DISGRASIAN™

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Thought You And “Ask The Asian Dude” Could Wiggle Out Of This One, TMZ?

TMZ Managing Editor, Harvey Levin

TMZ, which operates under the auspices of AOL News, definitely serves a purpose. In life, there’s always somebody that has to reside in the murkiest layer–the person that denies insurance benefits to cancer patients, the defense attorney that attacks victims in order to save her guilty defendant, the jerk that has to tell little kids that there is no Santa Claus. TMZ is like that person. The supergossip team’s shamelessness allows them to dig deep into the wounds of Hollywood to tell us who’s crazy, who’s dead, who has anal sex with prostitutes instead of their wife, who’s suing their ex, who’s blown all of their money on 8 balls. Without them, we wouldn’t know such things, at least not so quickly and with no tactful filter. It’s questionable whether or not we’d ever want to, but that’s not the point. Bottom line, as I said before: TMZ has a purpose, I guess.

Yesterday, the site posted a segment featuring an on-the-fly “interview” with Sung Kang, one of Jen’s many hot boyfriends and familiar sexyface from the Fast & Furious franchise (You can see him alive again in the upcoming sequel, Fast Five). See below:

Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Thought You And “Ask The Asian Dude” Could Wiggle Out Of This One, TMZ?

Filed under: AOL, April Fools, Ask The Asian Dude, Clowning, Fast Five, Georgia, Harvey Levin, Jackie Chan, Karaoke, Racist Shit, Stupid Ideas, Sung Kang, The Fast And the Furious Sequels, This is Bullshit, TMZ, TMZ Racist, TMZ Racist Video, Toyota, Translation

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Under One Roof (And Yes, We’re Callin’ Su a Ho)

We’re hardly the first people to bang our heads in disbelief/horror at television’s latest bucket-o-disgrace Under One Roof (not to be confused with the Japanese, Singaporean, and American sitcoms of the same name from the 90s). This is probably due to a) the fact that nobody has ever seen or heard of the show (it airs on the D-list of “sorta” TV nets, MyNetworkTV) b) star Flava Flav has pretty low standards anyway (I suppose this goes without saying) and c) people barely care about good sitcoms, and nobody gives a soft, smelly shit about bad ones.

We’re a bit surprised, however, that few people have given comment to Su Ho, the irreverent houskeeper character of the show, who’s half Dude, Where’s My Car‘s “and then” lady, and half Mickey Blue Eyes‘s “You eat cookie!” woman. MyNTV has even go so far as to build an entire viral marketing campaign around her character (see picture above), in which Rooftards can check out e-cookie fortunes and even send them to their Rooftard friends.

Is anybody actually doing this? Will a human being ever even lay eyes on this drivel? If we felt even an inkling that anybody in the world might ever watch this pile, we might get a little more involved. Angry. Violent. Whatever. Instead, we’re busy celebrating the return of rosé season.

All we’ll say for now is: if we get one of Sung Ho’s fortunes in our inbox, we are gonna go all crazy-nail-salon-kung-fu-dragon-lady on somebody’s ass. We don’t have to know what that means to promise that it’ll happen. Just know that something big will go down.

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Thanks, jRu and Jasmine!

Filed under: And Then?, D-List, Disgrafrican-Americans, Flava Flav, Fortune Cookies, Rooftards, Shameful Movie Roles, Shameful TV Roles, Stupid Ideas, Su Ho, This is Bullshit, Under One Roof

Whatever Fur?

You know when you’re waiting in line at a a fast food counter, maybe at an airport McDonald’s for a cheeseburger, or Wendy’s for a cute, cold, delicious Frosty? And there’s a dude in front of you that smells a little bit like old hair, who makes a giant production of ordering: two double cheeseburgers, one fried chipotle sandwich with extra bacon, one fried chicken salad with extra ranch and croutons, extra large fries, an order of chicken nuggets, a cup of chili, and two apple pies.

“Oh,” he adds. “And an extra large Diet Coke.”

You think the same thing to yourself every time. He’s not foolin’ anybody with that Diet Coke. He just ain’t foolin’ anybody.

And in my opinion, neither is Japanese fashion designer Chie Imai, whose “ecological fur” creations (designs that incorporate recycled synthetic fabrics with real chinchilla and mink fur) seem to me just an green-market-era semantical ploy.

This is not about positions on the fur issue–it’s about calling a spade a spade. And, my friends, “eco-fur” (LIKE WHA??) is a spade.

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Filed under: Asian Fashion Designers, Chie Imai, Chinchillas Are Adorable, Fashism, Fur, Oxymorons, Retarded Tingles, Spades, Stupid Ideas

Absolute Celebutardasian

I have absolutely no idea why I know that Paris Hilton spent a half hour with a fake shaman, or that Audrina Patridge even exists (and got a fake tattoo in chinaspeak spelling out “fried meat and rice” last week). I resent myself for spelling their names correctly, and to boot, spelling those names on Jen’s and my sacred blog (where they share real estate with real winners like Michelle Malkin and Tila Tequila). Yes, yes, for these things I am truly ashamed.

And okay, I’m also a little embarrassed that, like lots of other celebublog readers, I fell for both fauxperiences–worst of all, placing a call to Jen on Friday that went something like: “Dude. Audrina, that girl with the weird floating eyes on The Hills got a wack Chinese lettering tattoo. Can you read it? It’s so wrong! Take her ass to court!”

I was fooled for a minute, sure. But what annoys me more is word on the e-street that both staged photo-ops were apparently produced bits for Ass-ton Kutcher’s new “gotcha!” series, Pop Fiction–a self-rewarding, for-celebutards-by-celebutards reality show in which idiot camera whores poop the paparazzi. Because the famous-for-nothings need more reasons to congratulate themselves.

“TAKE THAT, ‘TMZ‘! Now watch me in ‘The Butterfly Effect.’”

Wow. Who orders up eight episodes of this shit? I think we should all be ashamed.

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Filed under: Ass-ton Kutcher, Audrina Patridge, Celebutards, Enough Already, Paparazzi Whores, Paris Hilton, Pop Fiction, Shaman Everyone, Stop These Talentless Fools, Stupid Ideas, TMZ Whores, Wacktors, Whores

The Unveiling: A Story In Photos

“Sigh. Here I am, arriving at that bitch Jaime Pressly’s new fashion line, J’aime.

“Oh hello again. I thought perhaps if I posed net to this very nice new Audi automobile that someone might snap a picture or two. This reminds me of those ‘Tuner Zine’ girls. I wonder if I could get into that magazine. I once asked this man I met at a party if he had any connections, and he said that it depended on how much dick I liked. I got so confused.
What does it mean, dick? Sigh. I still feel sad. Now, I pout.”

“I tried to so hard to make an impact with my outfit today. The designer, Cornolio,
told me that it was ‘like Gwen Stefani’s baby stroller
on acid.’ I don’t really know what that means but something about the pleats makes me feel like I am not very sexy.”

“Ahhh! Liberation! Thank god I forgot to wear a shirt.
Now all I have to do is slide this baby open and then EVERYONE will want to talk about my book, NIPPLES! I feel joy once again! I am sexy! I am SEXY!!!”

Insanity barometer… off the charts and out to space!!!

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Filed under: Awful Fashion Line Names, Bai Ling Is a Lunatic, Clothes That Scare Me More than Clowns, Fashism, Jaime Pressly, Nipple Slipples, Stupid Ideas, This Shit Ain't Sexy