

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Thanks, jRu!

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Kid Nasian

October 11th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I regretfully admit that I’ve suffered through four full episodes of CBS’ Kid Nation–a clumsy, abhorrent reality mindfuck dripping with heavy-handed producing, “preditorial” cobbling of thin storylines, forced moral dilemmas, hackneyed challenges, and cheesy emotional final acts. I HATE this show–something I’m not inclined to say about any program on television (having myself slaved to make ‘em for years)–it’s cruel (40 days out on the prairie? We could have broken them down in 14), abusive (freezing cold temperatures and no visible chapstick), prosaic (I’ve seen plenty of Jeff Probst imitations in my day, but this is ridiculous), and likely to scar the cast members who are actually “kids” (they range from way-too-young 8 to old-ass 15 in age) for life.

There is, however, a sick and twisted part of me that watches the show every week, if only to wonder and wonder and wonder what kind of parents signed their offspring up for this horribly executed social experiment. If you look closely, you can see and hear them pretty clearly:

“Now Taylor, y’all don’t have to do things like work and study
’cause you’re pretty. Let all them poor and ugly folk take care of that nonsense.
You protect yer face. If they don’t like it they can DEAL WITH IT!”


This most recent episode, titled “Bless Us and Keep Us Safe,” centered around the heavy-handed and divisive topic of religion, which made me cringe at every step–from one kid not seeing the big deal about oils and candles and Hanukkah, to the feel-good prize of various Holy Books that the kids were guilted into choosing.

But again, I found myself watching the whole thing, dreaming about the parents that were responsible for the tiny voices and words coming out of these characters. And for the first time all season, some of these kids were Asian.

Kelsey, a fun and spazzy 9-year old, bumped fists with another Christian kid to settle the debate over “the Jew Crew.” Guess she’s been rocking the church parties with her parents.

And little 9-year old Alex, the cherub with the one big tooth, finally got to speak after being rendered mute in 3 previous episodes. When he did, he made an incredibly articulate speech to the group about finding religious similarities– before collecting data detailing on the groups various religions and sub-religions. He’s obviously been doing his homework. If his Mom and Dad are anything like them, I totally wanna hang.

That said, who the hell signs their 9-year old to be on this damn show?!?!?

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A Little Personalizasian

August 30th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I know sometimes it feels like we only talk about very distant, impersonal things– celebrities, politicians, people we don’t know that make ignorant TV shows or do stupid things to earn them a spot in the news. You know what I mean. Sigh.

So today I’ve decided to start letting you into my real, personal life. I’ve got a job. I’ve got dreams. I’ve got a family.

Below is a picture of my Aunt Sharon. She is an immigrant, a hard worker, and a good person. She walks the streets on foot in the clothes she’s collected from her children and her refugee sponsor, ignoring the creaks in her bones to peruse the local Asian market for leechees and beef shanks–which she stores in her reusable plastic grocery bag. She does all of this while carrying an umbrella to shield her precious porcelain skin from the evil sun. Her mother never allowed her to tan–she would look like a peasant–and she has carried that advice with her for her entire life. She is a good woman. She is my family.

Ohhh. Shit. Wait. Forget it. No. That’s Lucy Liu on the set of Cashmere Mafia. Ignore everything I said.

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